Viele Gruesse aus Deutschland

Greetings from Germany! I just wanted to say thank you for everyone wh said prayers for me. I talked to Little L. and worked everything out. We are having so much fun here. The plane ride was long and not very much fun bu we made it safely. HP had some good lessons in Letting go of what I have no control over. Exampe: broken plane ahead of us that caused us to sit on the tarmac for 2 hours before take off. :)

It has been a wonderful visit so far. We have had very full days and the jet lag is pretty much over with. All we have done is eat good food and drink germain beer and this hot wine drink called gluehwein. It's yummy. We had traditional Bavarian German on Sunday night and last night we had potato pancakes and some yummy meat at the Christmas market. The market is really fun with beautifully contsructed houses selling food, presents and wine. Everyone gather together in the sqaure to enjoy each others company. Today we will go to happy hour in Bremen and then come home and cook dinner and decorate the Christmas tree.

It has been nice to spend time with my sisters and to be able to share with them my experience with ACOA. We read the laundry list this morning for Adult Children. We all laughed at how much we related to everything on the list.

I hope everyone has a peaceful and joyful Holiday. Thanks for all the love and support. I have a lot of Catching up to do on blogs. Peace and Serenity.

Today I am grateful for:

My trip to Germany
My family
Christmas
Good food and drink
laughing
HP
Saying what I mean and meaning what I say (most of the time)

Lots of Gratitude

Today I am grateful for a busy day at work. It helped to make the time fly by.

Today I am grateful that my mommy's present just arrived via UPS. I was getting a little worried.

Today I am grateful that my co-worker brought in leftover chicken cutlets she made for dinner last night. They were super yummy!

Today I am grateful that it is my home ACOA meeting. I am looking forward to volunteering for service again. And also I am happy that I am able to attend one last meeting before I had overseas.

Today I am grateful for one more day of work before I am lucky enough to have 2 whole weeks off.

Today I am grateful for Christmas right around the corner

Today I am grateful that I am getting better and feeling better. I find myself able to use the program more often than not. And even though sometimes it takes a little time I am able to get out of the funk that used to last for days and sometimes weeks.

Today I am grateful for a loving and all knowing God- who guides me when I let him and who still loves me even when I don't.

Today I am grateful for my friends and family who have taken the time out of their busy schedules to see me before Christmas because I will be away.

Today I am grateful that I am able to make better decisions. I am able to let go of things and give them to my Higher Power.

Today I am grateful to reconnect with old friends from my childhood through the lovely network of facebook.

Today I am grateful that K1 took me to see Neil Young on Tuesday night and it was like a spiritual experience. It was an amazing concert and brought me back so many times to my childhood. He was great and he ended his encore with a Tom Waits song and then The Beatles, A Day In the Life. Pretty rad!

Today I am grateful for all my blogging friends- for their love and support and caring.

Today I am grateful that I actually take the time to be grateful. Because for a long time I just thought the world was always supposed to revolve around me (although sometimes I still do)

Happy Happy Joy Joy

Hi Everyone! I have so much catching up to do. I have been super busy preparing for my trip to Germany. There is so much to get in order before Saturday. I have been cleaning, Christmas shopping, wrapping and catching up with friends before I leave on my two week journey. Everything here is great with me. I can't remember the last time I have said that. I feel such a peace and serenity the last week or two. It's not that I don't still have problems, but my overall attitude, practice of the program and relationship with HP has been helping me with gratitude.

Some quick updates. I had a wonderful day with my mom on Saturday. We went to the Christmas market in Union Square in NYC. We shopped and had lunch. We talked and laughed and caught up. I told her about my program and she talked about hers and what helped her in Al-Anon. We talked about family and K2. She said she has noticed that I seem to be in a better place about the situation. I agreed. I see how completely powerless I am with the situation. It makes it all easier to let go of that way. I spent Sunday home giving my puppy a hair cut and cleaning my apartment. I have noticed that I don't mind spending time along anymore. I went to church on Sunday and made a big pot of chili in the afternoon. I am starting to do things I like instead of always worrying about everyone else.

I am finished shopping and I am just waiting for the rest of my on-line purchases to show up. I started wrapping presents last night and need to think about the mountain of laundry that needs to be done in order for me to pack. I have something to do each night in order to have everything squared away for Saturday.

I helped chair a meeting yesterday afternoon and was asked to qualify when I return from Germany. I have my business meeting on Thursday at my home ACOA and plan to volunteer again for service. I am making connections in meetings and writing out my Christmas cards. Dinner tomorrow with a good friend and celebrating Christmas with my mom, her boyfriend and my youngest sister on Friday night.

God is helping me to see all the amazing things in my life and everything I have to be grateful for. Oh, and it's been snowing her in NY today. :)

Today I am grateful for:

My gratitude
HP
Holiday season
Germany- 4 days!
Everyone here in the blogo-sphere
Steps 1,2,3
SNOW
Oh, and maybe free tickets to Neil Young tonight! He has been my favorite singer since I was like 5 years old

A Pocket Full of Goodness

I am feeling unsettled and a little grumpy at the moment so I thought this would be as good a time as any to write about all the good things going on in my life right now. I read my devotional this morning in 'One Day At a Time in Al-Anon' and it talked about learning to see everything with a "fresh eye." I am so quick to point out the negatives in my life that often times I don't stop to appreciate all the happiness.

The most exciting thing going on for me right now is my trip to Europe in less than two weeks. My middle sister lives in Germany with her husband and my youngest sister and I will be flying out there in less than two weeks to visit them. We are going for two whole weeks!!! I am so excited. I have not had this much time off since college. I think it is going to be a really great trip. We leave on the 20th and don't get back until January 3rd. During the middle weekend of our vacation we are flying to Milan, Italy for four days. I have never been to Italy. It is going to be so great. I will be sure to take thousands of pictures to bore you all with when I get back. I am happy that the three of us will be together for the holiday. I am a little sad as well because this will be the first Christmas I have ever spent without my mom and I am 28 years old. I think she is sad too, but happy that the three of us will be together. My mom has her boyfriend and his family to spend the holidays with so I know she will not be alone. We will be spending Christmas eve at my sister's husbands families house. Christmas eve is the big event in Germany. We will decorate the tree, open presents and have a wonderful meal together. German tradition is to have dessert first before any other course. I thought that was silly at first but the change of pace is a lot of fun. There is a great Christmas market (P.S. that picture above is the market, cool huh) in the town my sister lives in and we will get to enjoy that for three days. We will have our own Christmas dinner the next day with just the four of us where will will exchange our own presents. We leave the day after Christmas for Italy. OK and Chatz live in North West Germany so it will be pretty cold there. I always ask her why she couldn't have chosen someplace tropical. Oh well. I am hoping to check out some museums, see some great architecture, eat some great food and drink some yummy beer. Becks is brewed in the town my sister lives. I am very much looking forward to the trip and spending time with my sisters. We are all so different, but yet in our adulthood have really (for the most part) come to accept, understand and love one another.

Another good thing, which I mentioned the other day is my fantasy football league. There are 12 of us in total and I am now in round 3 of the play offs and the only woman left. I totally love football... like don't miss a game, glued to the TV, every man's dream love football. My team name is 'Livin On A Prayer' which seems appropriate because every week I should lose but my team manages to pull it out in the end. I am a huge NE Patriots fan oh and Boston Red Sox. (I am sure I just made tons of enemies right here). But like it or not I was born and raised in NE. This is my first fantasy league and I'm pretty stoked at how well I have done and how much I have learned. I like being able to talk intelligently about the game. I really find it annoying when chics pretend to like the game in order to get a guys attention. No time for that nonsense.

Lastly, and I am almost afraid to jinx it... I have been feeling much better about K2. I still miss him, but this week has not been consumed with thoughts of him and us and what I want to be. We talked last Wednesday for awhile and I think I finally heard him for the first time. I am always so quick to hear the 'I love you' and disregard the BUT that comes after it. I finally hear the BUT and realized how absolutely powerless I am over the whole thing. That has helped immensely over the last week. I have made it my mantra for the last week to say and do steps 1,2,3 every day. Today I am powerless over alcohol, over K2, over anyone but myself. If I try to exert power over them my life will be unmanageable. Today I believe that my HP, God can restore me to sanity. Today I make the decision to turn my life and will over to you, God. I repeat this over and over whenever I need to.

And lastly, I have started going to church again. I have a really amazing HP is totally in control story about church but this post is already too long and I know a lot of you are skimming through (not that I ever do that **big grin**) Church has been good. I am taking the "take what you like and leave the rest approach" right now. It seems to be working.

Today I am grateful for:

Feeling better about my rotten mood after pointing out all the good in my life

Steps 1,2,3

HP

My upcoming vacation

Program

Having money to Christmas shop this year.. actually having money to pay all of my bills on time and not having to worry about checks bouncing

'Six Feet Under'- its totally one of the best shows ever and I can totally relate program to it all of the time

Hump day

This lovely warm weather in NYC. Lovin' it!

I Am Honest (most of the time)

I have fallen behind on my blogging and reading. I will catch up soon. I have missed everyone. So here goes. Thank you Syd for the honesty award.

Here are the rules:

I have to list 10 honest things about myself, and then pass the award on to 7 bloggers.

So here it is:

1. I have to admit that I like girly pop music- Britney Spears, Kelly Clarkson, Mandy Moore and oh yes even Paris Hilton (don't judge me).

2. I have honestly thought and considered hurting myself (without the intent of death) in order to gain some one's attention and love.

3. When I was a kid I used to think my stuffed animals had feelings. I took turns sleeping with all of them because I didn't want anyone to feel bad.

4. I was born in Riverside, RI and lived in the same house my mom was raised in from the time she was 7. We moved to Tabernacle, NJ when I was 15 and a freshman in High school. I hated my parents for taking me away from everything and everyone I loved. Today, I believe it was one of the best decisions my parents made for me.

5. I am allergic to artificial red coloring. When I was 17 I ate a red freeze pop and had an anaphylactic reaction. I was rushed to the hospital and almost went into shock. I no longer eat anything with red dye and I am supposed to always carry an eppy-pen.

6. I still look for K2's blue SUV when I am walking up my street.

7. I have webbed toes!

8. I was afraid to drive as a teenager. I did not get my licence until I was almost 19 years old. My mom made me.

9. I am not a big sweets person. Most people want dessert after a meal. I almost never crave chocolate. I would much prefer a big bowl of pasta or a plate of rice and beans.

10. I honestly believe that my father will drink until the day he dies.

Okay, I think almost everyone has received this award by now, but there may be a few of you left...

Calm Acceptance

Just For Today

Wait.What?

The Junky's Wife

Alright, I think that is all of you. Thanks so much again to everyone here. I don't think I can express in words how much all of you help me. It is so nice to know that I have so many people caring and praying for me. As you may be able to tell I am in much better spirits over the last few days. More about that tomorrow.

Today I am grateful for:

Steps 1,2,3- Daily

Powerlessness

I am the only girl left in my fantasy football league. I am seriously kicking some butt!

Busy work days

Less than two weeks until Germany and the holidays!

Warmer weather here in NY

HP

Knowing that this too shall pass... peace and acceptance

Thank You

Thank you everyone for your love and support even when and most importantly when I don't want to hear it. It can be quite difficult to face your demons. I know I have a lot of character defects I need to work on, but for today I am proud of myself for at least speaking them out loud. There was a time where I would have never recognized my need for change. Today everything seems just a little brighter. I am happy to be getting my feelings out there... working through them and actually paying attention to my feelings and thoughts. Sometimes I feel that I am complaining or that I am obsessing (usually I am). I realized it doesn't matter though. Writing in this blog is for me... and I can say whatever I damn well please. I don't need to worry about being boring, ugly, unfunny, annoying or any of the other million bad things that can pop into my head. This blog is for me and my healing. That being said I certainly hope that I am able to reach others, help others and I certainly appreciate the love and support. It is just important for me to acknowledge that I am doing this for me and my recovery.

I have never really told my story and I don't much have the patience for it today. Steve-O-roni was asking if I was AA. I am not... although that does not make me a stranger to the many members. I consider myself ACOA, Al anon-er and newly recovering (certainly not newly realized) Cody. My father is my main qualifier. He still actively drinks. My mom was my codependant inspiration. Boy, was a good learner! I have since been involved with and befriended many other alcoholics, addicts and adult children. I am only just now in the last (almost 6 months) beginning to unravel my past and begin the recovery process.

Too warn down to discuss in detail my conversation with K2 last night. All I can say is that it is bringing me one step further in the recovery process. Yesterday was bad, today is a lot better. I could not see the light at the end of the tunnel yesterday... today I can. I will go to my home ACOA meeting tonight and keep plugging along one day at a time.

Today I am grateful for:

A light at the end of the tunnel

My home ACOA

Caring and support from others

Catching up with friends

The holidays

A quick work week

This to shall pass

Thankfulness

I hope everyone had an enjoyable Thanksgiving. For those who had a difficult day it is nice to know that the time has now past and today is a new day. I experienced my most peaceful and serene Thanksgiving of my life this year. It was wonderful. Although there were a few moments of sadness my thankfulness for everything I have in my life picked me up and cradled me through the day.

It was a quiet day. It was me, my mom and her boyfriend and Little L. Everyone just sat back, relaxed and enjoyed the food and company. It was my most sober Thanksgiving. Usually, everyone in my family is drinking (because they are alcoholics) or drinking because they are trying to deal with the alcoholic. This year, we didn't even get through a bottle of wine with dinner. My mom and I did all of the cooking. It was so relaxed and enjoyable. We started early and took our time. We had dinner in courses and didn't rush through. It made the dinner that much more special. We each went around the dinner table and expressed what we are grateful for. This is a bit difficult for me because I have trouble expressing my feelings sometimes to others, but it was well worth it. The food, and the company and the peacefulness of the day was just what I needed. I had a few moments of sadness and self-pity, but mostly I was just so happy that today I can do things differently. I can change. Although it is hard at times... I do have choices.

Today I am grateful for:

A beautiful sunny day

A peaceful and happy Thanksgiving

My family

Spending time with my little sister

Kind greetings from friends, family and bloggers :)

My HP

Choices and change (even when its painful and difficult)

Encouragement from others

T.R.U.S.T.

Do they have one of those cool acronyms for the word trust? I hope so. I have been avoiding posting on my blog. Not entirely sure why... not wanting to deal with reality most likely. When I write it down then its all out there. It's alive and real.

I don't want to dedicate this whole post to K2 but I will say that we talked on Saturday. He was understanding and in agreement. He told me he admires my courage and strength for being the one to let go. Is that what I have done? Let go? Because it certainly doesn't seem like it now. I think about him all of the time. Every day on the way to my apartment I walk up the street and look for his car. The blue Xterra. My mind plays tricks on me sometimes and I think he is there... waiting for me. He never is. I wonder if missing him will ever go away. The pain right now is so acute. Mostly it is this dull ache that is always in my heart, but sometimes when I see or hear something the pain becomes so shocking that I have to take a few deep breaths. The only way I can describe it is its as if someone has knocked the wind out of me. It hurts. I love him. He loves me, he told me as much on Saturday. Something to the effect of I have loved you from the first time I met you. If that doesn't break your heart.

I know. My logical brain gets that he has so much he needs to work on. I have so much I need to work on. God is in control. I can TRUST. My heart says the opposite. My heart questions my decision. My heart says I have abandoned him. My heart says to call him. But can you abandon someone who hasn't made a commitment? I know that they are only feelings at it too shall pass... but it is difficult and I hurt. And I love him. And I need to surrender. Some moments I do.

On the other hand tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I will be spending the day with my mom and her boyfriend and my youngest sister, Little L. My mom and I are making all of the food. There will be only 4 of us with enough food for at least 20. We are Portuguese. We can't help ourselves ;) Dinner menu includes, but is not limited to deviled eggs, stuffed celery, squash soup, pear and blue cheese salad, sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes, brussel sprouts gratin, turkey and gravy, Portuguese stuffing, cranberry sauce, caramelized pearl onions and for dessert homemade apple pie and pumpkin pie with caramel topping. See... told you there would be enough for twenty. I am looking forward to spending time with Little L. I haven't seen her in awhile because she is away at college and has a new boy friend. It should be a peaceful and enjoyable holiday. Little L. is 9 years younger than me and I basically helped raiser her for as long I can remember. She is now 19 years old and I have to realize that she is no longer a child and can make her own decisions (whether I agree with them or not). I am actually looking forward to using the tools of ACOA and Alanon. A lot has changed since last Thanksgiving and I am looking forward to a more peaceful serene Kristen. My middle sister, OK lives in Germany with her husband. I am sad that she will not be here for the Thanksgiving Holiday (it's her favorite) but I am so grateful that we are going to get to spend two weeks with her and her husband in Germany and Italy over the Christmas holidays. It is going to be an amazing experience.

Here are a few pictures of the three of us. Everyone says we have the same smile. The resemblance ends there. Little L and I are totally my dads side of the family. OK is all my mom. I used to tell her she was adopted. Not very nice of me.

I am going to do my best to be grateful for all that God has bestowed upon me. There is so much. Each day it gets a little better and I constantly remind myself that I am allowed to feel my feelings. They are mine. That doesn't mean they have to consume me.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving. Peace and Serenity.

Today I am grateful for:

My amazing family

Thanksgiving feast tomorrow

Getting out of work early

Spending time with my family

A loving and trusting God

Sunny days

Home cooking

Laughing

Everyone here who supports me

A safe surgery and speedy recovery for my sister

My home and everything I have in it