My Faith Part II

This is the good part. Where I finally come around. I wake up and smell the coffee if you will. I hope I didn't offend anyone with part 1. Like I said before, this is uniquely my experience. I do not claim that any church/religion is bad. Certain ones just weren't for me. That is my official disclaimer.

Since returning to Al-Anon I have been struggling to redefine my relationship with HP, as I call Him... God. I grew up in the Christian vain and at this point I do continue to believe in many of those principals. I believe God is forgiving and loving and is not the harsh punisher that I have been taught he is. I struggle with the idea that if you are gay, lesbian, Jewish etc.. you will not go to heaven. I believe that it is between me and God or you and God or whoever and God to work things out when the time comes. I know how I feel and that's all that I can control. I have a hard time with communion and the body and blood of Christ... do you get my point? I still have many questions. BUT, if I continue to pray and grow in my relationship with God all answers will come in time.

This brings me to my new Episcopal church that I have been testing out. It is only a few blocks away and they have many outreach programs in the area. I vote there and I have attended some book fairs and art shows in the space. Almost three weeks ago I gave it a go. It was a little nerve racking because I sometimes get uncomfortable when strangers come up to me and start a conversation. But, it wasn't so bad. The church has a bad, not just a choir, which I think is great because I love to sing at church. I believe that church should be fun. I like to sing, dance, clap hands. The pastor of the church is a woman. I have never heard a woman pastor speak before and it was amazing. I felt connected in a way I have never felt before. There was such an acute understanding. In her sermon she referenced art, literature, architecture and I thought that was great. I consider myself and artist (though on a long hiatus) and her connection were brilliant. Her sermon was about walking through life asleep. How many of us sleep through most of our lives and wake up one day to see how much time has been wasted. She said that there are many reasons why we sleep through life. Fear, addiction, anger etc. She referenced Alcoholism more than once and I really felt that God was speaking through her directly to me. I mean what church talks about alcoholism and drug addiction? No church I attended before. She spoke how important it is for us to be awake, to face our fears and live each day to the best of our ability. I was so moved by the sermon that last week I showed up again.

I talked to some more people and felt a little more comfortable. Her sermon this past week was about John the Baptist. According to the bible Jesus said that John the Baptist is basically as good as it gets. He was and amazing man of God, and that is because he knew two things. 1. he knew that there was a light, and that light was not him. 2. That John the Baptist knew that there was a power greater than himself. Okay, at this point I am freaking out because obviously the pastor knows all about me and wrote this sermon just for me. I was amazed. She was speaking the program to me through Gods word. Now, I am a firm believer that there are many ways to a relationship with a Higher Power. All I am saying is that for ME this was just a miracle. I spoke with the pastor after church to express my gratitude. In our talking I mentioned how I felt that the sermon was meant for me and that I am in Al-Anon etc... and she said to me, that's great. I am in Al-Anon too! How amazing is that? My pastor is in Al-Anon. And she brought me over and introduced me to some other women in the Program. What a miracle. God truly works in amazing ways when I let him.

Obviously that sealed the deal for me. I plan on attending the church regularly. I may have questions but I am certain if I continue to grow in my relationship with God and trust him all of those questions will be answered.

Today I am grateful for:

FRIDAY!

Eight days until Germany

HP

Steps 1,2,3

Miracles

Miracles on 59th Street

I was reading my daily devotion in "One Day At A Time In Alanon" this morning and the concept of miracles absolutely struck me. I am so quick to accept and expect others miracles as my own. I had to read the page four times to let it all sink in.

"One Day..." states that our alcoholic finding sobriety is absolutely a miracle, but not my miracle. What an astounding concept. I am always so quick to take everything so personally, which is actually a form of control. I feel blessed that my qualifiers no longer live in the same home as me and I am not directly effected by their drinking anymore, but I find myself in a relationship with an Adult Child and we often assume many of the same qualities of an active alcoholic. I found that replacing the word "alcoholic" with the word "adult child" helped me today to realize that I do not have the right to accept his recovery for my own. The only person's recovery I am responsible for is me.

What an empowering concept. One that takes a lot of pressure off of me and allows me to focus on myself and look at my own recovery. Alanon will help me make something of my own life. I am not responsible for the adult child's recovery.

Today's Reminder:

"The adult child member, however close to me, is the concern of his friends in ACOA. He must be left free to follow the program in his own way. If I am truly grateful, I will keep hands off."

What an important reminder. I am so quick to always be thinking about others. I must try one day at a time to keep the focus on myself and my relationship with my HP.

Today I am grateful for:

Alanon/ACOA

The beautiful weather her in the NE

My home meeting this evening

Trusting- Well trying to trust.