Taking a Time Out

I am taking a little time out this morning to breathe and have a few moments of silence. Everythin here is great but the constant flow of people can be a litle stressful. I can tell I have not been to an Al-Anon meeting in a week. This is a little time to focus on me and talk to HP righ now. It is difficult living with 4 people when you are used to living alone. At least now I recognize that it is probably not easy for everyone else either. I recognize when I am feeling stressed and out of control. I notice I start to clean. I cleaned my sister's apartment this morning. Not such a bad outlet for my craziness. The old me would have been miserable... started yelling etc.

I constantly have to remind myself that everyone has there own way of doing and dealing with things and my way is not the right way for THEM. Overall everything here is really wonderful. We have been having a lot of fun and there have been no fights. I think it is important that we all pay attention to our bodies and not try to pack too much in all of the time. We decided to stay home and make pizza last night and I am sure that it was the right decision. We were all able to get a good nights sleep.

Here is what I am struggling with today... I just want to complain for a moment and then move on. OK's husband is slow as mollases and has poor time manangememnt. Drives me crazy. We are always late for everything. I have been doing well (and OK does the same) with just letting him do his own thing. We leave for the train and if he misses it oh well. Its Christmas Eve and I am missing my mom. I am missing my mom anyway. I am missing my apartment and my bed and my schedule. The way I do things. This has really helped with appreciating living alone too. A lot of times I complain about being single... today I am VERY grateful for that. I am hating the weather here and how everyone else in my family has straight hair but me and I feel out of place because it is always misty and rainy and grumpy. This sounds so shallow. But EVERYONE in Germany has straight here but me and I sort of feel like a freak. I just feel a disturbance in "The Force" within myself if you will. I am headng for a shower and will take a few moments to talk to God and sort things out.

Today is going to be a wonderful day and overall I am truly grateful for everything in my life. I am so lucky and today I recognize that. I am happy to be able to recognize gratitude and that I am spending the day with my sisters and her husband. I am grateful that I get to experience a German Christmas. I am grateful that even though I am thousands of miles away from home I still have a network of recovery.

Peace, Serenity and Merry Christmas!!!

Bump In The Road

I had an Al-Anon slip this morning. Right now I am feeling angry, frustrated and a little guilty. I figured I should right about it to get it out. As most of you know I leave tomorrow for my vacation. I am looking forward to the trip very much. I will be going with Little L, who is 19. She has been a source of stress for me as of late and although she is not an alcoholic I consider her one of my currentl qualifiers due to her ACOA behaviors. Honestly, she reminds me exactly of my father (the alcoholic in my household growing up) and sometimes it is very difficult for me to deal with her. She is the only one in my immediate family that does not have a program which means it requires me to work extra hard at my own program when we are together. - Also, hence the tiny bit of stress about 2 weeks in Germany with her.

She is a sophomore in college living on campus. She recently starting dating a new boyfriend and has found a new group of friends. I am happy for her but with this new life she has basically forgotten about her old life.. including family, responsibility and respect, in my opinion of course. I am doing my best to remember that she is only 19 and when I was that age I did MANY things that I wouldn't dream of doing now. It is difficult because she has always acted much older than her age. She loves to be treated like an adult but does not like the responsibilities and consequences that come with it. More recently she has stopped returning my calls, messages and texts. I have been struggling with this. I have huge issues surrounding the situation and much of it derives back to her/our childhood and my mom's lack of parenting for a time. The story is so long and complicated but basically my sister and I are 9 years apart and in a lot of ways we were raised in two totally different families. I lived with active alcoholism and my sister lived with my dad basically gone from her life. When my mom and dad finally divorced, my mom spent the next 6 years pretending like she had no kids. Unfortunately Little L was still very young and was raised by myself and no one. She spent her entire senior year living alone in our house because my mom would spend weekends at her boyfriends house 100 miles north.

That being said, that doesn't exactly jive well with my control freak co-dependant self! It drives me crazy and I have a very hard time letting go. Especially since she is the youngest and my role has always been a second mother to her. Problem is I am not her mother. And I have no right to tell her what she should and shouldn't do. I struggle A LOT! with this. So currently I have been trying to contact her about our trip to Germany and she has not returned my calls. I wanted to let her know to put money in my sisters German account so we wouldn't have to pay extra fees. (Especially since she, in my opinion used her money unwisely through out the year and now has basically nothing saved for the trip). I have still yet to get her to return my call. And ya hooo tonight we are all having our Christmas dinner. Fun times.

I was talking to my mom about it this morning. Which I need to stop doing because she is not my sponsor and she is obviously too close to the whole situation. And of course I got angry and resentful- my favorite defense tool. And of course my mom took offense which in turn made me more angry. And it turned into this whole big saga. And I was like mom this is not about you. Its about me... of course. Ha! So now I feel badly and I should have just blogged here and avoided the whole big mess. I know this post is full of expectations and judgements... I am not writing to be Al-Anon-ed to death. I am becoming aware of all the moving parts and most importantly my part in the situation. I just need some love, and prayers, support and maybe a few suggestions on how to let this garbage go so that I can enjoy my vacation because really I love my family very much and I am so grateful for all the amazing things in my life.

Tattle Tale

I haven't been to a meeting in over a week. I went to church Sunday and thought that would do the trick. It did not. I haven't been avoiding a meeting... life has just sort of gotten in the way of things this past week. The holiday, busy at work. And now it's Wednesday. Tomorrow is my home ACOA. I will not miss that. It's really amazing how fast I slip when I am not constantly surrounding myself with recovery. I need to find a sponsor. I have been dragging my feet on this. Just showing up is no longer enough.

Now I really need to tell on myself. I have been avoiding this now and its painful to write. As you all well know I continue to struggle with my relationship with K2. It is this constant source of confusion for me. Almost two weeks ago I ended communication between us. You can read "Moving Forward". Well two nights ago, in a moment of weakness I sent him a text message telling that I am not as strong as he thinks because I miss him and all of this isn't going away. I shouldn't have done it. I should have called someone (here's where sponsor would have come in handy). I should have slept on it. I didn't. He didn't text me back... Of course I was hurt I didn't hear from him and sad that he didn't immediately validate my feelings. A small part of me appreciated the fact that he was being the strong one. Well... he called last night. I was out to dinner and missed the call. As soon as I heard the missed call something inside me knew it was him. He left a message. He asked me to call him back. He said he would be busy for the next few hours and if I missed him he would call me tomorrow.

I opened a can of worms. I want to take his call. I have to go through all of this all over again now. I failed. I just don't get it. I know the drill... I know I have to let go. I know I need to accept things for the way they are... blah blah blah. I don't think anyone can say anything I don't know or haven't heard. Why do I fight it so much? I made this big declaration of moving on and moving forward and not even two weeks later I find myself in a very familiar place. I like here. I must. If I didn't I wouldn't keep coming back. Sometimes I feel like this is all so trivial. Like I have no right to be so involved in this because so many people have bigger problems than me. But I love him. I am in love with him and I just have so much pain associated with our relationship because I thought we would get married and having a loving committed relationship together. I have been in love twice in my life. My first long term boyfriend lasted 4 years. 3 years and about 360 days too long. When he broke up with me I was devastated, but I knew for sure that it was the right thing. He broke up with me because I didn't have the strength to do it myself. I don't feel that way with K2. It feels so wrong. Like its not supposed to happen this way. Ha ha... listen to me. Who am I to say what should happen. God is in control... not me. I need to get that through my thick head.

It doesn't change how I feel. I want to tell him I love you. I am in love with you. I don't want to abandon you. I am in it for the long haul. I don't want to fix you (well sometimes I do, but I'm getting better). I want to love you and be your friend. I want the same from you. I don't want you to make things better. I want you to love me. I want you to be my friend. I want you to support me in healthy ways. I want you to take care of yourself. I want to take care of myself. And I want to lovingly and appropriately take care of each other. I want you to know my true feelings about us... I don't want to be strong. I don't want to be afraid to tell you these things because of fear of rejection. I want to say that loving oneself and loving someone else is a lifelong process. You don't need to be alone until you get there. I want to cry. I miss you. I miss telling you things. I miss not having to say anything. I miss the unspoken understanding. I want you to be able to say today I need my space. And I want to trust you and give you that space. I want to accept you for who you are. I want to know that it is okay to have appropriate expectations of love, honesty and respect. That doesn't mean each of always needing to be right. It doesn't mean a ring on my finger. It doesn't mean needing you to always hold my hand. I support you. I respect your boundaries. I respect that people don't change but if there is a real desire they can compromise. I want happiness. I want happiness for you. I want for us to be able to be happy together.

Today I am grateful for:

Getting through the day

T.R.U.S.T.

Do they have one of those cool acronyms for the word trust? I hope so. I have been avoiding posting on my blog. Not entirely sure why... not wanting to deal with reality most likely. When I write it down then its all out there. It's alive and real.

I don't want to dedicate this whole post to K2 but I will say that we talked on Saturday. He was understanding and in agreement. He told me he admires my courage and strength for being the one to let go. Is that what I have done? Let go? Because it certainly doesn't seem like it now. I think about him all of the time. Every day on the way to my apartment I walk up the street and look for his car. The blue Xterra. My mind plays tricks on me sometimes and I think he is there... waiting for me. He never is. I wonder if missing him will ever go away. The pain right now is so acute. Mostly it is this dull ache that is always in my heart, but sometimes when I see or hear something the pain becomes so shocking that I have to take a few deep breaths. The only way I can describe it is its as if someone has knocked the wind out of me. It hurts. I love him. He loves me, he told me as much on Saturday. Something to the effect of I have loved you from the first time I met you. If that doesn't break your heart.

I know. My logical brain gets that he has so much he needs to work on. I have so much I need to work on. God is in control. I can TRUST. My heart says the opposite. My heart questions my decision. My heart says I have abandoned him. My heart says to call him. But can you abandon someone who hasn't made a commitment? I know that they are only feelings at it too shall pass... but it is difficult and I hurt. And I love him. And I need to surrender. Some moments I do.

On the other hand tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I will be spending the day with my mom and her boyfriend and my youngest sister, Little L. My mom and I are making all of the food. There will be only 4 of us with enough food for at least 20. We are Portuguese. We can't help ourselves ;) Dinner menu includes, but is not limited to deviled eggs, stuffed celery, squash soup, pear and blue cheese salad, sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes, brussel sprouts gratin, turkey and gravy, Portuguese stuffing, cranberry sauce, caramelized pearl onions and for dessert homemade apple pie and pumpkin pie with caramel topping. See... told you there would be enough for twenty. I am looking forward to spending time with Little L. I haven't seen her in awhile because she is away at college and has a new boy friend. It should be a peaceful and enjoyable holiday. Little L. is 9 years younger than me and I basically helped raiser her for as long I can remember. She is now 19 years old and I have to realize that she is no longer a child and can make her own decisions (whether I agree with them or not). I am actually looking forward to using the tools of ACOA and Alanon. A lot has changed since last Thanksgiving and I am looking forward to a more peaceful serene Kristen. My middle sister, OK lives in Germany with her husband. I am sad that she will not be here for the Thanksgiving Holiday (it's her favorite) but I am so grateful that we are going to get to spend two weeks with her and her husband in Germany and Italy over the Christmas holidays. It is going to be an amazing experience.

Here are a few pictures of the three of us. Everyone says we have the same smile. The resemblance ends there. Little L and I are totally my dads side of the family. OK is all my mom. I used to tell her she was adopted. Not very nice of me.

I am going to do my best to be grateful for all that God has bestowed upon me. There is so much. Each day it gets a little better and I constantly remind myself that I am allowed to feel my feelings. They are mine. That doesn't mean they have to consume me.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving. Peace and Serenity.

Today I am grateful for:

My amazing family

Thanksgiving feast tomorrow

Getting out of work early

Spending time with my family

A loving and trusting God

Sunny days

Home cooking

Laughing

Everyone here who supports me

A safe surgery and speedy recovery for my sister

My home and everything I have in it

Light At the End of the Tunnel

It's Wednesday already. Where has the time gone? When I was a child time used to stand still. I would complain and my mom would always tell me to wait until I got older... you will be begging for time to stand still. How true. I suppose it is in the same vain as not wanting to go to bed at night and the excitement over the mail. Today, my mail consists of bills and if I could got to bed at 7PM every night I would be happy.

I had a breakthrough this weekend. Well actually I complete act of God. K2 and I are finished. There was no drama, no excitement... just a simple decision (100% through trust in my HP). I can not see him or talk to him. It needs to be over. I am letting go and letting God. I have not shared this insight with him. God has given me a gift. It seems that our time together and our interaction with one another has slowly dwindled over the last two weeks. Originally I had wanted to have a conversation with him. Asking him to please give us another chance, but as the days have gone by I have come to a quiet acceptance within myself. I truly believe it is God taking care of me. Even saying these words out loud before were impossible. I have known for quite some time now that this was what I need to do. I have not been ready. It has been too painful. It came to a head this weekend. K2 was on vacation in Arizona for a week and when he came home we were supposed to get together. I don't want to sit here and point fingers and take his inventory, all I will say is that since his has been home it has become clear to me that I am not on his short list of priorities- and well he isn't so much on mine anymore either. We spoke last on Saturday evening. We were supposed to get together... he decided to head off for a night of drinking with his buddies and I went to a meeting. Best thing I ever did. In the meeting it all became so clear to me. I am trying to explain this but its really not coming out right. I have been so torn up about this for so long and all of a sudden the answer came to me so naturally. I cant describe it, although I don't need to because I know you all can relate. Its like God was just just there. For the first time I get it... this God thing works. I mean I know He has a plan for me. I never really believed that before.

We have not talked since that night. We did not leave things badly. We left the conversation with we would try to get together sometime this week. Its been four days now and I have not heard from him and I have not called him. This too is God working. He knows I don't have the strength to take his calls right now... its almost like K2 knows it too. We will talk at some point and hopefully even become friends. Right now I cant do that. I need time to heal and move on.

I am left with my feelings now. All the residual "stuff" that is left over from the end of this relationship. I have felt lonely, fearful, sad, angry, abandoned, hurt, resentful, disappointed in the last few days. I have also felt calm, peaceful, serene, hopeful, content and happy. I know that it is time to feel these things... and deal with them. I know it will pass and that is completely normal to mourn a death whether it is in the form of a person or a relationship. It is my job to think of one day at a time... keep myself healthy and to mind my own business. I can not let the doubt and hurt creep in. K2 doesn't matter- what matters is me and the actions I take to get better.

This is all really hard... but I finally see a light at the end of the tunnel. It is beautiful.

Today I am grateful for:

A warm home, jacket and clothes and all the sustenance I need during these cold days.

My HP, who I choose to call God.

Trust, faith, strength and courage.

Breaking old patterns and wanting to do things differently.

Sitting with my feelings, the silence and at times the pain.

The Three C's

I didn't cause it, I cant control it, and I cant cure it. This is my mantra for the day. What a blessing from God. I see many blessings from God lately. I am making a point to be more observant of that... seeing the glass as half full instead of empty. I called K2 today just to say hello and he was just in a very bad space. I actually thought for a minute something was really wrong (like life and death wrong-he is a detective). I was happy to hear that it was just emotional/work stuff. As soon as I heard him my first reaction was to try to fix it- do something, say something to make it better. Great news! Nothing I can do about it. If he is sad, upset etc. that is his responsibility. It has nothing to do with me. I didn't cause it, I cant control it and I certainly cant cure it. I suggested he might feel better after a meeting and I invited him out to watch the football game with us tonight and then I hung up. I didn't beg him to tell me what was wrong, I didn't ask him if it was because of me, I didn't try to make him feel better. I told him I can relate. I told him yesterday was a hard day for me so I went to a noon meeting and afterward I felt much better. I told him that I would like his company tonight. And then I told him to have a good day and I would talk to him later. That is a huge Yay! for me.

I still had the same initial thoughts. I still wanted to text him something nice and sappy after we hung up. I still had a few moments of feeling like it was all about me. But I was able to hang up on pain today. I feel much better. I will have a fun time tonight and recognize that everyone has their own feelings and everyone has a bad day(s). It is not my responsibility to step in and make everything better.

I also talked to my sister today. OK has recently started attending Adult Child meetings in Germany where she is living. It has been such a blessing. She has been feeling so much better and I can already see a difference in how she handles her daily life. I am so appreciative because it is allowing us to really understand one other on a whole new level. Areas where the both of us never could see eye to eye have now brought us closer together. I am so grateful for a family where recovery is talked about and encouraged. I am thankful for the tools of this program... and I am so happy that I am able to share them with my mom and sisters. Thank God for this program.

Today I am thankful for:

My HP

My home ACOA meeting

My sister and the continued growth of our relationship and understanding of one another.

Getting together tonight with my friends to watch the Patriots play the Jets.

One day at a time

Improvements... even if they are small

Acceptance Is Key

I voted this morning before work. And although I have my opinions on whom I think will do the best job, I feel that it is most important that American perform the act of voting. It is our right, our duty as American Citizens. Too many people have fought and continue to fight for me to have this right.

This brings me to my younger sister, Little L. She is 19 years old and this will be her first presidential election. It is no secret that Little L and I don't entirely see eye to eye politically, but I have always felt that above all else it is most important that she gets out there and does it. Honestly, throughout most of this election process I have been undecided. It wasn't until fairly recently I made up my mind. Little L made it very clear she is an Obama fan. Which is perfectly fine, but to say our conversations were heated would be an under statement.

So, Little L and I have dinner on Saturday evening. I say to her, "are you excited to be able to vote for the first time?" Her response, "I'm not voting." Honestly I was shocked and well... not very nice either. I couldn't believe that after all the conversations we have had and how important this is she would just decide not to vote. Little L says she didn't get a absentee ballot and she doesn't feel like traveling home from school. I was so disappointed. It really threw me. I had to really step back and use the program. The old me would have ridiculed her and scolded her and yelled at her for not doing it. The new me- well still had to put my two cents in but, I was able to let it go and enjoy the rest of our time together. I expressed to her how important I think it is and then let it rest. This is SO difficult for me. I always know whats best for everyone, right? That has always been my role. Learning to accept things for how they are isn't always easy.

In other news. I am having dinner with K2 this evening in his town. This is something I have not done since we broke up. I am a little nervous and anxious about the whole thing. I am taking baby steps every day towards what I know I have to do in regard to our relationship. It makes me sad and I am just not ready yet. Please keep me in your prayers- my HP will give me the strength to do what I need to do.

Today I am grateful for:

The right to vote.

To me an American Citizen

Yummy dinner

The seasonable weather

HP always knowing whats best

Love Doesn't Mean Leaning

I am lazy about writing today. I think it's mostly because I cant decide on what I want to say... there seems to be so much too say. I didn't write yesterday because I was feverishly reading the last 200 pages in 'A Thousand Splendid Suns,' which is a beautifully sad and inspiring novel by Khaled Hoseinni. If you have not yet read it, I absolutely recommend it.

I would first like to say I had an uncomfortable experience last night at an Alanon meeting. It was only the second time I have been to this particular meeting and it is a Beginners meeting. There was a lovely woman who qualified and then it was a pitch meeting. The gentleman chairing the meeting never asked for a spiritual time keeper. The qualifier was then left to her own devices for timing/not timing herself... and after the meeting turned to a pitch. This left me feeling awkward and a bit uncomfortable. I always get nervous about being scolded for what would be considered cross talk so I did not speak up to suggest that there be a spiritual time keeper. One of the things I love about the 12 Step Program is it's format, and I had to work hard throughout the rest of the meeting not to be distracted essentially by the rules not being followed. Looking now I see that it was a great lesson in acceptance, but at the time I have to admit it stressed me a little bit.

Onto other news... It seems that most of my recovery comes in the form of my relationships... specifically romantic relationships. I believe this is the area I have the most trouble in. I have become fairly decent with setting boundaries with my family and I feel that I am now able to set healthy boundaries in regard to my father... but my romantic life has a direct correlation with my self image, my need to please and my need to be loved. I had dinner with K2 last night. What a wonderful evening. We went for Italian and sat in a comfy little corner at the back of the restaurant. The weather here is getting chilly and it was nice to be in a warm restaurant with good food, a glass of wine and great company. K2 and I always have a great time together. I am not naive enough to think of him as my other half, but in many way the comfortable space between the two of us is something I am really coming to appreciate more and more. I think this might be one of God's lessons in this situation. I am not sure that I have ever known real intimacy with a man. I have always been quick to use my feminine prowess to get what I want. T he physical connection has always become very important to me (and although I feel physically and sexually attracted to K2) it is nice that I am not able to use that as a form of intimacy. Does that make sense? I am not sure. When K2 and I started spending time together again we both decided that a physical relationship would not be healthy for either one of us at this point. There is some hand holding and a kiss hello and goodbye but there is no longer intense physical contact between us. At times this is difficult for me. I feel that because we are not sexually intimate he must not care about me, but I am beginning to see that the lack of physical is enabling us to have true real intimacy. Maybe tomorrow everything will change and we wont be together, but for right now I am trying to learn and understand myself through the interactions with K2. I never realized how strongly I counted on these behaviors until I started changing them. We are able to talk and laugh, really listen to what each other has to say. I sometimes still think that because he does not spend the night with me he doesn't care about me and he is abandoning me. But he keeps coming back, and we keep enjoying our time together. I pray the trust continues to grow and that I am able to let go of those fears... realizing love doesn't mean obsession and consumption. It means giving myself and the other person enough room to grow and blossom, it means taking care of myself, it means caring but not taking care of....

I see the same woman on the train almost every day... and every day I cant help but stare are her huge diamond ring. And as I stare at it, I think... that's never going to happen for me. And then I have to tell myself maybe it wont. But if it doesn't... God must have something even better planned for me.

God, please help me to trust you. Please help me to listen when you speak.

Today I am grateful for:

Dinner with K2 last night

My HP

Letting go

Every day is a new day

Not always knowing the answers... not usually knowing the answers

The sun

Movie night tonight

My pumpkin :)
The fact that I don't wake up in the morning wondering if today is the day I am going to die because of wars, bombs, sickness, beating. I am free to make choices and to live my life how I want... not under tyrannical rules that only bring hate and hurt to others.

The Elephant In the Room

Hope everyone enjoyed the weekend. It was beautiful weather here in the Tri-state area. Sunny and seventies. I am going to soak up what sun there is left... pretty soon it will be dark by 5pm.

I had a difficult weekend. Good and bad all mixed up in one bag. I had some major slips this weekend that have left me feeling sad, guilty and shameful. I am doing my best to take the good with the bad. In the last few months I have been struggling with some of my relationships. Particularly my male relationships, and more specifically two male relationships. Both exes... I am not able to completely let go and I find myself feeling hurt, sad, frustrated, angry, guilty... I have noticed I have a difficult time letting go of anything- especially people.

So, K1 and I dated about a year ago for only a brief amount of time. After the relationship ended we decided to try to be friends. Which we have done, but not without complications- sexual tensions, inappropriate boundaries, and often what feels like relationship drama. I spoke with him about the nature of our relationship and how I feel it needs to change and he agreed. Yet, I find myself in a fight with him over some ridiculous conversation we had and now he is not speaking to me. It is so unhealthy. I can see that it is unhealthy. Yet I constantly go back for more. How many times must I go through this to realize that it is less painful to lose him than to be in this constant rat race. The best part is I find myself apologizing for a situation where I am not even sure what I have done wrong. Why can't I just let go?

K2 is just as bad, if not worst because I fell in love with him and thought we would be married. Now I find myself in a quasi relationship with him... meaning he has fears of commitment so we spend limited time together, usually when it is convenient for him. I am not fooled into thinking I am not part of the problem... I am just scared to death of the solution. I am so afraid of being abandoned that I will put up with ridiculous behavior just to avoid it. And usually that just pushes people away anyway. K2 and I really care for one another, but we are both the adult children of alcoholics. We both have our own severe commitment and abandonment issues. I never know when to detach, how much to detach, how much to let go... so we are constantly in this back and forth. I try to keep telling myself that we both need to work on getting ourselves healthy, but when do you draw the line with your own recovery and trying to mend your relationship together? I mean if I wait until I am healthy to be in a relationship I am going to be single forever.

It is very difficult and painful for me to talk about K2 and I. I usually stare at the blank page not knowing where to begin. I really truly have fallen in love with him, but I am struggling with so many of my own codependency issues that I am not entirely sure where loving him ends and enmeshment begins. I am working hard to set boundaries and to be patient and to not have any expectations but most days I feel like I am failing miserably. We are open and honest with each other about our feelings and our recovery. We both agree that not talking or spending time together is very painful. We also agree that we do not want to go back to the way things were, but at this point I feel like we are in some sort of stand still. And whether the change is good or bad, something needs to happen. I try to be sensitive to his commitment fears, but that doesn't mean never bringing them up. This leaves so many unanswered questions... and they sort of become the elephant in the room. I am afraid that if I bring up the subject I am not going to get the answers I want. I need to trust God and know that he has a plan for me. A better plan than I could ever imagine for myself.

So, what do I do? I know I need to pray... I need to let God take care of this because I am not doing a good job, but it is very difficult. I find myself torn in five directions every day. I want to feel better, but part of me likes this chaos I create for myself. Obviously I am getting something out of it or I wouldn't be doing it anymore. I just repeat... Let go and let God, Let go and let God.

Today I am grateful for:

Lobster dinner tonight
My family
Alanon/ACOA