Tattle Tale

I haven't been to a meeting in over a week. I went to church Sunday and thought that would do the trick. It did not. I haven't been avoiding a meeting... life has just sort of gotten in the way of things this past week. The holiday, busy at work. And now it's Wednesday. Tomorrow is my home ACOA. I will not miss that. It's really amazing how fast I slip when I am not constantly surrounding myself with recovery. I need to find a sponsor. I have been dragging my feet on this. Just showing up is no longer enough.

Now I really need to tell on myself. I have been avoiding this now and its painful to write. As you all well know I continue to struggle with my relationship with K2. It is this constant source of confusion for me. Almost two weeks ago I ended communication between us. You can read "Moving Forward". Well two nights ago, in a moment of weakness I sent him a text message telling that I am not as strong as he thinks because I miss him and all of this isn't going away. I shouldn't have done it. I should have called someone (here's where sponsor would have come in handy). I should have slept on it. I didn't. He didn't text me back... Of course I was hurt I didn't hear from him and sad that he didn't immediately validate my feelings. A small part of me appreciated the fact that he was being the strong one. Well... he called last night. I was out to dinner and missed the call. As soon as I heard the missed call something inside me knew it was him. He left a message. He asked me to call him back. He said he would be busy for the next few hours and if I missed him he would call me tomorrow.

I opened a can of worms. I want to take his call. I have to go through all of this all over again now. I failed. I just don't get it. I know the drill... I know I have to let go. I know I need to accept things for the way they are... blah blah blah. I don't think anyone can say anything I don't know or haven't heard. Why do I fight it so much? I made this big declaration of moving on and moving forward and not even two weeks later I find myself in a very familiar place. I like here. I must. If I didn't I wouldn't keep coming back. Sometimes I feel like this is all so trivial. Like I have no right to be so involved in this because so many people have bigger problems than me. But I love him. I am in love with him and I just have so much pain associated with our relationship because I thought we would get married and having a loving committed relationship together. I have been in love twice in my life. My first long term boyfriend lasted 4 years. 3 years and about 360 days too long. When he broke up with me I was devastated, but I knew for sure that it was the right thing. He broke up with me because I didn't have the strength to do it myself. I don't feel that way with K2. It feels so wrong. Like its not supposed to happen this way. Ha ha... listen to me. Who am I to say what should happen. God is in control... not me. I need to get that through my thick head.

It doesn't change how I feel. I want to tell him I love you. I am in love with you. I don't want to abandon you. I am in it for the long haul. I don't want to fix you (well sometimes I do, but I'm getting better). I want to love you and be your friend. I want the same from you. I don't want you to make things better. I want you to love me. I want you to be my friend. I want you to support me in healthy ways. I want you to take care of yourself. I want to take care of myself. And I want to lovingly and appropriately take care of each other. I want you to know my true feelings about us... I don't want to be strong. I don't want to be afraid to tell you these things because of fear of rejection. I want to say that loving oneself and loving someone else is a lifelong process. You don't need to be alone until you get there. I want to cry. I miss you. I miss telling you things. I miss not having to say anything. I miss the unspoken understanding. I want you to be able to say today I need my space. And I want to trust you and give you that space. I want to accept you for who you are. I want to know that it is okay to have appropriate expectations of love, honesty and respect. That doesn't mean each of always needing to be right. It doesn't mean a ring on my finger. It doesn't mean needing you to always hold my hand. I support you. I respect your boundaries. I respect that people don't change but if there is a real desire they can compromise. I want happiness. I want happiness for you. I want for us to be able to be happy together.

Today I am grateful for:

Getting through the day

Love Doesn't Mean Leaning

I am lazy about writing today. I think it's mostly because I cant decide on what I want to say... there seems to be so much too say. I didn't write yesterday because I was feverishly reading the last 200 pages in 'A Thousand Splendid Suns,' which is a beautifully sad and inspiring novel by Khaled Hoseinni. If you have not yet read it, I absolutely recommend it.

I would first like to say I had an uncomfortable experience last night at an Alanon meeting. It was only the second time I have been to this particular meeting and it is a Beginners meeting. There was a lovely woman who qualified and then it was a pitch meeting. The gentleman chairing the meeting never asked for a spiritual time keeper. The qualifier was then left to her own devices for timing/not timing herself... and after the meeting turned to a pitch. This left me feeling awkward and a bit uncomfortable. I always get nervous about being scolded for what would be considered cross talk so I did not speak up to suggest that there be a spiritual time keeper. One of the things I love about the 12 Step Program is it's format, and I had to work hard throughout the rest of the meeting not to be distracted essentially by the rules not being followed. Looking now I see that it was a great lesson in acceptance, but at the time I have to admit it stressed me a little bit.

Onto other news... It seems that most of my recovery comes in the form of my relationships... specifically romantic relationships. I believe this is the area I have the most trouble in. I have become fairly decent with setting boundaries with my family and I feel that I am now able to set healthy boundaries in regard to my father... but my romantic life has a direct correlation with my self image, my need to please and my need to be loved. I had dinner with K2 last night. What a wonderful evening. We went for Italian and sat in a comfy little corner at the back of the restaurant. The weather here is getting chilly and it was nice to be in a warm restaurant with good food, a glass of wine and great company. K2 and I always have a great time together. I am not naive enough to think of him as my other half, but in many way the comfortable space between the two of us is something I am really coming to appreciate more and more. I think this might be one of God's lessons in this situation. I am not sure that I have ever known real intimacy with a man. I have always been quick to use my feminine prowess to get what I want. T he physical connection has always become very important to me (and although I feel physically and sexually attracted to K2) it is nice that I am not able to use that as a form of intimacy. Does that make sense? I am not sure. When K2 and I started spending time together again we both decided that a physical relationship would not be healthy for either one of us at this point. There is some hand holding and a kiss hello and goodbye but there is no longer intense physical contact between us. At times this is difficult for me. I feel that because we are not sexually intimate he must not care about me, but I am beginning to see that the lack of physical is enabling us to have true real intimacy. Maybe tomorrow everything will change and we wont be together, but for right now I am trying to learn and understand myself through the interactions with K2. I never realized how strongly I counted on these behaviors until I started changing them. We are able to talk and laugh, really listen to what each other has to say. I sometimes still think that because he does not spend the night with me he doesn't care about me and he is abandoning me. But he keeps coming back, and we keep enjoying our time together. I pray the trust continues to grow and that I am able to let go of those fears... realizing love doesn't mean obsession and consumption. It means giving myself and the other person enough room to grow and blossom, it means taking care of myself, it means caring but not taking care of....

I see the same woman on the train almost every day... and every day I cant help but stare are her huge diamond ring. And as I stare at it, I think... that's never going to happen for me. And then I have to tell myself maybe it wont. But if it doesn't... God must have something even better planned for me.

God, please help me to trust you. Please help me to listen when you speak.

Today I am grateful for:

Dinner with K2 last night

My HP

Letting go

Every day is a new day

Not always knowing the answers... not usually knowing the answers

The sun

Movie night tonight

My pumpkin :)
The fact that I don't wake up in the morning wondering if today is the day I am going to die because of wars, bombs, sickness, beating. I am free to make choices and to live my life how I want... not under tyrannical rules that only bring hate and hurt to others.

Busy as a Bee

Thank you everyone for your well wishes. It really means a lot to me. Its nice to feel others' love and support. I thought for sure I was feeling much better but alas I have hit a brick wall this afternoon... well maybe more like a mucus wall. I know disgusting. But very true. I seem to be at a crossroads of my mental health and my physical health today. I want badly to go to my ACOA home meeting tonight, but that little voice inside of me is saying it might be smarter to go home and rest. Hopefully the Tylenol I just took will set in and I will feel well enough to head to my meeting after work.

I have a lot going on right now. All kinds of things popping around in this head of mine. I really thank everyone who listens to me and I feel like I gain peace, strength, hope and love from all of you. I have my very own built in 24 hour support group.

As you know, I am not feeling well. When I am not feeling well my patience often runs a bit thin. I have been struggling the past few days with my co-worker, who also happens to be one of my best friends from college. I use the term best lightly... because as of late I have been reexamining what friendship is as a whole. Anyway, it is a very small office (4 people). K3, myself... who is also a K might I add, J and D. D is only in the office a few times a month and J is a very active alcoholic. **** This is a total side note, but have you all noticed how many K's are in my life? It's sorta bazaar. I wonder if there is any cool reasoning behind it.**** Back to point. In the past two days I have found it difficult to deal with K3. She gets stressed at work and tends to take it out on me. I remind myself that she is not doing it to me, she is just doing it. I am sure most of her attitude is her own stress. But its still irks me. It irks me because I let myself be upset by it and it irks me because I am too chicken to say anything to her about it. I don't want her to be mad at me, I don't want the work place to be uncomfortable, I am trying to use my words wisely and calmly instead of raging (quite frankly I'm not so good at it yet) and I know that part of the reason she does it is because we are friends and she is venting. That doesn't make it fair that I feel badly asking her to take a phone call- it is her job after all. I have a "don't shoot the messenger" attitude about it. This has happened before, and last time I handled the situation poorly. I am hoping that this go around I can handle the situation like an adult. I try to be understanding. J's drinking puts a lot of extra responsibility on all of us- particularly K3. It doesn't mean I should be the punching bag though. I am trying to detach and not make any harsh rash decisions. I am trying to understand that we are both not feeling well and I just need to be a little more patient. Whoa... I already feel better.

Okay, next on the list is K2. He came over last night to watch the debate with me. I made dinner and dessert. Apple Crisp! And it was Yummy with a capital Y. K2 brought vanilla ice cream. We had a nice night, and I am doing my very best not to over-analyze and over-think every darn thing. I get so caught up in my head before you know it no one is ever able to live up to my fantasy, including myself. It brought me to thinking about why as humans we feel the need to have an answer for everything. Life is all about the end point for so many of us... at least that's how I have always lived. I am trying to appreciate the journey right now. Today, the journey isn't so bad. Yay! That Tylenol is kicking in. :) Here is a little more background on the K2 situation. He is my mom's boyfriend (of three years who is four years sober) younger brother. We have known each other for about that long, and have been close friends for over a year. Last March we decided we like one another... we still like one another. But... his issues growing up in an alcoholic family and my alcoholic family sometime make it difficult to have a healthy relationship. We dated for five months and broke up in July. The break-up was awful. Some of my most painful darkest hours to date. We didn't speak for about a month and finally got together to talk. After talking we both decided to stay friendly... besides technically we are family and we have no choice. Anyway, we have been talking a few times a week and lately seeing each other at least one a week as well. We have talked about how the two of really care for one another and not seeing each other is awful... a relationship that does not make. He has a huge fear of commitment and I have a huge fear of abandonment. We have decided to just spend time together while working our own programs. This is often extremely painful and difficult, but I am praying to God that it is His will and not my own. I have learned some valuable lessons along this journey. I am learning that you do not have to be with someone everyday or talk to someone everyday in order for them to care about you or for you to care for them. I have always thought that love is obsession. That is certainly not the case. That's all I can really get out right now about the situation.

Lastly, I would like to say out loud (or out written) that I am praying to God about a sponsor. This is on God's time, but I am willing and ready to put the work and faith in to grow in this program. I don't really know how to go about the whole thing, but I figure offering it up to God is a heck of a good start.

Everyone, Have a great night and today I am grateful for:

My voice and my freedom

ACOA/Alanon.

Tylenol.

Comebacks- specifically the Boston Red Sox

My Higher Power