The Memory Ball

I wish I were like Dumbledore in Harry Potter. I always have so much swimming around in my head and I can never get it onto paper, or computer fast enough. I need a magic wand that takes all my thoughts and puts them into neat little jars. I feel that I am coming back around slowly but surely. The great thing about this program is that right where I am is where I am supposed to be. I realized this morning that I have not been living the first step recently. I have fallen back into thinking that I have control. SO not the case.


Last night's home ACOA was amazing. Higher Power was working all over the place. The shares were inspiring, sad, heart felt, gut wrenching and exactly what I needed to hear. There are a few of us all around the same age and it is comforting to hear similar stories in regard to living life in the big city... jobs, friendships and specifically dating. Each story could be told by any of us and that is what keeps me coming back. Knowing that there is a place where so many people get exactly one I am saying. There is nothing better than a friendly smile or a knowing head nod when I am sharing.

I have been dating again recently and this has lead me to see some scary truths about myself. I had no idea what an issue I have with commitment until very recently. I probably never noticed it because I was always "committing" to unavailable men. Makes it a lot easier to commit to someone when you know they won't be able to or choose not to commit back. What a slap in the face. I realize that I am the mirror of so many of my exes. I would like to share with myself and everyone a conversation I had this morning with a good friend. It really is helping wrap my brain around some of the historical stuff that is coming up for me. (I am Dimes19 by the way)

Dimes19 (11:36:55 AM): i am just really starting to see how my thinking effects my life and how so much of it comes back to my history

iChrisEsp (11:37:19 AM): ahh

Dimes19 (11:37:21 AM): i have recently been examining things because of dating. I never realized what a commitment-phobe I am

Dimes19 (11:37:47 AM): I am just like all the men I date. That's why I date them

Dimes19 (11:38:12 AM): unavailable is what i do. that way I never have to be available

Dimes19 (11:38:31 AM): its pretty heavy stuff

iChrisEsp (11:38:46 AM): wow

Dimes19 (11:43:58 AM): here's how it works. I date someone who is basically unavailable.. whether he says so or not. That way I already know what the outcome will be. Disappointment. But I'm never truly disappointed because i already know how its going to end. And it always ends. I never have to worry about committing myself because I am always chasing that person, which is good because if they actually stayed put and wanted a commitment i would run the other way

Dimes19 (11:44:33 AM): and the reason i have no problem meeting their friends, family etc.. is because its a way to manipulate the situation and i know that it makes it harder for them to break up with me.

iChrisEsp (11:44:39 AM): i started thinking about all the women I dated and especially the ones i liked

iChrisEsp (11:44:50 AM): and i don't think i deserved any of them

Dimes19 (11:45:00 AM): oh i do that too

Dimes19 (11:45:20 AM): that's the other thing. anytime i do meet someone nice or good i come up with a million reasons why i am not good enough

Dimes19 (11:45:41 AM): and then that helps to drive them away

Dimes19 (11:46:30 AM): best part about all of it is, i think i want the commitment and i get angry and jealous that others have it... yet when its in front of me i am scared to death and want nothing more than to run in the other direction.

iChrisEsp (11:47:13 AM): ahh

Dimes19 (11:48:51 AM): i am a master manipulator. But so are the men i date. So its a power struggle who can do it better and faster. than when we cant manipulate each other anymore... it ends

Honestly this is all I can even get through right now. It brings up so many painful memories and feelings that I can only deal with it in small doses. It feels good to be back and I plan to catch up with everyone next week. Have a wonderful weekend. Enjoy the snow if you have it!

The Three C's

I didn't cause it, I cant control it, and I cant cure it. This is my mantra for the day. What a blessing from God. I see many blessings from God lately. I am making a point to be more observant of that... seeing the glass as half full instead of empty. I called K2 today just to say hello and he was just in a very bad space. I actually thought for a minute something was really wrong (like life and death wrong-he is a detective). I was happy to hear that it was just emotional/work stuff. As soon as I heard him my first reaction was to try to fix it- do something, say something to make it better. Great news! Nothing I can do about it. If he is sad, upset etc. that is his responsibility. It has nothing to do with me. I didn't cause it, I cant control it and I certainly cant cure it. I suggested he might feel better after a meeting and I invited him out to watch the football game with us tonight and then I hung up. I didn't beg him to tell me what was wrong, I didn't ask him if it was because of me, I didn't try to make him feel better. I told him I can relate. I told him yesterday was a hard day for me so I went to a noon meeting and afterward I felt much better. I told him that I would like his company tonight. And then I told him to have a good day and I would talk to him later. That is a huge Yay! for me.

I still had the same initial thoughts. I still wanted to text him something nice and sappy after we hung up. I still had a few moments of feeling like it was all about me. But I was able to hang up on pain today. I feel much better. I will have a fun time tonight and recognize that everyone has their own feelings and everyone has a bad day(s). It is not my responsibility to step in and make everything better.

I also talked to my sister today. OK has recently started attending Adult Child meetings in Germany where she is living. It has been such a blessing. She has been feeling so much better and I can already see a difference in how she handles her daily life. I am so appreciative because it is allowing us to really understand one other on a whole new level. Areas where the both of us never could see eye to eye have now brought us closer together. I am so grateful for a family where recovery is talked about and encouraged. I am thankful for the tools of this program... and I am so happy that I am able to share them with my mom and sisters. Thank God for this program.

Today I am thankful for:

My HP

My home ACOA meeting

My sister and the continued growth of our relationship and understanding of one another.

Getting together tonight with my friends to watch the Patriots play the Jets.

One day at a time

Improvements... even if they are small

Poke My Eyes Out...

I have been so bored at work all week! I know I shouldn't complain because in these scary financial times I am lucky to even have a job... but sitting in front of the computer 5 days a week for 9 hours a day with nothing to do gets old very quickly. I actually think about sustaining an injury just to get out of the office. But then I always say to myself that if I am going to do that it has to be in the morning so I get to enjoy the entire 9 hours out of work. Problem being that I am not usually so bored in the mornings. It sets in around 2pm. And what good is that? I would only miss 3 hours of torture!

Now that I have my belly aching out of the way I would like to talk a little about my family. Something I haven't really done as of yet. The Original K, my 4 years younger sister lives with her husband in Germany- (Well actually I am the original K but who's really paying attention.) They are both going to grad school there and will be finished next year. OK has been living there for a few years now. She originally went her junior year of college to study and while there met her now husband in week 3 of the trip, living together in week 6, engaged in 12 months and married a little over a year now. I love him. He is wonderful. I love her. She is wonderful. BUT, she is just one ginormous stress ball. ALL of the time. Me, being the oldest growing up in an alcoholic family with a father who was often non-existent took on the role of Mom2 very early in life. Which has never really been relinquished- partly... well I suppose completely of my own accord. I still forget I have choices. I definitely set better boundaries now, but the truth of the matter is when our mom is unavailable they come to me. It would never cross their minds (I have a 9 year younger sister, L as well) to go to my father for anything. I believe I happily took on that role for many years because it fed my need of feeling wanted, important, being in control and needed. It is difficult now to see her so stressed and upset all of the time. Me, OK, L and my mom are all very close- mostly because we had to be. My father was never there, and even when he was he was drunk. He wanted nothing to do with us or my mom half the time so we became all that my mom had. We became all that any of us ever had. Friends come and go but mommy OK and L are forever.

My sister has a lot of health problems (nothing fatal but often chronic) and I can only begin to imagine the pain and frustration she must often feel. It is difficult enough to deal with life, its even more difficult to deal with life when you are always feeling crappy. I look at me just last week when I had a mere cold. Most of her healthy problems are related to allergies, asthma, intestinal issues (the lining of her intestine doesn't shed like everyone else's) and now we have just found out that her body produces an over abundance of yeast which they are afraid has spread to her intestines and stomach. Needless to say the day to day can be a bit challenging.

She called me yesterday very depressed. She has been more depressed and sad lately. And it is difficult to hear her and know that she is so far away. I know this sounds terrible, but sometimes I am thankful that she is far away because it makes it easier for me to set boundaries. I want to help her, but I also know that this is something she needs to figure out for herself. She gets so stressed over everything... even breathing. I have been struggling the last 2 days with wanting to fix things for her. She just recently found an ACOA meeting in Germany where she lives. I am so happy and encourage her to keep going even if she doesn't know why right now. Without taking her inventory I think that she is just beginning to see the effects of growing up in an alcoholic family have had on her and all of us- How unfortunately much of it has manifested in her physical well being. I feel that the more she stresses the more she gets sick and it turns into an endless cycle. I have this overwhelming need to act as her mom. This all get so huge here because my mom has been in and out of Alanon for quite a few years now and although she is currently going to meetings she has a good grasp on the program. As my mom has begun to recover, she has been able to set boundaries with us kids. In turn, OK has transferred the need for my mother to me in a lot of ways. For a long time I didn't know any better so I have enabled her to continue down this path. It scared me and worries me that by setting my own boundaries now that I will lose her.

Today I am trying to step back and realize that I can love her and support her, but I cant fix her. I still struggle with that. I can care for her, but not take care of her. I will say a prayer that her health problems are in God's hands and He knows whats best. At the same time it helps me to be grateful for all the good things in my own life.

Today I am grateful for:

My sister(s) and mom

My health

My ability to try to see the bigger picture

My home ACOA meeting tonight

My bed
Having a job to be bored at

Long distance phone calling

Small gestures