Back in the saddle again...

I don't know why I haven't written in so long. I have been lazy. I have been lacking in recovery. I have been wrapped up with "the others" Combination of all of it I guess. I am fighting through it. Still going to meetings. Not nearly enough, but still going. I know this too shall pass. I am going to make an effort. Not because I have to but because I want to and its good for me. Thanks to everyone that checked up on me. I am doing well... happy for the most part. Still dealing with the day to day. I am getting better at letting go of somethings and most likely picking up new vices.

One of the key characteristics of an ACOA is the tendency to have a black and white perspective. It's always all or nothing with me. When I do it... I do it 150% and when I am bored of it I move on to the next thing. Balance is something I lack. So, this is my reattempt at balance. Germany got the ball rolling for me. The trip was amazing but the lack of schedule took a toll on me. It was too easy to change patterns that were still so fresh in the making. I have been struggling since I have been home to get back into a routine. I need to say this all out loud because it is easy to ignore if I don't. I have been more social again lately. I started dating again. All good things in moderation, but when any one thing dominates that's where the trouble lies. I know the drill. I haven't been reading my devotionals and my talking to HP is less. I need to get back on the horse.

So much has been going on in my life. Maybe that's part of the problem too. I have so much to say all the time. I never know where to begin. I guess right here would be a good place. For now I am back... just for today.

Today I am grateful for:

People who care about me and my well being

A HP that loves me even when I turn my back

LOST Season 5

Having a job for today

Being self-sufficient

Shrimp Fried Rice

Balance

Thank You

Thank you everyone for your love and support even when and most importantly when I don't want to hear it. It can be quite difficult to face your demons. I know I have a lot of character defects I need to work on, but for today I am proud of myself for at least speaking them out loud. There was a time where I would have never recognized my need for change. Today everything seems just a little brighter. I am happy to be getting my feelings out there... working through them and actually paying attention to my feelings and thoughts. Sometimes I feel that I am complaining or that I am obsessing (usually I am). I realized it doesn't matter though. Writing in this blog is for me... and I can say whatever I damn well please. I don't need to worry about being boring, ugly, unfunny, annoying or any of the other million bad things that can pop into my head. This blog is for me and my healing. That being said I certainly hope that I am able to reach others, help others and I certainly appreciate the love and support. It is just important for me to acknowledge that I am doing this for me and my recovery.

I have never really told my story and I don't much have the patience for it today. Steve-O-roni was asking if I was AA. I am not... although that does not make me a stranger to the many members. I consider myself ACOA, Al anon-er and newly recovering (certainly not newly realized) Cody. My father is my main qualifier. He still actively drinks. My mom was my codependant inspiration. Boy, was a good learner! I have since been involved with and befriended many other alcoholics, addicts and adult children. I am only just now in the last (almost 6 months) beginning to unravel my past and begin the recovery process.

Too warn down to discuss in detail my conversation with K2 last night. All I can say is that it is bringing me one step further in the recovery process. Yesterday was bad, today is a lot better. I could not see the light at the end of the tunnel yesterday... today I can. I will go to my home ACOA meeting tonight and keep plugging along one day at a time.

Today I am grateful for:

A light at the end of the tunnel

My home ACOA

Caring and support from others

Catching up with friends

The holidays

A quick work week

This to shall pass

All Things In Good Time

I feel sad and lonely today. Can't seem to shake it. I don't have any particular reason to feel this way... nothing specifically has happened in the last 24 hours to trigger these feelings. I think it started last night after I got home from my meeting. I usually feel great after my Thursday night home ACOA meeting. I am thinking that maybe it was triggered by the music I was listening to. I used to love 'Coldplay'- still do really. It was my longer than life ex and I's favorite band. After we broke up and he moved out I lost all the electronics in what I term "the divorce." Although we were not legally married, we lived together for four years and everything including our bank accounts (dumb move) were joint. For a long time afterward I couldn't even hear their music without bursting into tears. For awhile now I have been just fine hearing Coldplay's music... so yesterday afternoon one of my friends uploaded all the Coldplay albums to my Itunes and last night on my way home from the meeting I was listening to them. I think it put me into a funk. It still brings me right back there. It frustrates me because I really like the band, and I don't want longer than life ex to still effect my life. Maybe I just need to be gentle with myself. All things in good time.

It's funny too because when it brings me back there most of me is incredibly grateful that the relationship is over and that I have come so far. I also find it interesting that as time passes my mind hazes over all the bad stuff and seems to jump towards the good. Maybe that is called healing. I know longer miss him in the way of wanting to be together. He could come to me right now and say... I'm sober, I'm sorry, I'm a millionaire and I still wouldn't go back. One of my biggest problems is not giving myself a break. I think that when I try something I need to be perfect at it, and if I'm not than its just not worth it at all. This program is teaching me to be gentle with myself. Everyone makes mistakes... Progress, Not Perfection.

Today I am grateful for:

Friday!!!!

Sleeping late tomorrow morning

Spending time with friends tonight

my pretty new nail polish color

2 hours left of work

Choices

Today... I Will Live In The Day

I had a nice weekend. The weather was chilly, but beautiful. It's funny to me how things work out if I just let go...

I am finally feeling better. Thanks to everyone for all the well wishes and good vibes. Friday evening I decided to stay home and recuperate from my cold over the week. I was enjoying the quiet, laying on my couch with my puppy (I recently got cable and have been sort of enthralled for the last week or so) but at the same time was also looking forward to my Saturday evening plans with K1. God wanted to gently teach me a lesson in letting go. K1 called me Friday night to tell me that plans changed and he had to work Saturday night. It almost immediately put me into a tail spin. The thought of spending my entire weekend alone in my apartment almost got the better of me. It is actually a physical reaction... my body starts in on a panic attack. I stopped, took a few breathes and said to myself "K, just for today you will live in the day and not worry about tomorrow." I constantly tell myself One Day At A Time... but rarely listen to my own mantras. It worked by golly. I refused to allow myself to stress about tomorrow's plans. It made for a much more pleasant evening.

Best part was... I ended up getting together with K1 after all. We just switched things around a little and I was able to get all my laundry done on top of it. Score! I refused to make plans ahead of time and everything worked out just fine. I am one of those people that on Wednesday I am already making plans for the weekend because I am scared to death to be alone. I am learning that living one day at a time is a lot less stressful and a lot more fun. I am learning to trust God a little bit more every day. When I am constantly worrying about whats coming next I am missing out on what is in front of me.

I am also learning that my disease is never going to go away. The behaviors that took 28 years to manifest don't disappear over night. It is up to me to change the pattern. My initial reaction might be one of panic, stress and worry but I can choose trust, faith and hope in God. I am pretty sure that makes for a healthier happier life.

Today I am grateful for:

My mom

My HP

Living one day a time

Trust

Choices

A new way of life

The Light Bulb Moment

I rediscovered Alanon a little over two months ago. Some people have that light bulb moment of awareness when they realize that their lives have been affected by alchololism. I feel that I have known my whole life that I was affected and continue to be affected by the disease. I first came to Alanon as a teen. I participated in Alateen, but never grasped the full understanding of the program. It wasnt until very recently that I finally had the light bulb moment... like the sun rising out of a black sky.

I found myself at 28 years old in another failed relationship, a mediocre job and a social life revolving around the next night out or party. I decided to start living through the pain that I have been trying so hard to cover up. Life is hard, but its better than not living at all. I have no idea what I want in life. I have never actually taken the time to figure that out, but through this program I am beginning to learn what I don't want. Piece by piece... one imperfect day at a time.

I have been inspired by the people I have met and have read about over the past months. I hope and pray that through meetings, keeping this journal and my HP that one day at a time I will continue to discover me.