Taking a Time Out

I am taking a little time out this morning to breathe and have a few moments of silence. Everythin here is great but the constant flow of people can be a litle stressful. I can tell I have not been to an Al-Anon meeting in a week. This is a little time to focus on me and talk to HP righ now. It is difficult living with 4 people when you are used to living alone. At least now I recognize that it is probably not easy for everyone else either. I recognize when I am feeling stressed and out of control. I notice I start to clean. I cleaned my sister's apartment this morning. Not such a bad outlet for my craziness. The old me would have been miserable... started yelling etc.

I constantly have to remind myself that everyone has there own way of doing and dealing with things and my way is not the right way for THEM. Overall everything here is really wonderful. We have been having a lot of fun and there have been no fights. I think it is important that we all pay attention to our bodies and not try to pack too much in all of the time. We decided to stay home and make pizza last night and I am sure that it was the right decision. We were all able to get a good nights sleep.

Here is what I am struggling with today... I just want to complain for a moment and then move on. OK's husband is slow as mollases and has poor time manangememnt. Drives me crazy. We are always late for everything. I have been doing well (and OK does the same) with just letting him do his own thing. We leave for the train and if he misses it oh well. Its Christmas Eve and I am missing my mom. I am missing my mom anyway. I am missing my apartment and my bed and my schedule. The way I do things. This has really helped with appreciating living alone too. A lot of times I complain about being single... today I am VERY grateful for that. I am hating the weather here and how everyone else in my family has straight hair but me and I feel out of place because it is always misty and rainy and grumpy. This sounds so shallow. But EVERYONE in Germany has straight here but me and I sort of feel like a freak. I just feel a disturbance in "The Force" within myself if you will. I am headng for a shower and will take a few moments to talk to God and sort things out.

Today is going to be a wonderful day and overall I am truly grateful for everything in my life. I am so lucky and today I recognize that. I am happy to be able to recognize gratitude and that I am spending the day with my sisters and her husband. I am grateful that I get to experience a German Christmas. I am grateful that even though I am thousands of miles away from home I still have a network of recovery.

Peace, Serenity and Merry Christmas!!!

Viele Gruesse aus Deutschland

Greetings from Germany! I just wanted to say thank you for everyone wh said prayers for me. I talked to Little L. and worked everything out. We are having so much fun here. The plane ride was long and not very much fun bu we made it safely. HP had some good lessons in Letting go of what I have no control over. Exampe: broken plane ahead of us that caused us to sit on the tarmac for 2 hours before take off. :)

It has been a wonderful visit so far. We have had very full days and the jet lag is pretty much over with. All we have done is eat good food and drink germain beer and this hot wine drink called gluehwein. It's yummy. We had traditional Bavarian German on Sunday night and last night we had potato pancakes and some yummy meat at the Christmas market. The market is really fun with beautifully contsructed houses selling food, presents and wine. Everyone gather together in the sqaure to enjoy each others company. Today we will go to happy hour in Bremen and then come home and cook dinner and decorate the Christmas tree.

It has been nice to spend time with my sisters and to be able to share with them my experience with ACOA. We read the laundry list this morning for Adult Children. We all laughed at how much we related to everything on the list.

I hope everyone has a peaceful and joyful Holiday. Thanks for all the love and support. I have a lot of Catching up to do on blogs. Peace and Serenity.

Today I am grateful for:

My trip to Germany
My family
Christmas
Good food and drink
laughing
HP
Saying what I mean and meaning what I say (most of the time)

Lots of Gratitude

Today I am grateful for a busy day at work. It helped to make the time fly by.

Today I am grateful that my mommy's present just arrived via UPS. I was getting a little worried.

Today I am grateful that my co-worker brought in leftover chicken cutlets she made for dinner last night. They were super yummy!

Today I am grateful that it is my home ACOA meeting. I am looking forward to volunteering for service again. And also I am happy that I am able to attend one last meeting before I had overseas.

Today I am grateful for one more day of work before I am lucky enough to have 2 whole weeks off.

Today I am grateful for Christmas right around the corner

Today I am grateful that I am getting better and feeling better. I find myself able to use the program more often than not. And even though sometimes it takes a little time I am able to get out of the funk that used to last for days and sometimes weeks.

Today I am grateful for a loving and all knowing God- who guides me when I let him and who still loves me even when I don't.

Today I am grateful for my friends and family who have taken the time out of their busy schedules to see me before Christmas because I will be away.

Today I am grateful that I am able to make better decisions. I am able to let go of things and give them to my Higher Power.

Today I am grateful to reconnect with old friends from my childhood through the lovely network of facebook.

Today I am grateful that K1 took me to see Neil Young on Tuesday night and it was like a spiritual experience. It was an amazing concert and brought me back so many times to my childhood. He was great and he ended his encore with a Tom Waits song and then The Beatles, A Day In the Life. Pretty rad!

Today I am grateful for all my blogging friends- for their love and support and caring.

Today I am grateful that I actually take the time to be grateful. Because for a long time I just thought the world was always supposed to revolve around me (although sometimes I still do)

Happy Happy Joy Joy

Hi Everyone! I have so much catching up to do. I have been super busy preparing for my trip to Germany. There is so much to get in order before Saturday. I have been cleaning, Christmas shopping, wrapping and catching up with friends before I leave on my two week journey. Everything here is great with me. I can't remember the last time I have said that. I feel such a peace and serenity the last week or two. It's not that I don't still have problems, but my overall attitude, practice of the program and relationship with HP has been helping me with gratitude.

Some quick updates. I had a wonderful day with my mom on Saturday. We went to the Christmas market in Union Square in NYC. We shopped and had lunch. We talked and laughed and caught up. I told her about my program and she talked about hers and what helped her in Al-Anon. We talked about family and K2. She said she has noticed that I seem to be in a better place about the situation. I agreed. I see how completely powerless I am with the situation. It makes it all easier to let go of that way. I spent Sunday home giving my puppy a hair cut and cleaning my apartment. I have noticed that I don't mind spending time along anymore. I went to church on Sunday and made a big pot of chili in the afternoon. I am starting to do things I like instead of always worrying about everyone else.

I am finished shopping and I am just waiting for the rest of my on-line purchases to show up. I started wrapping presents last night and need to think about the mountain of laundry that needs to be done in order for me to pack. I have something to do each night in order to have everything squared away for Saturday.

I helped chair a meeting yesterday afternoon and was asked to qualify when I return from Germany. I have my business meeting on Thursday at my home ACOA and plan to volunteer again for service. I am making connections in meetings and writing out my Christmas cards. Dinner tomorrow with a good friend and celebrating Christmas with my mom, her boyfriend and my youngest sister on Friday night.

God is helping me to see all the amazing things in my life and everything I have to be grateful for. Oh, and it's been snowing her in NY today. :)

Today I am grateful for:

My gratitude
HP
Holiday season
Germany- 4 days!
Everyone here in the blogo-sphere
Steps 1,2,3
SNOW
Oh, and maybe free tickets to Neil Young tonight! He has been my favorite singer since I was like 5 years old

My Faith Part II

This is the good part. Where I finally come around. I wake up and smell the coffee if you will. I hope I didn't offend anyone with part 1. Like I said before, this is uniquely my experience. I do not claim that any church/religion is bad. Certain ones just weren't for me. That is my official disclaimer.

Since returning to Al-Anon I have been struggling to redefine my relationship with HP, as I call Him... God. I grew up in the Christian vain and at this point I do continue to believe in many of those principals. I believe God is forgiving and loving and is not the harsh punisher that I have been taught he is. I struggle with the idea that if you are gay, lesbian, Jewish etc.. you will not go to heaven. I believe that it is between me and God or you and God or whoever and God to work things out when the time comes. I know how I feel and that's all that I can control. I have a hard time with communion and the body and blood of Christ... do you get my point? I still have many questions. BUT, if I continue to pray and grow in my relationship with God all answers will come in time.

This brings me to my new Episcopal church that I have been testing out. It is only a few blocks away and they have many outreach programs in the area. I vote there and I have attended some book fairs and art shows in the space. Almost three weeks ago I gave it a go. It was a little nerve racking because I sometimes get uncomfortable when strangers come up to me and start a conversation. But, it wasn't so bad. The church has a bad, not just a choir, which I think is great because I love to sing at church. I believe that church should be fun. I like to sing, dance, clap hands. The pastor of the church is a woman. I have never heard a woman pastor speak before and it was amazing. I felt connected in a way I have never felt before. There was such an acute understanding. In her sermon she referenced art, literature, architecture and I thought that was great. I consider myself and artist (though on a long hiatus) and her connection were brilliant. Her sermon was about walking through life asleep. How many of us sleep through most of our lives and wake up one day to see how much time has been wasted. She said that there are many reasons why we sleep through life. Fear, addiction, anger etc. She referenced Alcoholism more than once and I really felt that God was speaking through her directly to me. I mean what church talks about alcoholism and drug addiction? No church I attended before. She spoke how important it is for us to be awake, to face our fears and live each day to the best of our ability. I was so moved by the sermon that last week I showed up again.

I talked to some more people and felt a little more comfortable. Her sermon this past week was about John the Baptist. According to the bible Jesus said that John the Baptist is basically as good as it gets. He was and amazing man of God, and that is because he knew two things. 1. he knew that there was a light, and that light was not him. 2. That John the Baptist knew that there was a power greater than himself. Okay, at this point I am freaking out because obviously the pastor knows all about me and wrote this sermon just for me. I was amazed. She was speaking the program to me through Gods word. Now, I am a firm believer that there are many ways to a relationship with a Higher Power. All I am saying is that for ME this was just a miracle. I spoke with the pastor after church to express my gratitude. In our talking I mentioned how I felt that the sermon was meant for me and that I am in Al-Anon etc... and she said to me, that's great. I am in Al-Anon too! How amazing is that? My pastor is in Al-Anon. And she brought me over and introduced me to some other women in the Program. What a miracle. God truly works in amazing ways when I let him.

Obviously that sealed the deal for me. I plan on attending the church regularly. I may have questions but I am certain if I continue to grow in my relationship with God and trust him all of those questions will be answered.

Today I am grateful for:

FRIDAY!

Eight days until Germany

HP

Steps 1,2,3

Miracles

A Pocket Full of Goodness

I am feeling unsettled and a little grumpy at the moment so I thought this would be as good a time as any to write about all the good things going on in my life right now. I read my devotional this morning in 'One Day At a Time in Al-Anon' and it talked about learning to see everything with a "fresh eye." I am so quick to point out the negatives in my life that often times I don't stop to appreciate all the happiness.

The most exciting thing going on for me right now is my trip to Europe in less than two weeks. My middle sister lives in Germany with her husband and my youngest sister and I will be flying out there in less than two weeks to visit them. We are going for two whole weeks!!! I am so excited. I have not had this much time off since college. I think it is going to be a really great trip. We leave on the 20th and don't get back until January 3rd. During the middle weekend of our vacation we are flying to Milan, Italy for four days. I have never been to Italy. It is going to be so great. I will be sure to take thousands of pictures to bore you all with when I get back. I am happy that the three of us will be together for the holiday. I am a little sad as well because this will be the first Christmas I have ever spent without my mom and I am 28 years old. I think she is sad too, but happy that the three of us will be together. My mom has her boyfriend and his family to spend the holidays with so I know she will not be alone. We will be spending Christmas eve at my sister's husbands families house. Christmas eve is the big event in Germany. We will decorate the tree, open presents and have a wonderful meal together. German tradition is to have dessert first before any other course. I thought that was silly at first but the change of pace is a lot of fun. There is a great Christmas market (P.S. that picture above is the market, cool huh) in the town my sister lives in and we will get to enjoy that for three days. We will have our own Christmas dinner the next day with just the four of us where will will exchange our own presents. We leave the day after Christmas for Italy. OK and Chatz live in North West Germany so it will be pretty cold there. I always ask her why she couldn't have chosen someplace tropical. Oh well. I am hoping to check out some museums, see some great architecture, eat some great food and drink some yummy beer. Becks is brewed in the town my sister lives. I am very much looking forward to the trip and spending time with my sisters. We are all so different, but yet in our adulthood have really (for the most part) come to accept, understand and love one another.

Another good thing, which I mentioned the other day is my fantasy football league. There are 12 of us in total and I am now in round 3 of the play offs and the only woman left. I totally love football... like don't miss a game, glued to the TV, every man's dream love football. My team name is 'Livin On A Prayer' which seems appropriate because every week I should lose but my team manages to pull it out in the end. I am a huge NE Patriots fan oh and Boston Red Sox. (I am sure I just made tons of enemies right here). But like it or not I was born and raised in NE. This is my first fantasy league and I'm pretty stoked at how well I have done and how much I have learned. I like being able to talk intelligently about the game. I really find it annoying when chics pretend to like the game in order to get a guys attention. No time for that nonsense.

Lastly, and I am almost afraid to jinx it... I have been feeling much better about K2. I still miss him, but this week has not been consumed with thoughts of him and us and what I want to be. We talked last Wednesday for awhile and I think I finally heard him for the first time. I am always so quick to hear the 'I love you' and disregard the BUT that comes after it. I finally hear the BUT and realized how absolutely powerless I am over the whole thing. That has helped immensely over the last week. I have made it my mantra for the last week to say and do steps 1,2,3 every day. Today I am powerless over alcohol, over K2, over anyone but myself. If I try to exert power over them my life will be unmanageable. Today I believe that my HP, God can restore me to sanity. Today I make the decision to turn my life and will over to you, God. I repeat this over and over whenever I need to.

And lastly, I have started going to church again. I have a really amazing HP is totally in control story about church but this post is already too long and I know a lot of you are skimming through (not that I ever do that **big grin**) Church has been good. I am taking the "take what you like and leave the rest approach" right now. It seems to be working.

Today I am grateful for:

Feeling better about my rotten mood after pointing out all the good in my life

Steps 1,2,3

HP

My upcoming vacation

Program

Having money to Christmas shop this year.. actually having money to pay all of my bills on time and not having to worry about checks bouncing

'Six Feet Under'- its totally one of the best shows ever and I can totally relate program to it all of the time

Hump day

This lovely warm weather in NYC. Lovin' it!

I Am Honest (most of the time)

I have fallen behind on my blogging and reading. I will catch up soon. I have missed everyone. So here goes. Thank you Syd for the honesty award.

Here are the rules:

I have to list 10 honest things about myself, and then pass the award on to 7 bloggers.

So here it is:

1. I have to admit that I like girly pop music- Britney Spears, Kelly Clarkson, Mandy Moore and oh yes even Paris Hilton (don't judge me).

2. I have honestly thought and considered hurting myself (without the intent of death) in order to gain some one's attention and love.

3. When I was a kid I used to think my stuffed animals had feelings. I took turns sleeping with all of them because I didn't want anyone to feel bad.

4. I was born in Riverside, RI and lived in the same house my mom was raised in from the time she was 7. We moved to Tabernacle, NJ when I was 15 and a freshman in High school. I hated my parents for taking me away from everything and everyone I loved. Today, I believe it was one of the best decisions my parents made for me.

5. I am allergic to artificial red coloring. When I was 17 I ate a red freeze pop and had an anaphylactic reaction. I was rushed to the hospital and almost went into shock. I no longer eat anything with red dye and I am supposed to always carry an eppy-pen.

6. I still look for K2's blue SUV when I am walking up my street.

7. I have webbed toes!

8. I was afraid to drive as a teenager. I did not get my licence until I was almost 19 years old. My mom made me.

9. I am not a big sweets person. Most people want dessert after a meal. I almost never crave chocolate. I would much prefer a big bowl of pasta or a plate of rice and beans.

10. I honestly believe that my father will drink until the day he dies.

Okay, I think almost everyone has received this award by now, but there may be a few of you left...

Calm Acceptance

Just For Today

Wait.What?

The Junky's Wife

Alright, I think that is all of you. Thanks so much again to everyone here. I don't think I can express in words how much all of you help me. It is so nice to know that I have so many people caring and praying for me. As you may be able to tell I am in much better spirits over the last few days. More about that tomorrow.

Today I am grateful for:

Steps 1,2,3- Daily

Powerlessness

I am the only girl left in my fantasy football league. I am seriously kicking some butt!

Busy work days

Less than two weeks until Germany and the holidays!

Warmer weather here in NY

HP

Knowing that this too shall pass... peace and acceptance

Today I will be okay

Here is a great big thank you to Syd for the honesty award. That is huge for me and means I am doing something right. It is almost time for me to go but I will work on my 10 honest things over the weekend. This will be fun!

In the mean time just a thank you for everyone who has been supporting me. I feel like I have been on a seesaw this week.. and not a fun one. It means so much to me. I would like to say a great big TGIF! to everyone. Have a wonderful weekend... its gonna be brrrrrrr here in NYC this weekend. Here is a very happy and very humble and very grateful gratitude list to start my weekend.

Today I am grateful for:

Powerlessness

My HP, whom I chose to call God

Home ACOA meeting- its like my very own miracle once a week

Connecting with friends

Knowing... really knowing that I have people in my life who love and care for me

Friday! It is my favorite day of the week

Knowing that "this too shall pass"

Learning new lessons

The opportunity to spend my Christmas holiday in Germany with my two sisters

For my job (even when its boring)- and the fact that they are letting me take two whole weeks off over the holidays to go play in Europe

My family, particularly my mom and sisters. They are my heart and soul

The holiday season even if that means annoying tourists in my city

Friends

A better tomorrow

12 Steps

Working at it

All my new blogger friends who have reached out and accepted me just he way I am today

Thankfulness

I hope everyone had an enjoyable Thanksgiving. For those who had a difficult day it is nice to know that the time has now past and today is a new day. I experienced my most peaceful and serene Thanksgiving of my life this year. It was wonderful. Although there were a few moments of sadness my thankfulness for everything I have in my life picked me up and cradled me through the day.

It was a quiet day. It was me, my mom and her boyfriend and Little L. Everyone just sat back, relaxed and enjoyed the food and company. It was my most sober Thanksgiving. Usually, everyone in my family is drinking (because they are alcoholics) or drinking because they are trying to deal with the alcoholic. This year, we didn't even get through a bottle of wine with dinner. My mom and I did all of the cooking. It was so relaxed and enjoyable. We started early and took our time. We had dinner in courses and didn't rush through. It made the dinner that much more special. We each went around the dinner table and expressed what we are grateful for. This is a bit difficult for me because I have trouble expressing my feelings sometimes to others, but it was well worth it. The food, and the company and the peacefulness of the day was just what I needed. I had a few moments of sadness and self-pity, but mostly I was just so happy that today I can do things differently. I can change. Although it is hard at times... I do have choices.

Today I am grateful for:

A beautiful sunny day

A peaceful and happy Thanksgiving

My family

Spending time with my little sister

Kind greetings from friends, family and bloggers :)

My HP

Choices and change (even when its painful and difficult)

Encouragement from others

T.R.U.S.T.

Do they have one of those cool acronyms for the word trust? I hope so. I have been avoiding posting on my blog. Not entirely sure why... not wanting to deal with reality most likely. When I write it down then its all out there. It's alive and real.

I don't want to dedicate this whole post to K2 but I will say that we talked on Saturday. He was understanding and in agreement. He told me he admires my courage and strength for being the one to let go. Is that what I have done? Let go? Because it certainly doesn't seem like it now. I think about him all of the time. Every day on the way to my apartment I walk up the street and look for his car. The blue Xterra. My mind plays tricks on me sometimes and I think he is there... waiting for me. He never is. I wonder if missing him will ever go away. The pain right now is so acute. Mostly it is this dull ache that is always in my heart, but sometimes when I see or hear something the pain becomes so shocking that I have to take a few deep breaths. The only way I can describe it is its as if someone has knocked the wind out of me. It hurts. I love him. He loves me, he told me as much on Saturday. Something to the effect of I have loved you from the first time I met you. If that doesn't break your heart.

I know. My logical brain gets that he has so much he needs to work on. I have so much I need to work on. God is in control. I can TRUST. My heart says the opposite. My heart questions my decision. My heart says I have abandoned him. My heart says to call him. But can you abandon someone who hasn't made a commitment? I know that they are only feelings at it too shall pass... but it is difficult and I hurt. And I love him. And I need to surrender. Some moments I do.

On the other hand tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I will be spending the day with my mom and her boyfriend and my youngest sister, Little L. My mom and I are making all of the food. There will be only 4 of us with enough food for at least 20. We are Portuguese. We can't help ourselves ;) Dinner menu includes, but is not limited to deviled eggs, stuffed celery, squash soup, pear and blue cheese salad, sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes, brussel sprouts gratin, turkey and gravy, Portuguese stuffing, cranberry sauce, caramelized pearl onions and for dessert homemade apple pie and pumpkin pie with caramel topping. See... told you there would be enough for twenty. I am looking forward to spending time with Little L. I haven't seen her in awhile because she is away at college and has a new boy friend. It should be a peaceful and enjoyable holiday. Little L. is 9 years younger than me and I basically helped raiser her for as long I can remember. She is now 19 years old and I have to realize that she is no longer a child and can make her own decisions (whether I agree with them or not). I am actually looking forward to using the tools of ACOA and Alanon. A lot has changed since last Thanksgiving and I am looking forward to a more peaceful serene Kristen. My middle sister, OK lives in Germany with her husband. I am sad that she will not be here for the Thanksgiving Holiday (it's her favorite) but I am so grateful that we are going to get to spend two weeks with her and her husband in Germany and Italy over the Christmas holidays. It is going to be an amazing experience.

Here are a few pictures of the three of us. Everyone says we have the same smile. The resemblance ends there. Little L and I are totally my dads side of the family. OK is all my mom. I used to tell her she was adopted. Not very nice of me.

I am going to do my best to be grateful for all that God has bestowed upon me. There is so much. Each day it gets a little better and I constantly remind myself that I am allowed to feel my feelings. They are mine. That doesn't mean they have to consume me.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving. Peace and Serenity.

Today I am grateful for:

My amazing family

Thanksgiving feast tomorrow

Getting out of work early

Spending time with my family

A loving and trusting God

Sunny days

Home cooking

Laughing

Everyone here who supports me

A safe surgery and speedy recovery for my sister

My home and everything I have in it

The Three C's

I didn't cause it, I cant control it, and I cant cure it. This is my mantra for the day. What a blessing from God. I see many blessings from God lately. I am making a point to be more observant of that... seeing the glass as half full instead of empty. I called K2 today just to say hello and he was just in a very bad space. I actually thought for a minute something was really wrong (like life and death wrong-he is a detective). I was happy to hear that it was just emotional/work stuff. As soon as I heard him my first reaction was to try to fix it- do something, say something to make it better. Great news! Nothing I can do about it. If he is sad, upset etc. that is his responsibility. It has nothing to do with me. I didn't cause it, I cant control it and I certainly cant cure it. I suggested he might feel better after a meeting and I invited him out to watch the football game with us tonight and then I hung up. I didn't beg him to tell me what was wrong, I didn't ask him if it was because of me, I didn't try to make him feel better. I told him I can relate. I told him yesterday was a hard day for me so I went to a noon meeting and afterward I felt much better. I told him that I would like his company tonight. And then I told him to have a good day and I would talk to him later. That is a huge Yay! for me.

I still had the same initial thoughts. I still wanted to text him something nice and sappy after we hung up. I still had a few moments of feeling like it was all about me. But I was able to hang up on pain today. I feel much better. I will have a fun time tonight and recognize that everyone has their own feelings and everyone has a bad day(s). It is not my responsibility to step in and make everything better.

I also talked to my sister today. OK has recently started attending Adult Child meetings in Germany where she is living. It has been such a blessing. She has been feeling so much better and I can already see a difference in how she handles her daily life. I am so appreciative because it is allowing us to really understand one other on a whole new level. Areas where the both of us never could see eye to eye have now brought us closer together. I am so grateful for a family where recovery is talked about and encouraged. I am thankful for the tools of this program... and I am so happy that I am able to share them with my mom and sisters. Thank God for this program.

Today I am thankful for:

My HP

My home ACOA meeting

My sister and the continued growth of our relationship and understanding of one another.

Getting together tonight with my friends to watch the Patriots play the Jets.

One day at a time

Improvements... even if they are small

A Long and Winding Road

It has been busy here at work over the past week or so and I am one of probably five people left who does not have the Internet at home. I know, you cant believe it. Honestly its refreshing... I just got cable and that is bad enough. The last thing I need is 24/7 access to the world wide web. I am blessed to have a job where I have full Internet access and plenty of time to use it. That being said, when Big Bad Boss (who really isn't so bad at all) is in town I have zero time to play. He is now gone, and I now have time to play.

I have finally had time to catch up on blogs and do a little extra reading. I am so grateful for everyone here... I have recently been reading up on every one's stories and I am so humbled and grateful at God's Awesome Power. There have been so many times I have said to myself "my father will never be able to get sober," and maybe he wont but your stories and God's love give me hope. I do not pray for anything other than acceptance and God's will, but I find it amazing to see how God has changed so many of our lives. Whenever I am sad, depressed and feeling pity for myself I will make an effort to remember where I came from and where I am now. So, thank you so much to everyone for sharing your experience, strength and hope.

Some things going on in my life right now. First off, I feel like my posts are just so in eloquent. I usually have so many thoughts swimming around in my head that I am lucky to get them all out never mind make them look and sound pretty and witty. That being said I am trying to be gentle with myself. I am me and me is just fine for today. Please bare with my sometimes disconnected thoughts. There are a few phrases and slogans that have been playing around in my head this week. One being 'My relationship with others' do not define me' and 'Just for today I will not dial pain.' I must say that to myself 100 times a day. I am not always successful either. But, I am more successful than I used to be. Before I pick up the phone or send a text I say to myself "can I deal with the outcome" What a huge success for me. I don't like to give myself credit. If I am not perfect at it 100% of the time, it means I have failed. I am more successful at certain things with certain people.

Here are some areas I would like to give myself credit for. K1 and I have not been spending so much time together. My eyes have been opened to the fact that although he is a good person he is not always healthy for me. K1 brings out many of my Codie traits. Traits I don't particularly like in myself. We talked for the first time in awhile on Monday evening. I have to say that there was a time where I thought we would be best friends and lovers forever- like I needed him in my life and thought what would i do without him. Lately, I haven't felt that way. I still care for him, but through the grace of God I have been able to detach and let go. Back to Monday evening... we talked. I acted completely opposite to how I am talking now. I did my typical manipulative, all about me, love me, selfish self-centered act. As I was doing it, I realized I was doing it and I asked myself why I was doing it because its not how I really feel. It pisses me off that I would act this way but at the same time I am just so happy and grateful that I was able to identify this behavior. Now I can stop myself from doing it again. We made plans for this evening. You know what, I woke up this morning and just had this overwhelming feeling that spending time with K1 tonight is just not healthy for me. The old me would have felt too guilty to cancel. I did it. I told him that I am just not feeling up to going out this evening. I would rather go home, go to the gym and make a healthy dinner. I cant believe I am saying this. The old me would have been fearful of a night alone, wanting someone to stroke my ego and make me feel better about myself. I will not let others define me. I am hanging up on pain today... on that front at least. I need to acknowledge these small triumphs. Creating healthy patterns even when sometimes it can be painful.

Another good thing. I have been struggling with praying and meditation lately. I read the other day that when I am focusing on a problem or painful thought that I should stop and focus on something good for one minute. I have been focusing on the ocean and the waves. Yesterday I purchased a 'Sounds of the Ocean' soundtrack. I started listening to it during my meditation time and it already helping me focus, breath and see the beauty of God in the sound. I know all of these steps are small, but they are more than what I was doing a few months ago. Very slowly one day at a time... with plenty of difficult days in between I am making healthier choices.

Now that I have talked about some of the good things in my life... I would like to bring up a very recurring theme. My relationship with K2. Endless struggle of good vs. evil. Yesterday marked four months to the day that K2 and I broke up- which might I add is almost the same amount of time we dated. Yet, I still find myself entangled in this mess. Do let me fool anyone, I see my part. I am aware... I am all too aware. Awareness with no acceptance. I am always stuck in what could be. What could be, is not and therefore is. He was away on vacation last week in Arizona. No talking to him was easy for me. He was gone... 2,000 miles away. Easy! For my mind that is reasonable. K2 is away, out of sight, out of touch.... doable. I wish he would just move away forever. I wish he told me he hated me and that he never wants to talk to me again. It would make it so much easier. Why do I have to be the strong one? Why do I have to be the one to walk away? It sucks. I hate it. Not being with him is awful, but this "thing" we have right now is awful too. He came home yesterday. He called me from the airport (of course). Why does he do that? I want him to do that. And I don't want him to do that. Can't he read minds? Do I actually have to speak the words out loud? Why is it always just enough? Don't get me wrong... he is a wonderful man. That's why I love him. He is a wonderful Adult Child with severe abandonment issues that has told me he loves me but doesn't know if he sees himself with anyone, never mind me. Oh, but if he does see himself with someone that someone would be me he just doesn't know. Hahaha... I am actually laughing at how ridiculous that and I sound. I was in a much needed midday meeting today and the speaker said, "You don't marry a fixer-upper." That really resonated with me. Is that what I am trying to do? Of course I am trying to control the situation. Of course I know HP is telling me I need to let go. Of course I know that it is God's will and not my own. Today, I am having trouble with that. I know it is not going to all come at once. This is a slow gentle program. I will read what I have written above and be grateful for all the areas where I see change and I will continue to pray for courage, strength and willingness to change in the areas that I am not currently able to.

Today I am grateful for:

Midday meetings

Each new day

My HP

Healthy choices

My mom and all of her support in everything I do

Mondays...

I have so much to say, but so little time. My boss is rarely in the NY office so generally I have lots of times on my hands. He has been here for a week now, so until he is gone I cant seem to find time for more than a gratitude list. Although I am thankful because being busy is way more interesting than being bored.

I would just like to say... new and old friendships... God works in great ways.

Today I am grateful for:

Busy days at work

A merciful, gentle God

New friendships

SUN!

Motivation for the gym

Friends who express their gratitude for our friendship... and being able to express that gratitude back.

10 minutes left of work

The Program

Poke My Eyes Out...

I have been so bored at work all week! I know I shouldn't complain because in these scary financial times I am lucky to even have a job... but sitting in front of the computer 5 days a week for 9 hours a day with nothing to do gets old very quickly. I actually think about sustaining an injury just to get out of the office. But then I always say to myself that if I am going to do that it has to be in the morning so I get to enjoy the entire 9 hours out of work. Problem being that I am not usually so bored in the mornings. It sets in around 2pm. And what good is that? I would only miss 3 hours of torture!

Now that I have my belly aching out of the way I would like to talk a little about my family. Something I haven't really done as of yet. The Original K, my 4 years younger sister lives with her husband in Germany- (Well actually I am the original K but who's really paying attention.) They are both going to grad school there and will be finished next year. OK has been living there for a few years now. She originally went her junior year of college to study and while there met her now husband in week 3 of the trip, living together in week 6, engaged in 12 months and married a little over a year now. I love him. He is wonderful. I love her. She is wonderful. BUT, she is just one ginormous stress ball. ALL of the time. Me, being the oldest growing up in an alcoholic family with a father who was often non-existent took on the role of Mom2 very early in life. Which has never really been relinquished- partly... well I suppose completely of my own accord. I still forget I have choices. I definitely set better boundaries now, but the truth of the matter is when our mom is unavailable they come to me. It would never cross their minds (I have a 9 year younger sister, L as well) to go to my father for anything. I believe I happily took on that role for many years because it fed my need of feeling wanted, important, being in control and needed. It is difficult now to see her so stressed and upset all of the time. Me, OK, L and my mom are all very close- mostly because we had to be. My father was never there, and even when he was he was drunk. He wanted nothing to do with us or my mom half the time so we became all that my mom had. We became all that any of us ever had. Friends come and go but mommy OK and L are forever.

My sister has a lot of health problems (nothing fatal but often chronic) and I can only begin to imagine the pain and frustration she must often feel. It is difficult enough to deal with life, its even more difficult to deal with life when you are always feeling crappy. I look at me just last week when I had a mere cold. Most of her healthy problems are related to allergies, asthma, intestinal issues (the lining of her intestine doesn't shed like everyone else's) and now we have just found out that her body produces an over abundance of yeast which they are afraid has spread to her intestines and stomach. Needless to say the day to day can be a bit challenging.

She called me yesterday very depressed. She has been more depressed and sad lately. And it is difficult to hear her and know that she is so far away. I know this sounds terrible, but sometimes I am thankful that she is far away because it makes it easier for me to set boundaries. I want to help her, but I also know that this is something she needs to figure out for herself. She gets so stressed over everything... even breathing. I have been struggling the last 2 days with wanting to fix things for her. She just recently found an ACOA meeting in Germany where she lives. I am so happy and encourage her to keep going even if she doesn't know why right now. Without taking her inventory I think that she is just beginning to see the effects of growing up in an alcoholic family have had on her and all of us- How unfortunately much of it has manifested in her physical well being. I feel that the more she stresses the more she gets sick and it turns into an endless cycle. I have this overwhelming need to act as her mom. This all get so huge here because my mom has been in and out of Alanon for quite a few years now and although she is currently going to meetings she has a good grasp on the program. As my mom has begun to recover, she has been able to set boundaries with us kids. In turn, OK has transferred the need for my mother to me in a lot of ways. For a long time I didn't know any better so I have enabled her to continue down this path. It scared me and worries me that by setting my own boundaries now that I will lose her.

Today I am trying to step back and realize that I can love her and support her, but I cant fix her. I still struggle with that. I can care for her, but not take care of her. I will say a prayer that her health problems are in God's hands and He knows whats best. At the same time it helps me to be grateful for all the good things in my own life.

Today I am grateful for:

My sister(s) and mom

My health

My ability to try to see the bigger picture

My home ACOA meeting tonight

My bed
Having a job to be bored at

Long distance phone calling

Small gestures

Attitude of Gratitude

Today I am trying my best to have an attitude of gratitude. I learned of an old friend's passing last night. It was someone who used to be like family to me, but have sense lost touch with. I feel sad, angry and grateful all at the same time.

This person is someone I spent a fair share of time with in my early 20's. He was older than me and I felt he was like a brother figure to me during that time in my life. I am the oldest of three girls... so having a positive male role model in my life was something I never fully appreciated until now. Because of family circumstances I had not spoken to this person in almost six years. There was never any specific animosity between us, but there is still much between our families.

I feel grateful today that I have my family with me and that we do not have to endure this horrible tragedy. Life truly is short and I must live everyday like it could be my last. I get so caught up with the small things in life, that often I forget to step back and appreciate all I have around me. How quickly I find fault in others or get upset over petty things. Just for today I want to appreciate with gratitude all the amazing things I have in my life.

On that note I would like to acknowledge something that I struggle with. In the ACOA Laundry list it states "ACOA’s become addicted to excitement and drama, which can give them their fix of adrenaline and the feeling of power which accompanies it. " This is difficult for me to admit, but I find myself wanting to get caught up in the drama surrounding my friend's death. It is so easy to want to stick myself in the middle of something that is really none of my business. I am praying to my HP for peace, acceptance and comfort for not only myself but for his family and friends. I need to acknowledge the tragedy and realize that I am powerless over it. The situation does not need to become a huge drama in my life today.

Today I am grateful for:

My life.

My family.

My HP watching over me and my loved ones.

Alanon/ACOA

Acceptance that just because something terrible happens, I can choose to see the good in it.