My Faith Part I

This is my cool coming back to church story. I will preface it with a very short version... okay a not so very short version of why I left. Have any of you notice I like to talk a lot. People tell me that.. hmm.. I have been Catholic, Agnostic, Baptist, Non-Denominational, Evangelical and now apparently Episcopalian. Who knew? My mom grew up evangelical... holy hands, speaking in tongues the holy spirit etc. As you all may know my mom was married very young (15) and dad (17). When she and my dad moved on their own they decided, well I guess my mom decided that it is important not to force children to go to church and practice any specific religion. I think, due to childhood experiences on my mom's part she had(s) certain issues with the church, doctrines etc. -Although that is my mom's story, so I will let her tell it. I went to catholic school from the time I was in kindergarten to 6th grade. It was the best schooling in my town. Of course I wanted to fit in with the other children so I went through the act of baptism and I think even confirmation. After 6th grade I attended public school and Catholicism went out the window. In my teenage years I refuted the mere existence of God and took to exploring many spiritual beliefs. My aunt is how do I say... eccentric to say the least. She introduced me to Buddhism, Hinduism, Witchcraft, Native American Spiritualism just to name a few. Nothing fit.

When I was a junior in High School my parents were going through the toughest time in their marriage. This eventually led to divorce and one of the most difficult times in my life. My mom started participating in a non-denominational church and I met a group of kids from our local Baptist church with a really great youth group. This was a very dark time in my life and and their promise of happiness and salvation intrigued me. I dove in head first to the Baptist church. It wasn't long before I was accepting Jesus into my heart, going to church 4 times a week and preaching the good word to all that would listen. Jump to senior year of HS and my acceptance into the Art Institute of Boston (Great school if any of you know about art) and my deposit for Fall 1998. Hold the phone. This is me forfeiting my deposit and applying to Liberty University because it is not Godly for me to go to a secular school. Actually, it is not Godly for me to be an artist because it is too much of the secular world and not God's will. Fall 1998. I am now in Lynchburg, VA signing away my life for the next year. No rated R movies, no cursing of any kind, no holding hands on campus, no pants, no art...This list goes on! I have always felt that church, faith etc. is the foundation of who I am. Everything I learned as a child/teenager has prepared me to make good moral decisions in my adulthood. I had a very difficult time with the idea of taking away all of our choices right at the time we should be putting the teachings of God to practical use.

I do not wish to offend anyone, I truly believe that everyone is on their own journey, but (come on you knew there was a but) in my experience this year of my life was terrible. I feel like I was in a cult... I was not allowed to express my own feelings. I felt the hypocrisy ran rampant. God's people failed me time and time again. I felt abandoned, judged, abused, beaten and hurt. All in all the experience turned me away from not only the church, but from God. It sealed the deal on religion for me. I wanted no part of God, spirituality, a communion of people.

It is now 2008. Wow, 10 long years! 6 months ago I started going to ACOA. I have been in and out of the rooms over the years, but have never stayed long. When I came back to the Program in July I finally realized how unmanageable my life had become. I am no longer in my early 20's and can not blame my mess on just being young. I am almost 29 years old and I finally realize that its time to make some changes, time to like myself, and time to give this God thing another try. It has been a long and difficult road. Over the last several months I have taken a new perspective on God, on my spirituality... on the bible, and Jesus, and church and all the things I thought I believed. I have come to see that I was not angry at God... I was angry at the people. And people are only human. They do the best they can. With this revelation my ability to trust in God continues to grow. Three weeks ago I decided to check out the church down the street. It is Episcopalian. Although I don't agree with everything I am taking the "take what you like and leave the rest" approach. My relationship with my HP is growing and He will take care of the rest.

Okay, so I want to take some time and gather my thoughts about my new found faith. to be continued...

Today I am grateful for:

Home ACOA meeting

HP

Steps 1,2,3

The opportunity to use my Graphic Design skills at work today.

Spending Christmas with my sisters

The Christmas gift I bought my sister. She is going to love it

Prayer and Mantras that get me through the days

My mom's patience with me

Yummy tuna salad... I made some last night for dinner and had leftover today. I could eat it for wa week straight

Feeling genuinely happy this afternoon.

T.R.U.S.T.

Do they have one of those cool acronyms for the word trust? I hope so. I have been avoiding posting on my blog. Not entirely sure why... not wanting to deal with reality most likely. When I write it down then its all out there. It's alive and real.

I don't want to dedicate this whole post to K2 but I will say that we talked on Saturday. He was understanding and in agreement. He told me he admires my courage and strength for being the one to let go. Is that what I have done? Let go? Because it certainly doesn't seem like it now. I think about him all of the time. Every day on the way to my apartment I walk up the street and look for his car. The blue Xterra. My mind plays tricks on me sometimes and I think he is there... waiting for me. He never is. I wonder if missing him will ever go away. The pain right now is so acute. Mostly it is this dull ache that is always in my heart, but sometimes when I see or hear something the pain becomes so shocking that I have to take a few deep breaths. The only way I can describe it is its as if someone has knocked the wind out of me. It hurts. I love him. He loves me, he told me as much on Saturday. Something to the effect of I have loved you from the first time I met you. If that doesn't break your heart.

I know. My logical brain gets that he has so much he needs to work on. I have so much I need to work on. God is in control. I can TRUST. My heart says the opposite. My heart questions my decision. My heart says I have abandoned him. My heart says to call him. But can you abandon someone who hasn't made a commitment? I know that they are only feelings at it too shall pass... but it is difficult and I hurt. And I love him. And I need to surrender. Some moments I do.

On the other hand tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I will be spending the day with my mom and her boyfriend and my youngest sister, Little L. My mom and I are making all of the food. There will be only 4 of us with enough food for at least 20. We are Portuguese. We can't help ourselves ;) Dinner menu includes, but is not limited to deviled eggs, stuffed celery, squash soup, pear and blue cheese salad, sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes, brussel sprouts gratin, turkey and gravy, Portuguese stuffing, cranberry sauce, caramelized pearl onions and for dessert homemade apple pie and pumpkin pie with caramel topping. See... told you there would be enough for twenty. I am looking forward to spending time with Little L. I haven't seen her in awhile because she is away at college and has a new boy friend. It should be a peaceful and enjoyable holiday. Little L. is 9 years younger than me and I basically helped raiser her for as long I can remember. She is now 19 years old and I have to realize that she is no longer a child and can make her own decisions (whether I agree with them or not). I am actually looking forward to using the tools of ACOA and Alanon. A lot has changed since last Thanksgiving and I am looking forward to a more peaceful serene Kristen. My middle sister, OK lives in Germany with her husband. I am sad that she will not be here for the Thanksgiving Holiday (it's her favorite) but I am so grateful that we are going to get to spend two weeks with her and her husband in Germany and Italy over the Christmas holidays. It is going to be an amazing experience.

Here are a few pictures of the three of us. Everyone says we have the same smile. The resemblance ends there. Little L and I are totally my dads side of the family. OK is all my mom. I used to tell her she was adopted. Not very nice of me.

I am going to do my best to be grateful for all that God has bestowed upon me. There is so much. Each day it gets a little better and I constantly remind myself that I am allowed to feel my feelings. They are mine. That doesn't mean they have to consume me.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving. Peace and Serenity.

Today I am grateful for:

My amazing family

Thanksgiving feast tomorrow

Getting out of work early

Spending time with my family

A loving and trusting God

Sunny days

Home cooking

Laughing

Everyone here who supports me

A safe surgery and speedy recovery for my sister

My home and everything I have in it

Light At the End of the Tunnel

It's Wednesday already. Where has the time gone? When I was a child time used to stand still. I would complain and my mom would always tell me to wait until I got older... you will be begging for time to stand still. How true. I suppose it is in the same vain as not wanting to go to bed at night and the excitement over the mail. Today, my mail consists of bills and if I could got to bed at 7PM every night I would be happy.

I had a breakthrough this weekend. Well actually I complete act of God. K2 and I are finished. There was no drama, no excitement... just a simple decision (100% through trust in my HP). I can not see him or talk to him. It needs to be over. I am letting go and letting God. I have not shared this insight with him. God has given me a gift. It seems that our time together and our interaction with one another has slowly dwindled over the last two weeks. Originally I had wanted to have a conversation with him. Asking him to please give us another chance, but as the days have gone by I have come to a quiet acceptance within myself. I truly believe it is God taking care of me. Even saying these words out loud before were impossible. I have known for quite some time now that this was what I need to do. I have not been ready. It has been too painful. It came to a head this weekend. K2 was on vacation in Arizona for a week and when he came home we were supposed to get together. I don't want to sit here and point fingers and take his inventory, all I will say is that since his has been home it has become clear to me that I am not on his short list of priorities- and well he isn't so much on mine anymore either. We spoke last on Saturday evening. We were supposed to get together... he decided to head off for a night of drinking with his buddies and I went to a meeting. Best thing I ever did. In the meeting it all became so clear to me. I am trying to explain this but its really not coming out right. I have been so torn up about this for so long and all of a sudden the answer came to me so naturally. I cant describe it, although I don't need to because I know you all can relate. Its like God was just just there. For the first time I get it... this God thing works. I mean I know He has a plan for me. I never really believed that before.

We have not talked since that night. We did not leave things badly. We left the conversation with we would try to get together sometime this week. Its been four days now and I have not heard from him and I have not called him. This too is God working. He knows I don't have the strength to take his calls right now... its almost like K2 knows it too. We will talk at some point and hopefully even become friends. Right now I cant do that. I need time to heal and move on.

I am left with my feelings now. All the residual "stuff" that is left over from the end of this relationship. I have felt lonely, fearful, sad, angry, abandoned, hurt, resentful, disappointed in the last few days. I have also felt calm, peaceful, serene, hopeful, content and happy. I know that it is time to feel these things... and deal with them. I know it will pass and that is completely normal to mourn a death whether it is in the form of a person or a relationship. It is my job to think of one day at a time... keep myself healthy and to mind my own business. I can not let the doubt and hurt creep in. K2 doesn't matter- what matters is me and the actions I take to get better.

This is all really hard... but I finally see a light at the end of the tunnel. It is beautiful.

Today I am grateful for:

A warm home, jacket and clothes and all the sustenance I need during these cold days.

My HP, who I choose to call God.

Trust, faith, strength and courage.

Breaking old patterns and wanting to do things differently.

Sitting with my feelings, the silence and at times the pain.

Enjoy The Ride...

I am not entirely sure I made the right decision, but Barack Obama is now our new President of the United States. I pray that as a Nation we are able to come together and move forward. I am putting my trust in my HP, in our new president and in the people of the United States. I am proud that I was able to vote in the election yesterday and I am thankful that I do not have to fight for that right nor fear for my life by performing that simple task.

Congratulations to Obama and buckle your seat belts and enjoy the ride...

Today I am grateful for:

Change

My feelings

My new found motivation for the gym

A good home cooked meal

A lazy night in front of the television

To be an American

My sister

Choices

Love Doesn't Mean Leaning

I am lazy about writing today. I think it's mostly because I cant decide on what I want to say... there seems to be so much too say. I didn't write yesterday because I was feverishly reading the last 200 pages in 'A Thousand Splendid Suns,' which is a beautifully sad and inspiring novel by Khaled Hoseinni. If you have not yet read it, I absolutely recommend it.

I would first like to say I had an uncomfortable experience last night at an Alanon meeting. It was only the second time I have been to this particular meeting and it is a Beginners meeting. There was a lovely woman who qualified and then it was a pitch meeting. The gentleman chairing the meeting never asked for a spiritual time keeper. The qualifier was then left to her own devices for timing/not timing herself... and after the meeting turned to a pitch. This left me feeling awkward and a bit uncomfortable. I always get nervous about being scolded for what would be considered cross talk so I did not speak up to suggest that there be a spiritual time keeper. One of the things I love about the 12 Step Program is it's format, and I had to work hard throughout the rest of the meeting not to be distracted essentially by the rules not being followed. Looking now I see that it was a great lesson in acceptance, but at the time I have to admit it stressed me a little bit.

Onto other news... It seems that most of my recovery comes in the form of my relationships... specifically romantic relationships. I believe this is the area I have the most trouble in. I have become fairly decent with setting boundaries with my family and I feel that I am now able to set healthy boundaries in regard to my father... but my romantic life has a direct correlation with my self image, my need to please and my need to be loved. I had dinner with K2 last night. What a wonderful evening. We went for Italian and sat in a comfy little corner at the back of the restaurant. The weather here is getting chilly and it was nice to be in a warm restaurant with good food, a glass of wine and great company. K2 and I always have a great time together. I am not naive enough to think of him as my other half, but in many way the comfortable space between the two of us is something I am really coming to appreciate more and more. I think this might be one of God's lessons in this situation. I am not sure that I have ever known real intimacy with a man. I have always been quick to use my feminine prowess to get what I want. T he physical connection has always become very important to me (and although I feel physically and sexually attracted to K2) it is nice that I am not able to use that as a form of intimacy. Does that make sense? I am not sure. When K2 and I started spending time together again we both decided that a physical relationship would not be healthy for either one of us at this point. There is some hand holding and a kiss hello and goodbye but there is no longer intense physical contact between us. At times this is difficult for me. I feel that because we are not sexually intimate he must not care about me, but I am beginning to see that the lack of physical is enabling us to have true real intimacy. Maybe tomorrow everything will change and we wont be together, but for right now I am trying to learn and understand myself through the interactions with K2. I never realized how strongly I counted on these behaviors until I started changing them. We are able to talk and laugh, really listen to what each other has to say. I sometimes still think that because he does not spend the night with me he doesn't care about me and he is abandoning me. But he keeps coming back, and we keep enjoying our time together. I pray the trust continues to grow and that I am able to let go of those fears... realizing love doesn't mean obsession and consumption. It means giving myself and the other person enough room to grow and blossom, it means taking care of myself, it means caring but not taking care of....

I see the same woman on the train almost every day... and every day I cant help but stare are her huge diamond ring. And as I stare at it, I think... that's never going to happen for me. And then I have to tell myself maybe it wont. But if it doesn't... God must have something even better planned for me.

God, please help me to trust you. Please help me to listen when you speak.

Today I am grateful for:

Dinner with K2 last night

My HP

Letting go

Every day is a new day

Not always knowing the answers... not usually knowing the answers

The sun

Movie night tonight

My pumpkin :)
The fact that I don't wake up in the morning wondering if today is the day I am going to die because of wars, bombs, sickness, beating. I am free to make choices and to live my life how I want... not under tyrannical rules that only bring hate and hurt to others.

Today... I Will Live In The Day

I had a nice weekend. The weather was chilly, but beautiful. It's funny to me how things work out if I just let go...

I am finally feeling better. Thanks to everyone for all the well wishes and good vibes. Friday evening I decided to stay home and recuperate from my cold over the week. I was enjoying the quiet, laying on my couch with my puppy (I recently got cable and have been sort of enthralled for the last week or so) but at the same time was also looking forward to my Saturday evening plans with K1. God wanted to gently teach me a lesson in letting go. K1 called me Friday night to tell me that plans changed and he had to work Saturday night. It almost immediately put me into a tail spin. The thought of spending my entire weekend alone in my apartment almost got the better of me. It is actually a physical reaction... my body starts in on a panic attack. I stopped, took a few breathes and said to myself "K, just for today you will live in the day and not worry about tomorrow." I constantly tell myself One Day At A Time... but rarely listen to my own mantras. It worked by golly. I refused to allow myself to stress about tomorrow's plans. It made for a much more pleasant evening.

Best part was... I ended up getting together with K1 after all. We just switched things around a little and I was able to get all my laundry done on top of it. Score! I refused to make plans ahead of time and everything worked out just fine. I am one of those people that on Wednesday I am already making plans for the weekend because I am scared to death to be alone. I am learning that living one day at a time is a lot less stressful and a lot more fun. I am learning to trust God a little bit more every day. When I am constantly worrying about whats coming next I am missing out on what is in front of me.

I am also learning that my disease is never going to go away. The behaviors that took 28 years to manifest don't disappear over night. It is up to me to change the pattern. My initial reaction might be one of panic, stress and worry but I can choose trust, faith and hope in God. I am pretty sure that makes for a healthier happier life.

Today I am grateful for:

My mom

My HP

Living one day a time

Trust

Choices

A new way of life

Busy as a Bee

Thank you everyone for your well wishes. It really means a lot to me. Its nice to feel others' love and support. I thought for sure I was feeling much better but alas I have hit a brick wall this afternoon... well maybe more like a mucus wall. I know disgusting. But very true. I seem to be at a crossroads of my mental health and my physical health today. I want badly to go to my ACOA home meeting tonight, but that little voice inside of me is saying it might be smarter to go home and rest. Hopefully the Tylenol I just took will set in and I will feel well enough to head to my meeting after work.

I have a lot going on right now. All kinds of things popping around in this head of mine. I really thank everyone who listens to me and I feel like I gain peace, strength, hope and love from all of you. I have my very own built in 24 hour support group.

As you know, I am not feeling well. When I am not feeling well my patience often runs a bit thin. I have been struggling the past few days with my co-worker, who also happens to be one of my best friends from college. I use the term best lightly... because as of late I have been reexamining what friendship is as a whole. Anyway, it is a very small office (4 people). K3, myself... who is also a K might I add, J and D. D is only in the office a few times a month and J is a very active alcoholic. **** This is a total side note, but have you all noticed how many K's are in my life? It's sorta bazaar. I wonder if there is any cool reasoning behind it.**** Back to point. In the past two days I have found it difficult to deal with K3. She gets stressed at work and tends to take it out on me. I remind myself that she is not doing it to me, she is just doing it. I am sure most of her attitude is her own stress. But its still irks me. It irks me because I let myself be upset by it and it irks me because I am too chicken to say anything to her about it. I don't want her to be mad at me, I don't want the work place to be uncomfortable, I am trying to use my words wisely and calmly instead of raging (quite frankly I'm not so good at it yet) and I know that part of the reason she does it is because we are friends and she is venting. That doesn't make it fair that I feel badly asking her to take a phone call- it is her job after all. I have a "don't shoot the messenger" attitude about it. This has happened before, and last time I handled the situation poorly. I am hoping that this go around I can handle the situation like an adult. I try to be understanding. J's drinking puts a lot of extra responsibility on all of us- particularly K3. It doesn't mean I should be the punching bag though. I am trying to detach and not make any harsh rash decisions. I am trying to understand that we are both not feeling well and I just need to be a little more patient. Whoa... I already feel better.

Okay, next on the list is K2. He came over last night to watch the debate with me. I made dinner and dessert. Apple Crisp! And it was Yummy with a capital Y. K2 brought vanilla ice cream. We had a nice night, and I am doing my very best not to over-analyze and over-think every darn thing. I get so caught up in my head before you know it no one is ever able to live up to my fantasy, including myself. It brought me to thinking about why as humans we feel the need to have an answer for everything. Life is all about the end point for so many of us... at least that's how I have always lived. I am trying to appreciate the journey right now. Today, the journey isn't so bad. Yay! That Tylenol is kicking in. :) Here is a little more background on the K2 situation. He is my mom's boyfriend (of three years who is four years sober) younger brother. We have known each other for about that long, and have been close friends for over a year. Last March we decided we like one another... we still like one another. But... his issues growing up in an alcoholic family and my alcoholic family sometime make it difficult to have a healthy relationship. We dated for five months and broke up in July. The break-up was awful. Some of my most painful darkest hours to date. We didn't speak for about a month and finally got together to talk. After talking we both decided to stay friendly... besides technically we are family and we have no choice. Anyway, we have been talking a few times a week and lately seeing each other at least one a week as well. We have talked about how the two of really care for one another and not seeing each other is awful... a relationship that does not make. He has a huge fear of commitment and I have a huge fear of abandonment. We have decided to just spend time together while working our own programs. This is often extremely painful and difficult, but I am praying to God that it is His will and not my own. I have learned some valuable lessons along this journey. I am learning that you do not have to be with someone everyday or talk to someone everyday in order for them to care about you or for you to care for them. I have always thought that love is obsession. That is certainly not the case. That's all I can really get out right now about the situation.

Lastly, I would like to say out loud (or out written) that I am praying to God about a sponsor. This is on God's time, but I am willing and ready to put the work and faith in to grow in this program. I don't really know how to go about the whole thing, but I figure offering it up to God is a heck of a good start.

Everyone, Have a great night and today I am grateful for:

My voice and my freedom

ACOA/Alanon.

Tylenol.

Comebacks- specifically the Boston Red Sox

My Higher Power

The Elephant In the Room

Hope everyone enjoyed the weekend. It was beautiful weather here in the Tri-state area. Sunny and seventies. I am going to soak up what sun there is left... pretty soon it will be dark by 5pm.

I had a difficult weekend. Good and bad all mixed up in one bag. I had some major slips this weekend that have left me feeling sad, guilty and shameful. I am doing my best to take the good with the bad. In the last few months I have been struggling with some of my relationships. Particularly my male relationships, and more specifically two male relationships. Both exes... I am not able to completely let go and I find myself feeling hurt, sad, frustrated, angry, guilty... I have noticed I have a difficult time letting go of anything- especially people.

So, K1 and I dated about a year ago for only a brief amount of time. After the relationship ended we decided to try to be friends. Which we have done, but not without complications- sexual tensions, inappropriate boundaries, and often what feels like relationship drama. I spoke with him about the nature of our relationship and how I feel it needs to change and he agreed. Yet, I find myself in a fight with him over some ridiculous conversation we had and now he is not speaking to me. It is so unhealthy. I can see that it is unhealthy. Yet I constantly go back for more. How many times must I go through this to realize that it is less painful to lose him than to be in this constant rat race. The best part is I find myself apologizing for a situation where I am not even sure what I have done wrong. Why can't I just let go?

K2 is just as bad, if not worst because I fell in love with him and thought we would be married. Now I find myself in a quasi relationship with him... meaning he has fears of commitment so we spend limited time together, usually when it is convenient for him. I am not fooled into thinking I am not part of the problem... I am just scared to death of the solution. I am so afraid of being abandoned that I will put up with ridiculous behavior just to avoid it. And usually that just pushes people away anyway. K2 and I really care for one another, but we are both the adult children of alcoholics. We both have our own severe commitment and abandonment issues. I never know when to detach, how much to detach, how much to let go... so we are constantly in this back and forth. I try to keep telling myself that we both need to work on getting ourselves healthy, but when do you draw the line with your own recovery and trying to mend your relationship together? I mean if I wait until I am healthy to be in a relationship I am going to be single forever.

It is very difficult and painful for me to talk about K2 and I. I usually stare at the blank page not knowing where to begin. I really truly have fallen in love with him, but I am struggling with so many of my own codependency issues that I am not entirely sure where loving him ends and enmeshment begins. I am working hard to set boundaries and to be patient and to not have any expectations but most days I feel like I am failing miserably. We are open and honest with each other about our feelings and our recovery. We both agree that not talking or spending time together is very painful. We also agree that we do not want to go back to the way things were, but at this point I feel like we are in some sort of stand still. And whether the change is good or bad, something needs to happen. I try to be sensitive to his commitment fears, but that doesn't mean never bringing them up. This leaves so many unanswered questions... and they sort of become the elephant in the room. I am afraid that if I bring up the subject I am not going to get the answers I want. I need to trust God and know that he has a plan for me. A better plan than I could ever imagine for myself.

So, what do I do? I know I need to pray... I need to let God take care of this because I am not doing a good job, but it is very difficult. I find myself torn in five directions every day. I want to feel better, but part of me likes this chaos I create for myself. Obviously I am getting something out of it or I wouldn't be doing it anymore. I just repeat... Let go and let God, Let go and let God.

Today I am grateful for:

Lobster dinner tonight
My family
Alanon/ACOA

Fairy Tale Endings

I love my Thursday night ACOA meeting. I always feel connected to the group and I continue to appreciate the diversity it brings. I am also thankful for the fact that the group has many men and women similar age as me. I am constantly hopeful and grateful to hear about members who have been married for years and have found, through Alanon, a sense of happiness with themselves and their significant others...

But, it is also nice to hear other twenty-somethings like myself struggling to balance life, dating, and pondering the question "Is there someone out there for me?" One of my deepest fears is being alone. My qualifier, who is my father constantly left us growing up. He traveled for work often, and had a tendency to disappear for days and for what felt like weeks at a time. I had a wonderful mother who tried her best to make up for the disappearance of my father, but unfortunately the damage had already been done. I am so scared that I am going to die old and alone. I am also scared that the only way I will be able to be with someone is if I give myself one hundred and ten percent. I do not want to continue to lose myself in someone else. I know my HP has a plan for me and it is the best plan possible, but sometimes I lack faith. I want to find the man of my dreams (here in lies the problem) He is just that... my dream. Which means lacking reality- get married, have children, live in the perfect house... happily after. Again with the fantasy.

Growing up I didn't always understand or realize the effect my dad's absence had on me. My mom was always covering up and compensating for where my father lacked. As I get older and healthier I am beginning to see that my mom's behaviors created similar behaviors in me. I pray on a daily basis that I do not hold these behaviors against either of them. I know they did the best they could with what they had. I am trying to understand these behaviors in order to correct them and do things differently now.

My mom created a huge sense of codependency in me. In ways I am only beginning to understand. It is now time for me to accept my part in this situation... and begin to learn how to change the patterns that were so prevalent in my family of origin. I have no clever words, phrases, or funny antic dotes. I have me, turning myself over to my HP and The 12 Step Program.

So, maybe that fairy tale happy ending is possible... just not in its original form.

My goal for today is trust my HP and have faith that He has a plan for me- A much better plan than I could ever think of.

Today I am grateful for:

Another beautiful day
The Boston Red Sox
Apple picking tomorrow
My job
My HP perfect plan for me