I Made a Boo Boo

I had a bad work experience this weekend. I am still not over it in my head. Talk about not being able to let things go. It seems better to me in my head to continue to punish myself for mistakes. Talk about a good lesson in the The Serenity Prayer.

I am an Executive Assistant for the EVP of a very large company. (So not my cup of tea if you know me at all- I have always been really artsy and lack that great attention to detail that seems to be oh so necessary when taking care of someone that basically can't even feed themselves). It was my duty to send a FedEx First overnight delivery to Big Boss's house for Saturday delivery on Friday. I do all the work- print the memos, make the packets etc., and create the FedEx slip online. All good to go. Nope! Me lacking the attention to detail I mentioned above got so stuck on the 1st over night thing that I didn't realize that 1st over night isn't available for Saturday delivery. I leave thinking everything is okay. Go out for Halloween with friends (which was lots of fun- thanks everyone for the well wishes) and didn't get home until 2AM. Saturday morning comes around and I wake up around 7AM to use the bathroom and I see on my Blackberry that there is no delivery status email. I then go straight into a panic attack and play back yesterday's events in my head. Come to think of it I never clicked the "Saturday delivery" option. Crap! Now its 7AM I have had 4 hours sleep- after a few cocktails the night before and I realize Big Boss isn't going to get his package on time. I call FedEx, all the while praying I was mistaken or perhaps they could perform a miracle. They say call back in an hour and half at 9AM when they open. This really sets me off. At this point I am begging God, reciting The Serenity Prayer over and over and pacing my apartment.

I made a mistake. No other way of getting around it. I could try to lie, but really that is going to get me nowhere. Might I add that there was a time in my life that I would have absolutely lied (coming to realize its a 4th step character defect). But, really promptly admitting my mistake and making amends was my best option. I emailed my boss stating I made a mistake and that I was going to the office to fax/email etc. everything to the other assistant to make sure he had everything he needed for Sunday's meeting. I then got up and went to the office immediately (basically to punish myself for my mistake). I say I was punishing myself because it was 9AM on a Saturday morning and the meeting wasn't until the next day at 2PM. I was faxing the memos to the Virginia office for the assistant to print on Sunday. I could have gone at any point in the day on Saturday but I felt the need to go then. I also felt the need to deny myself any breakfast or coffee. My mind was consumed with the mistake I made and I was unable to do anything else. I feel so much shame and guilt for this mistake I made. I was/still am so afraid of my boss- his reaction, his disappointment, the possibility of him yelling at me, maybe even firing me. I am projecting every bad feeling I have about myself onto this situation. And I am still doing it. I feel like such a failure. I do this kind of stuff. I don't know why. I make mistakes. Why? It doesn't seem like others do. I don't even know why I do it. I compare myself to others. Why am I so non-observant? Why don't I re-check everything again? Mistakes like that shouldn't happen. I disappoint myself. I beat myself up. I have difficulty forgiving myself. I am still fearful that I will be yelled at when Big Boss comes into the office this week. It is absolutely awful. And the worst part is that I have been beating myself up over this incident for two days now, and I still feel guilty.

What a horrible disease this is. I have been fighting off sadness and depression for a week now and this incident has not helped. I pray that by talking about it, going to meetings and trying to be gentle with myself I will be able to let this go and learn from my mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes, right?

Today I am grateful for:

Midday meetings

Alanon slogans

Miracles on 59th Street

I was reading my daily devotion in "One Day At A Time In Alanon" this morning and the concept of miracles absolutely struck me. I am so quick to accept and expect others miracles as my own. I had to read the page four times to let it all sink in.

"One Day..." states that our alcoholic finding sobriety is absolutely a miracle, but not my miracle. What an astounding concept. I am always so quick to take everything so personally, which is actually a form of control. I feel blessed that my qualifiers no longer live in the same home as me and I am not directly effected by their drinking anymore, but I find myself in a relationship with an Adult Child and we often assume many of the same qualities of an active alcoholic. I found that replacing the word "alcoholic" with the word "adult child" helped me today to realize that I do not have the right to accept his recovery for my own. The only person's recovery I am responsible for is me.

What an empowering concept. One that takes a lot of pressure off of me and allows me to focus on myself and look at my own recovery. Alanon will help me make something of my own life. I am not responsible for the adult child's recovery.

Today's Reminder:

"The adult child member, however close to me, is the concern of his friends in ACOA. He must be left free to follow the program in his own way. If I am truly grateful, I will keep hands off."

What an important reminder. I am so quick to always be thinking about others. I must try one day at a time to keep the focus on myself and my relationship with my HP.

Today I am grateful for:

Alanon/ACOA

The beautiful weather her in the NE

My home meeting this evening

Trusting- Well trying to trust.