Memories

My father and I have had some volatile fights. Two in particular stand out in my mind. I was talking to my co-worker and good friend today and it helped me to remember. The first, and really the beginning of the end in my mind... was on Mother's day when I was about 16 or 17 years old. Traditionally Mother's Day is known for being a total disaster in my house. Something awful always happens. I was cleaning for my mom and the vacuum broke. I asked my father to fix it and of course he ignored me. As he usually did. Something just snapped inside me and I starting just screaming at him... screaming like I have never done in my life. His lack of interest just broke my heart and infuriated me that he didn't love my mom enough to even help me so I could do something nice for her. My sister came down the stairs and saw me screaming and she immediately fell to the ground and blacked out. My dad just sat there on the couch, looking at me and laughing. Laughing. It was the first time I physically raised my hand at him.

The next big fight we had was at the dinner table. I asked him to stop slurping his soup and he refused. It's funny how I look back now and see how silly the action was. It is clear that my anger was built up from all the previous experiences seething at the top just waiting to boil over. He was laughing again. Always mocking me... so I screamed (again, like I always did) and told him I hated him and 'Fuck You' and ran out of the house. It was less than 30 degrees that night with 2 feet of snow on the ground. I just left... I didn't know where I was going I just knew that I couldn't stay there. He didn't go after me. I walked 2 miles in the snow with no coat before my mom and her friend found me. I was shivering, and crying and was turning blue at that point. We never talked about it again. He never so much as mentioned it to me. What I did was wrong and disrespectful... but in my mind he never deserved any respect and quite frankly I don't think he cared. What bothers me the most about that night is my 8 year old sister at the time sat outside talking to me begging me to come back inside because she thought I was hiding in the bushes afraid. That is just so fucked up. I apologize for the foul language, but how messed up is that? What kid should have to do that? I don't remember anything happening after that... we all just pretended like it never even happened.

When I was 16 my mom decided to have an intervention for my father. We had to meet with a councilor and write letters about the things my father had done to hurt us etc. because of the drinking. The people included my mom, my two sisters, my mom's parents, my dad's father and his oldest brother. The night before the intervention we all gathered at some cheap hotel to rehearse and review for the following day. **Insert a little about me. I am tough. I am the rock. I am the one who can and will do anything that needs to be done. I am the one who makes fun of you for all your icky feelings. I don't cry (in front of people). I have a hard exterior and like to make people think that nothing ever bothers me. I set myself up for disappointment so I am never actually disappointed.** In actuality that is such a load of BS. I am super sensitive, hurt easily and internalize almost everything. We all went around the room reading our letters. I hated my father and said it out loud at every opportunity. This was my revenge. This letter of all the ways he broke me. It came time for me to read my letter. I couldn't do it. I cried so hysterically the words would not even form. The next day my mom woke my father out of a drunken stupor early in the morning. He came downstairs to all of us sitting there in a circle. He was basically forced to listen to us and he was carted off to rehab where he stayed for three days and checked himself out. He disappeared for two weeks after that. He called my mom from somewhere in South Carolina... he was soul searching. He didn't know when he was coming back.

That was not the first time he abandoned us... and it certainly wouldn't be the last.

I don't know what made me share these stories... I guess I need to just start getting them out there one day at a time.

Have a great weekend everyone. Peace and Serenity.

Today I am grateful for:

Making it through

Alanon/ACOA

God

Busy as a Bee

Thank you everyone for your well wishes. It really means a lot to me. Its nice to feel others' love and support. I thought for sure I was feeling much better but alas I have hit a brick wall this afternoon... well maybe more like a mucus wall. I know disgusting. But very true. I seem to be at a crossroads of my mental health and my physical health today. I want badly to go to my ACOA home meeting tonight, but that little voice inside of me is saying it might be smarter to go home and rest. Hopefully the Tylenol I just took will set in and I will feel well enough to head to my meeting after work.

I have a lot going on right now. All kinds of things popping around in this head of mine. I really thank everyone who listens to me and I feel like I gain peace, strength, hope and love from all of you. I have my very own built in 24 hour support group.

As you know, I am not feeling well. When I am not feeling well my patience often runs a bit thin. I have been struggling the past few days with my co-worker, who also happens to be one of my best friends from college. I use the term best lightly... because as of late I have been reexamining what friendship is as a whole. Anyway, it is a very small office (4 people). K3, myself... who is also a K might I add, J and D. D is only in the office a few times a month and J is a very active alcoholic. **** This is a total side note, but have you all noticed how many K's are in my life? It's sorta bazaar. I wonder if there is any cool reasoning behind it.**** Back to point. In the past two days I have found it difficult to deal with K3. She gets stressed at work and tends to take it out on me. I remind myself that she is not doing it to me, she is just doing it. I am sure most of her attitude is her own stress. But its still irks me. It irks me because I let myself be upset by it and it irks me because I am too chicken to say anything to her about it. I don't want her to be mad at me, I don't want the work place to be uncomfortable, I am trying to use my words wisely and calmly instead of raging (quite frankly I'm not so good at it yet) and I know that part of the reason she does it is because we are friends and she is venting. That doesn't make it fair that I feel badly asking her to take a phone call- it is her job after all. I have a "don't shoot the messenger" attitude about it. This has happened before, and last time I handled the situation poorly. I am hoping that this go around I can handle the situation like an adult. I try to be understanding. J's drinking puts a lot of extra responsibility on all of us- particularly K3. It doesn't mean I should be the punching bag though. I am trying to detach and not make any harsh rash decisions. I am trying to understand that we are both not feeling well and I just need to be a little more patient. Whoa... I already feel better.

Okay, next on the list is K2. He came over last night to watch the debate with me. I made dinner and dessert. Apple Crisp! And it was Yummy with a capital Y. K2 brought vanilla ice cream. We had a nice night, and I am doing my very best not to over-analyze and over-think every darn thing. I get so caught up in my head before you know it no one is ever able to live up to my fantasy, including myself. It brought me to thinking about why as humans we feel the need to have an answer for everything. Life is all about the end point for so many of us... at least that's how I have always lived. I am trying to appreciate the journey right now. Today, the journey isn't so bad. Yay! That Tylenol is kicking in. :) Here is a little more background on the K2 situation. He is my mom's boyfriend (of three years who is four years sober) younger brother. We have known each other for about that long, and have been close friends for over a year. Last March we decided we like one another... we still like one another. But... his issues growing up in an alcoholic family and my alcoholic family sometime make it difficult to have a healthy relationship. We dated for five months and broke up in July. The break-up was awful. Some of my most painful darkest hours to date. We didn't speak for about a month and finally got together to talk. After talking we both decided to stay friendly... besides technically we are family and we have no choice. Anyway, we have been talking a few times a week and lately seeing each other at least one a week as well. We have talked about how the two of really care for one another and not seeing each other is awful... a relationship that does not make. He has a huge fear of commitment and I have a huge fear of abandonment. We have decided to just spend time together while working our own programs. This is often extremely painful and difficult, but I am praying to God that it is His will and not my own. I have learned some valuable lessons along this journey. I am learning that you do not have to be with someone everyday or talk to someone everyday in order for them to care about you or for you to care for them. I have always thought that love is obsession. That is certainly not the case. That's all I can really get out right now about the situation.

Lastly, I would like to say out loud (or out written) that I am praying to God about a sponsor. This is on God's time, but I am willing and ready to put the work and faith in to grow in this program. I don't really know how to go about the whole thing, but I figure offering it up to God is a heck of a good start.

Everyone, Have a great night and today I am grateful for:

My voice and my freedom

ACOA/Alanon.

Tylenol.

Comebacks- specifically the Boston Red Sox

My Higher Power