I Am Honest (most of the time)

I have fallen behind on my blogging and reading. I will catch up soon. I have missed everyone. So here goes. Thank you Syd for the honesty award.

Here are the rules:

I have to list 10 honest things about myself, and then pass the award on to 7 bloggers.

So here it is:

1. I have to admit that I like girly pop music- Britney Spears, Kelly Clarkson, Mandy Moore and oh yes even Paris Hilton (don't judge me).

2. I have honestly thought and considered hurting myself (without the intent of death) in order to gain some one's attention and love.

3. When I was a kid I used to think my stuffed animals had feelings. I took turns sleeping with all of them because I didn't want anyone to feel bad.

4. I was born in Riverside, RI and lived in the same house my mom was raised in from the time she was 7. We moved to Tabernacle, NJ when I was 15 and a freshman in High school. I hated my parents for taking me away from everything and everyone I loved. Today, I believe it was one of the best decisions my parents made for me.

5. I am allergic to artificial red coloring. When I was 17 I ate a red freeze pop and had an anaphylactic reaction. I was rushed to the hospital and almost went into shock. I no longer eat anything with red dye and I am supposed to always carry an eppy-pen.

6. I still look for K2's blue SUV when I am walking up my street.

7. I have webbed toes!

8. I was afraid to drive as a teenager. I did not get my licence until I was almost 19 years old. My mom made me.

9. I am not a big sweets person. Most people want dessert after a meal. I almost never crave chocolate. I would much prefer a big bowl of pasta or a plate of rice and beans.

10. I honestly believe that my father will drink until the day he dies.

Okay, I think almost everyone has received this award by now, but there may be a few of you left...

Calm Acceptance

Just For Today

Wait.What?

The Junky's Wife

Alright, I think that is all of you. Thanks so much again to everyone here. I don't think I can express in words how much all of you help me. It is so nice to know that I have so many people caring and praying for me. As you may be able to tell I am in much better spirits over the last few days. More about that tomorrow.

Today I am grateful for:

Steps 1,2,3- Daily

Powerlessness

I am the only girl left in my fantasy football league. I am seriously kicking some butt!

Busy work days

Less than two weeks until Germany and the holidays!

Warmer weather here in NY

HP

Knowing that this too shall pass... peace and acceptance

Today I will be okay

Here is a great big thank you to Syd for the honesty award. That is huge for me and means I am doing something right. It is almost time for me to go but I will work on my 10 honest things over the weekend. This will be fun!

In the mean time just a thank you for everyone who has been supporting me. I feel like I have been on a seesaw this week.. and not a fun one. It means so much to me. I would like to say a great big TGIF! to everyone. Have a wonderful weekend... its gonna be brrrrrrr here in NYC this weekend. Here is a very happy and very humble and very grateful gratitude list to start my weekend.

Today I am grateful for:

Powerlessness

My HP, whom I chose to call God

Home ACOA meeting- its like my very own miracle once a week

Connecting with friends

Knowing... really knowing that I have people in my life who love and care for me

Friday! It is my favorite day of the week

Knowing that "this too shall pass"

Learning new lessons

The opportunity to spend my Christmas holiday in Germany with my two sisters

For my job (even when its boring)- and the fact that they are letting me take two whole weeks off over the holidays to go play in Europe

My family, particularly my mom and sisters. They are my heart and soul

The holiday season even if that means annoying tourists in my city

Friends

A better tomorrow

12 Steps

Working at it

All my new blogger friends who have reached out and accepted me just he way I am today

Tattle Tale

I haven't been to a meeting in over a week. I went to church Sunday and thought that would do the trick. It did not. I haven't been avoiding a meeting... life has just sort of gotten in the way of things this past week. The holiday, busy at work. And now it's Wednesday. Tomorrow is my home ACOA. I will not miss that. It's really amazing how fast I slip when I am not constantly surrounding myself with recovery. I need to find a sponsor. I have been dragging my feet on this. Just showing up is no longer enough.

Now I really need to tell on myself. I have been avoiding this now and its painful to write. As you all well know I continue to struggle with my relationship with K2. It is this constant source of confusion for me. Almost two weeks ago I ended communication between us. You can read "Moving Forward". Well two nights ago, in a moment of weakness I sent him a text message telling that I am not as strong as he thinks because I miss him and all of this isn't going away. I shouldn't have done it. I should have called someone (here's where sponsor would have come in handy). I should have slept on it. I didn't. He didn't text me back... Of course I was hurt I didn't hear from him and sad that he didn't immediately validate my feelings. A small part of me appreciated the fact that he was being the strong one. Well... he called last night. I was out to dinner and missed the call. As soon as I heard the missed call something inside me knew it was him. He left a message. He asked me to call him back. He said he would be busy for the next few hours and if I missed him he would call me tomorrow.

I opened a can of worms. I want to take his call. I have to go through all of this all over again now. I failed. I just don't get it. I know the drill... I know I have to let go. I know I need to accept things for the way they are... blah blah blah. I don't think anyone can say anything I don't know or haven't heard. Why do I fight it so much? I made this big declaration of moving on and moving forward and not even two weeks later I find myself in a very familiar place. I like here. I must. If I didn't I wouldn't keep coming back. Sometimes I feel like this is all so trivial. Like I have no right to be so involved in this because so many people have bigger problems than me. But I love him. I am in love with him and I just have so much pain associated with our relationship because I thought we would get married and having a loving committed relationship together. I have been in love twice in my life. My first long term boyfriend lasted 4 years. 3 years and about 360 days too long. When he broke up with me I was devastated, but I knew for sure that it was the right thing. He broke up with me because I didn't have the strength to do it myself. I don't feel that way with K2. It feels so wrong. Like its not supposed to happen this way. Ha ha... listen to me. Who am I to say what should happen. God is in control... not me. I need to get that through my thick head.

It doesn't change how I feel. I want to tell him I love you. I am in love with you. I don't want to abandon you. I am in it for the long haul. I don't want to fix you (well sometimes I do, but I'm getting better). I want to love you and be your friend. I want the same from you. I don't want you to make things better. I want you to love me. I want you to be my friend. I want you to support me in healthy ways. I want you to take care of yourself. I want to take care of myself. And I want to lovingly and appropriately take care of each other. I want you to know my true feelings about us... I don't want to be strong. I don't want to be afraid to tell you these things because of fear of rejection. I want to say that loving oneself and loving someone else is a lifelong process. You don't need to be alone until you get there. I want to cry. I miss you. I miss telling you things. I miss not having to say anything. I miss the unspoken understanding. I want you to be able to say today I need my space. And I want to trust you and give you that space. I want to accept you for who you are. I want to know that it is okay to have appropriate expectations of love, honesty and respect. That doesn't mean each of always needing to be right. It doesn't mean a ring on my finger. It doesn't mean needing you to always hold my hand. I support you. I respect your boundaries. I respect that people don't change but if there is a real desire they can compromise. I want happiness. I want happiness for you. I want for us to be able to be happy together.

Today I am grateful for:

Getting through the day