Playing Catch Up- Part 1

I have so much to write about and so much to catch up on. I am having difficulty finding a place to start. I have a feeling that my next few posts will be long... winding and paraphrasing from Cat.. with some short trips to crazy town. My trip to Germany was wonderful. It was full of fun, love, laughter... a little frustration and acceptance... and gratitude for my family and my home. I find myself happy to be home with a schedule, program and a sense of order.

I am going to post some pictures as well and summary of events for both all of you and myself. I was not as good at journaling as I would have liked to have been while in Europe. Little L. and I left on Saturday December 20, 2008 and arrived in Hamburg, Germany Sunday December 21, 2008. We had no weather delays but sat on the tarmac for two hours prior to our flight due to a broken plane in front of us. My trip over was how shall I say... miserable. We had two children behind us who proceeded to kick the back of our seats for the full seven and half hour flight. All bratty children aside we made it safely and I was more than happy to see my sister and her husband. I would also like to take a moment to say that for us codey's flying really is a brilliant lesson in letting go. I mean talk about the lack of control. I nearly had an anxiety attack waiting for my luggage to come. What an awful feeling that is. Sitting there watching everyone Else's luggage drop out of that little hole. All in all no lost luggage and safe trip to my sisters apartment about an hour away in a town called Bremen, Germany. It is an adorable little city with above ground trams and a river running through it. It is actually the town that Becks Beer is produced. We took a tour of the brewery the second week of our trip. The process is actually pretty cool.

***So that everyone has some clue-- I have curly hair (in most of the pictures) and I am the oldest of the three. OK is middle child and is tan (she goes tanning because its the only way she can deal with the lack of sun in North West Germany) and Little L. is obviously the youngest and the one with the incredible green eyes. Chatzy (which means honey or darling in German- and the nickname that we chose and he cant live down) is basically the only male you will see in all of the pictures. Lucky him ;)

Christmas Markets

I had never seen OK's apartment before, so it was nice to put a visual with all the explanations. They have a cute modern one bedroom about a five minute walk from the city. We had lunch, took a nap and in the evening headed out to the Christmas market. The Christmas markets in Germany are amazing. They start at the end of November and last all the way until Christmas eve. They construct houses filled with food, drink and shops. Each night everyone meets at the market to eat, drink, and enjoy time with friends and family. We spent three nights in total at the markets eating Bratwursts, potato pancakes, fried fish, chocolate and this great wine drink called Gluewhein. You heat red wine and then set flame to sugar cane and pour rum over the cane. Everything melts together to create a hot, sweet, killer of a hangover drink. Little L. and I met many of my sisters friends. A few of them, she teaches English to and they were excited to practice their skills with us. It was a nice treat for me because I was able to actually speak and understand someone. Much of the trip the four of us were only able to communicate with each other. You have no idea how tiring that gets sometimes.

German Christmas

Christmas eve we went to Chatzy's moms house. We started eating at 3PM and didn't finished until almost 10PM. I thought I might pop. It is German custom that you eat dessert first on Christmas Eve. Mama makes this delicious baked apple that she cores and fills with marzipan, raisins, sugar and nuts. There is a picture of it that above. After dessert hour we toast and chat. Then there is the cheese plate and presents. They use real candles on their Christmas trees. It is truly beautiful. The first candles are gold and then red there after. Finally, after presents comes dinner. We enjoyed a spread of Mediterranean food and happily put our traditional new pajamas on... finally crawling into bed after 11PM. Christmas morning brought another spread for brunch and then we rolled ourselves to the car in order to drive home to have our own "American Christmas" with gifts from each other and my mom. We decorated the tree, opened presents in turn, sang Christmas songs, made dinner and opened stockings. We all missed my mom very much, but we made a video of us and will send it to her to watch. It was an especially special Christmas because the three girls were together as adults. I was able to purchase special presents for each of them and it felt good to be able to spend money and not have to worry about bouncing my rent check. I feel grateful that I am finally in a place where I can give to myself and others.

American Christmas

We all chipped in to make Christmas dinner which was lamb, German dumplings, brussel sprouts and salad. We watched 'Friends' together and headed to bed at a reasonable hour because we had to catch a flight to Milan, Italy the next day. I think I will stop there for today. Italy is an interesting adventure and I think best left for another day.

My trip also included an overload on my self-esteem, a struggle to follow program in the midst of two weeks without meetings, tolerance of four adults living in a one bedroom apartment and a whole hell of a lotta time with family. I love my sisters very much, I would die for them, but let me tell you sometimes I really wanna kill them myself. It taught me acceptance and tolerance- and lack there of tolerance at some points. The trip brought out some of my best qualities and some defects that need to be changed. I have come to see that my self-dialogue with and about myself is not really so good. Now it is up to me to try to change that.

Today I am grateful for:

My family

My God

The opportunity to spend time with my sisters and to go to Europe

One day at a time

Today I will be okay

Here is a great big thank you to Syd for the honesty award. That is huge for me and means I am doing something right. It is almost time for me to go but I will work on my 10 honest things over the weekend. This will be fun!

In the mean time just a thank you for everyone who has been supporting me. I feel like I have been on a seesaw this week.. and not a fun one. It means so much to me. I would like to say a great big TGIF! to everyone. Have a wonderful weekend... its gonna be brrrrrrr here in NYC this weekend. Here is a very happy and very humble and very grateful gratitude list to start my weekend.

Today I am grateful for:

Powerlessness

My HP, whom I chose to call God

Home ACOA meeting- its like my very own miracle once a week

Connecting with friends

Knowing... really knowing that I have people in my life who love and care for me

Friday! It is my favorite day of the week

Knowing that "this too shall pass"

Learning new lessons

The opportunity to spend my Christmas holiday in Germany with my two sisters

For my job (even when its boring)- and the fact that they are letting me take two whole weeks off over the holidays to go play in Europe

My family, particularly my mom and sisters. They are my heart and soul

The holiday season even if that means annoying tourists in my city

Friends

A better tomorrow

12 Steps

Working at it

All my new blogger friends who have reached out and accepted me just he way I am today

Thank You

Thank you everyone for your love and support even when and most importantly when I don't want to hear it. It can be quite difficult to face your demons. I know I have a lot of character defects I need to work on, but for today I am proud of myself for at least speaking them out loud. There was a time where I would have never recognized my need for change. Today everything seems just a little brighter. I am happy to be getting my feelings out there... working through them and actually paying attention to my feelings and thoughts. Sometimes I feel that I am complaining or that I am obsessing (usually I am). I realized it doesn't matter though. Writing in this blog is for me... and I can say whatever I damn well please. I don't need to worry about being boring, ugly, unfunny, annoying or any of the other million bad things that can pop into my head. This blog is for me and my healing. That being said I certainly hope that I am able to reach others, help others and I certainly appreciate the love and support. It is just important for me to acknowledge that I am doing this for me and my recovery.

I have never really told my story and I don't much have the patience for it today. Steve-O-roni was asking if I was AA. I am not... although that does not make me a stranger to the many members. I consider myself ACOA, Al anon-er and newly recovering (certainly not newly realized) Cody. My father is my main qualifier. He still actively drinks. My mom was my codependant inspiration. Boy, was a good learner! I have since been involved with and befriended many other alcoholics, addicts and adult children. I am only just now in the last (almost 6 months) beginning to unravel my past and begin the recovery process.

Too warn down to discuss in detail my conversation with K2 last night. All I can say is that it is bringing me one step further in the recovery process. Yesterday was bad, today is a lot better. I could not see the light at the end of the tunnel yesterday... today I can. I will go to my home ACOA meeting tonight and keep plugging along one day at a time.

Today I am grateful for:

A light at the end of the tunnel

My home ACOA

Caring and support from others

Catching up with friends

The holidays

A quick work week

This to shall pass

Tattle Tale

I haven't been to a meeting in over a week. I went to church Sunday and thought that would do the trick. It did not. I haven't been avoiding a meeting... life has just sort of gotten in the way of things this past week. The holiday, busy at work. And now it's Wednesday. Tomorrow is my home ACOA. I will not miss that. It's really amazing how fast I slip when I am not constantly surrounding myself with recovery. I need to find a sponsor. I have been dragging my feet on this. Just showing up is no longer enough.

Now I really need to tell on myself. I have been avoiding this now and its painful to write. As you all well know I continue to struggle with my relationship with K2. It is this constant source of confusion for me. Almost two weeks ago I ended communication between us. You can read "Moving Forward". Well two nights ago, in a moment of weakness I sent him a text message telling that I am not as strong as he thinks because I miss him and all of this isn't going away. I shouldn't have done it. I should have called someone (here's where sponsor would have come in handy). I should have slept on it. I didn't. He didn't text me back... Of course I was hurt I didn't hear from him and sad that he didn't immediately validate my feelings. A small part of me appreciated the fact that he was being the strong one. Well... he called last night. I was out to dinner and missed the call. As soon as I heard the missed call something inside me knew it was him. He left a message. He asked me to call him back. He said he would be busy for the next few hours and if I missed him he would call me tomorrow.

I opened a can of worms. I want to take his call. I have to go through all of this all over again now. I failed. I just don't get it. I know the drill... I know I have to let go. I know I need to accept things for the way they are... blah blah blah. I don't think anyone can say anything I don't know or haven't heard. Why do I fight it so much? I made this big declaration of moving on and moving forward and not even two weeks later I find myself in a very familiar place. I like here. I must. If I didn't I wouldn't keep coming back. Sometimes I feel like this is all so trivial. Like I have no right to be so involved in this because so many people have bigger problems than me. But I love him. I am in love with him and I just have so much pain associated with our relationship because I thought we would get married and having a loving committed relationship together. I have been in love twice in my life. My first long term boyfriend lasted 4 years. 3 years and about 360 days too long. When he broke up with me I was devastated, but I knew for sure that it was the right thing. He broke up with me because I didn't have the strength to do it myself. I don't feel that way with K2. It feels so wrong. Like its not supposed to happen this way. Ha ha... listen to me. Who am I to say what should happen. God is in control... not me. I need to get that through my thick head.

It doesn't change how I feel. I want to tell him I love you. I am in love with you. I don't want to abandon you. I am in it for the long haul. I don't want to fix you (well sometimes I do, but I'm getting better). I want to love you and be your friend. I want the same from you. I don't want you to make things better. I want you to love me. I want you to be my friend. I want you to support me in healthy ways. I want you to take care of yourself. I want to take care of myself. And I want to lovingly and appropriately take care of each other. I want you to know my true feelings about us... I don't want to be strong. I don't want to be afraid to tell you these things because of fear of rejection. I want to say that loving oneself and loving someone else is a lifelong process. You don't need to be alone until you get there. I want to cry. I miss you. I miss telling you things. I miss not having to say anything. I miss the unspoken understanding. I want you to be able to say today I need my space. And I want to trust you and give you that space. I want to accept you for who you are. I want to know that it is okay to have appropriate expectations of love, honesty and respect. That doesn't mean each of always needing to be right. It doesn't mean a ring on my finger. It doesn't mean needing you to always hold my hand. I support you. I respect your boundaries. I respect that people don't change but if there is a real desire they can compromise. I want happiness. I want happiness for you. I want for us to be able to be happy together.

Today I am grateful for:

Getting through the day

Life's Lessons

I would like to acknowledge my anger and resentment today. They are two of my most common symptoms of this awful disease. The feelings and behaviors often creep in without me even realizing it. I have always chosen to do things the hard way. I have the attitude that I can do anything... I can do it on my own... and I can most likely do it better than you. You meaning everyone. It has always been that way.

I am the oldest of three. My father is still actively drinking and has been since I can remember. My mom was the perfect co-dependant. My mom and father were married very young. My mom was 15 and my dad was 17. They were married for 23 years. He drank for 21 of those years. Little L and I are 9 years apart. my mom was sexually molested as a child. My father is the child of an alcoholic. It is the perfect breeding ground for dysfunction. in my adult (and not so adult life) dated my own alcoholics or adult children. It truly is a vicious cycle.

Back to anger and resentment. Anger was usually my only form of communication. It played in nicely as I hit teenage-dom and associated myself as a weird-artsy-feminist-liberal-granola-bitch type. I fit nicely into the role of outcast. It allowed me to hurt without really being noticed. I have always held so much anger towards men, my father in particular. I suppose much of it has spilled out into other areas of my life. I saw my mom constantly making excuses for my father all of the time and ended up just like her. Funny how that works.

I have an overwhelming need to take care of people. If I take care of you, then maybe you will love me. But when I take care of you... I also resent you. Resent having to care take. Resent people not being able to take care of themselves. I hate asking for help. I always have. I would rather die trying than actually admit I can't do something on my own. And I resent people who can't do anything. I resent people who can actually ask for help. My mind tells me that I deserve to do everything the hard way. Punishment of sorts. I think I am always right. My way is always the best way, right? When someone doesn't do things the way that I want then it makes me angry. Anger for me is my most comfortable form of expression. Maybe its because no matter how angry I got my father never cared. He never raised his voice. He never argued. He would just sit there. He never cared. My mom used to yell a lot. Never did any good. Maybe that's why I am so comfortable with anger. I can count the times on one hand I ever saw anyone in my family cry. It just didn't happen. And when it did, it was behind closed doors. People crying still makes me uncomfortable to this day. After everything that K2 and I have been through over the last 8 months. I never once cried in front of him. I couldn't. I cried after he was gone. It has always been a sign of weakness.

My mom and I were on the phone today. We were talking about Little L. I forget how young she is sometimes. I know I was a wretch at her age. She is 19. In so many ways she is so much older than that. I have to remember what it was like to be 19. I was upset with some of her behaviors over the holiday weekend and I was discussing them with my mom. She told me that I need to be mindful of my anger and resentment. I can't expect everyone to be like me. I cant everyone to act the way I think is appropriate. I can't be resentful towards the fact that I am a care taker and Little L isn't. We are many years apart and we had very different childhoods. I shouldn't do things for others if I cant have a good attitude about it.

It upsets me that I have this anger and resentment inside of me. It upsets me that I act inappropriate sometimes. But. There is a silver lining to all of this. I didn't freak out on my mom today. I listened to her. I agreed with much of what she had to say. I acknowledged the behavior and I was able to see my part in it. I might not be able to change it all at once but at least I am not denying it. A few months ago I would have freaked out on my mom and cursed her up and down. Today I can see that this is something I need to work on... something I need to be mindful of. This is all really hard. Really really hard.

Today I am grateful for:

Being able to see someone else's side

Constructive criticism

Healing old wounds

Family

Higher Power

20 minutes left in the day

Dinner with my boss last night and his reassurance about my job

Accepting my mistakes and moving on

T.R.U.S.T.

Do they have one of those cool acronyms for the word trust? I hope so. I have been avoiding posting on my blog. Not entirely sure why... not wanting to deal with reality most likely. When I write it down then its all out there. It's alive and real.

I don't want to dedicate this whole post to K2 but I will say that we talked on Saturday. He was understanding and in agreement. He told me he admires my courage and strength for being the one to let go. Is that what I have done? Let go? Because it certainly doesn't seem like it now. I think about him all of the time. Every day on the way to my apartment I walk up the street and look for his car. The blue Xterra. My mind plays tricks on me sometimes and I think he is there... waiting for me. He never is. I wonder if missing him will ever go away. The pain right now is so acute. Mostly it is this dull ache that is always in my heart, but sometimes when I see or hear something the pain becomes so shocking that I have to take a few deep breaths. The only way I can describe it is its as if someone has knocked the wind out of me. It hurts. I love him. He loves me, he told me as much on Saturday. Something to the effect of I have loved you from the first time I met you. If that doesn't break your heart.

I know. My logical brain gets that he has so much he needs to work on. I have so much I need to work on. God is in control. I can TRUST. My heart says the opposite. My heart questions my decision. My heart says I have abandoned him. My heart says to call him. But can you abandon someone who hasn't made a commitment? I know that they are only feelings at it too shall pass... but it is difficult and I hurt. And I love him. And I need to surrender. Some moments I do.

On the other hand tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I will be spending the day with my mom and her boyfriend and my youngest sister, Little L. My mom and I are making all of the food. There will be only 4 of us with enough food for at least 20. We are Portuguese. We can't help ourselves ;) Dinner menu includes, but is not limited to deviled eggs, stuffed celery, squash soup, pear and blue cheese salad, sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes, brussel sprouts gratin, turkey and gravy, Portuguese stuffing, cranberry sauce, caramelized pearl onions and for dessert homemade apple pie and pumpkin pie with caramel topping. See... told you there would be enough for twenty. I am looking forward to spending time with Little L. I haven't seen her in awhile because she is away at college and has a new boy friend. It should be a peaceful and enjoyable holiday. Little L. is 9 years younger than me and I basically helped raiser her for as long I can remember. She is now 19 years old and I have to realize that she is no longer a child and can make her own decisions (whether I agree with them or not). I am actually looking forward to using the tools of ACOA and Alanon. A lot has changed since last Thanksgiving and I am looking forward to a more peaceful serene Kristen. My middle sister, OK lives in Germany with her husband. I am sad that she will not be here for the Thanksgiving Holiday (it's her favorite) but I am so grateful that we are going to get to spend two weeks with her and her husband in Germany and Italy over the Christmas holidays. It is going to be an amazing experience.

Here are a few pictures of the three of us. Everyone says we have the same smile. The resemblance ends there. Little L and I are totally my dads side of the family. OK is all my mom. I used to tell her she was adopted. Not very nice of me.

I am going to do my best to be grateful for all that God has bestowed upon me. There is so much. Each day it gets a little better and I constantly remind myself that I am allowed to feel my feelings. They are mine. That doesn't mean they have to consume me.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving. Peace and Serenity.

Today I am grateful for:

My amazing family

Thanksgiving feast tomorrow

Getting out of work early

Spending time with my family

A loving and trusting God

Sunny days

Home cooking

Laughing

Everyone here who supports me

A safe surgery and speedy recovery for my sister

My home and everything I have in it

Moving Forward

TGIF! It's amazing what a meeting, a decent night's sleep and some praying will do for you. I feel SO much better today. Thanks everyone for your love and support. Yesterday certainly wasn't one of my best days. It is almost time for me to start my weekend. Yay!


I text K2 yesterday evening asking him when he was available to talk. He is going to call tomorrow morning and stop by my apartment. I cant imagine it will take long, but after everything we have been through in the last months (and the fact that he is my mom's BF brother) I feel like it is important that we take the time to talk face to face. Basically, tomorrow I have to tell him that although I love him and care for him very much I cant see him anymore. It is over. I accept him for who he is, but that doesn't mean I have to accept his behaviors for my own. I can no longer be a part of this little dance. I am done looking at what could be, and I am accepting what is. With that acceptance I realize I can no longer spend time with him. I will not heal if I do. I am scared as hell to do this. Men usually break up with me. And then I let it drag on forever. Actually standing up for myself, speaking my feelings and being the one to end things scares me half to death. It will really be over. No going back. I am trusting in God. He knows what is best and I know he will help me through this difficult time. This is truly God helping me break an unhealthy pattern in my life... and although I am sad and fearful.. I have hope because I know it is truly the right thing to do.

Please send your prayers and thoughts in my direction. I am going to need them. Have a wonderful weekend and enjoy the very chilly weather (if you live in the North East).

Today I am grateful for:

Faith in my HP.
The weekend and sleeping in a bit.
Doing what I know is right.
Spending Sunday with my mom cooking and preparing for Thanksgiving.
Relaxing Friday evenings
Lots of heat in my apartment
Hope

Light At the End of the Tunnel

It's Wednesday already. Where has the time gone? When I was a child time used to stand still. I would complain and my mom would always tell me to wait until I got older... you will be begging for time to stand still. How true. I suppose it is in the same vain as not wanting to go to bed at night and the excitement over the mail. Today, my mail consists of bills and if I could got to bed at 7PM every night I would be happy.

I had a breakthrough this weekend. Well actually I complete act of God. K2 and I are finished. There was no drama, no excitement... just a simple decision (100% through trust in my HP). I can not see him or talk to him. It needs to be over. I am letting go and letting God. I have not shared this insight with him. God has given me a gift. It seems that our time together and our interaction with one another has slowly dwindled over the last two weeks. Originally I had wanted to have a conversation with him. Asking him to please give us another chance, but as the days have gone by I have come to a quiet acceptance within myself. I truly believe it is God taking care of me. Even saying these words out loud before were impossible. I have known for quite some time now that this was what I need to do. I have not been ready. It has been too painful. It came to a head this weekend. K2 was on vacation in Arizona for a week and when he came home we were supposed to get together. I don't want to sit here and point fingers and take his inventory, all I will say is that since his has been home it has become clear to me that I am not on his short list of priorities- and well he isn't so much on mine anymore either. We spoke last on Saturday evening. We were supposed to get together... he decided to head off for a night of drinking with his buddies and I went to a meeting. Best thing I ever did. In the meeting it all became so clear to me. I am trying to explain this but its really not coming out right. I have been so torn up about this for so long and all of a sudden the answer came to me so naturally. I cant describe it, although I don't need to because I know you all can relate. Its like God was just just there. For the first time I get it... this God thing works. I mean I know He has a plan for me. I never really believed that before.

We have not talked since that night. We did not leave things badly. We left the conversation with we would try to get together sometime this week. Its been four days now and I have not heard from him and I have not called him. This too is God working. He knows I don't have the strength to take his calls right now... its almost like K2 knows it too. We will talk at some point and hopefully even become friends. Right now I cant do that. I need time to heal and move on.

I am left with my feelings now. All the residual "stuff" that is left over from the end of this relationship. I have felt lonely, fearful, sad, angry, abandoned, hurt, resentful, disappointed in the last few days. I have also felt calm, peaceful, serene, hopeful, content and happy. I know that it is time to feel these things... and deal with them. I know it will pass and that is completely normal to mourn a death whether it is in the form of a person or a relationship. It is my job to think of one day at a time... keep myself healthy and to mind my own business. I can not let the doubt and hurt creep in. K2 doesn't matter- what matters is me and the actions I take to get better.

This is all really hard... but I finally see a light at the end of the tunnel. It is beautiful.

Today I am grateful for:

A warm home, jacket and clothes and all the sustenance I need during these cold days.

My HP, who I choose to call God.

Trust, faith, strength and courage.

Breaking old patterns and wanting to do things differently.

Sitting with my feelings, the silence and at times the pain.

The Three C's

I didn't cause it, I cant control it, and I cant cure it. This is my mantra for the day. What a blessing from God. I see many blessings from God lately. I am making a point to be more observant of that... seeing the glass as half full instead of empty. I called K2 today just to say hello and he was just in a very bad space. I actually thought for a minute something was really wrong (like life and death wrong-he is a detective). I was happy to hear that it was just emotional/work stuff. As soon as I heard him my first reaction was to try to fix it- do something, say something to make it better. Great news! Nothing I can do about it. If he is sad, upset etc. that is his responsibility. It has nothing to do with me. I didn't cause it, I cant control it and I certainly cant cure it. I suggested he might feel better after a meeting and I invited him out to watch the football game with us tonight and then I hung up. I didn't beg him to tell me what was wrong, I didn't ask him if it was because of me, I didn't try to make him feel better. I told him I can relate. I told him yesterday was a hard day for me so I went to a noon meeting and afterward I felt much better. I told him that I would like his company tonight. And then I told him to have a good day and I would talk to him later. That is a huge Yay! for me.

I still had the same initial thoughts. I still wanted to text him something nice and sappy after we hung up. I still had a few moments of feeling like it was all about me. But I was able to hang up on pain today. I feel much better. I will have a fun time tonight and recognize that everyone has their own feelings and everyone has a bad day(s). It is not my responsibility to step in and make everything better.

I also talked to my sister today. OK has recently started attending Adult Child meetings in Germany where she is living. It has been such a blessing. She has been feeling so much better and I can already see a difference in how she handles her daily life. I am so appreciative because it is allowing us to really understand one other on a whole new level. Areas where the both of us never could see eye to eye have now brought us closer together. I am so grateful for a family where recovery is talked about and encouraged. I am thankful for the tools of this program... and I am so happy that I am able to share them with my mom and sisters. Thank God for this program.

Today I am thankful for:

My HP

My home ACOA meeting

My sister and the continued growth of our relationship and understanding of one another.

Getting together tonight with my friends to watch the Patriots play the Jets.

One day at a time

Improvements... even if they are small

Acceptance Is Key

I voted this morning before work. And although I have my opinions on whom I think will do the best job, I feel that it is most important that American perform the act of voting. It is our right, our duty as American Citizens. Too many people have fought and continue to fight for me to have this right.

This brings me to my younger sister, Little L. She is 19 years old and this will be her first presidential election. It is no secret that Little L and I don't entirely see eye to eye politically, but I have always felt that above all else it is most important that she gets out there and does it. Honestly, throughout most of this election process I have been undecided. It wasn't until fairly recently I made up my mind. Little L made it very clear she is an Obama fan. Which is perfectly fine, but to say our conversations were heated would be an under statement.

So, Little L and I have dinner on Saturday evening. I say to her, "are you excited to be able to vote for the first time?" Her response, "I'm not voting." Honestly I was shocked and well... not very nice either. I couldn't believe that after all the conversations we have had and how important this is she would just decide not to vote. Little L says she didn't get a absentee ballot and she doesn't feel like traveling home from school. I was so disappointed. It really threw me. I had to really step back and use the program. The old me would have ridiculed her and scolded her and yelled at her for not doing it. The new me- well still had to put my two cents in but, I was able to let it go and enjoy the rest of our time together. I expressed to her how important I think it is and then let it rest. This is SO difficult for me. I always know whats best for everyone, right? That has always been my role. Learning to accept things for how they are isn't always easy.

In other news. I am having dinner with K2 this evening in his town. This is something I have not done since we broke up. I am a little nervous and anxious about the whole thing. I am taking baby steps every day towards what I know I have to do in regard to our relationship. It makes me sad and I am just not ready yet. Please keep me in your prayers- my HP will give me the strength to do what I need to do.

Today I am grateful for:

The right to vote.

To me an American Citizen

Yummy dinner

The seasonable weather

HP always knowing whats best

I Made a Boo Boo

I had a bad work experience this weekend. I am still not over it in my head. Talk about not being able to let things go. It seems better to me in my head to continue to punish myself for mistakes. Talk about a good lesson in the The Serenity Prayer.

I am an Executive Assistant for the EVP of a very large company. (So not my cup of tea if you know me at all- I have always been really artsy and lack that great attention to detail that seems to be oh so necessary when taking care of someone that basically can't even feed themselves). It was my duty to send a FedEx First overnight delivery to Big Boss's house for Saturday delivery on Friday. I do all the work- print the memos, make the packets etc., and create the FedEx slip online. All good to go. Nope! Me lacking the attention to detail I mentioned above got so stuck on the 1st over night thing that I didn't realize that 1st over night isn't available for Saturday delivery. I leave thinking everything is okay. Go out for Halloween with friends (which was lots of fun- thanks everyone for the well wishes) and didn't get home until 2AM. Saturday morning comes around and I wake up around 7AM to use the bathroom and I see on my Blackberry that there is no delivery status email. I then go straight into a panic attack and play back yesterday's events in my head. Come to think of it I never clicked the "Saturday delivery" option. Crap! Now its 7AM I have had 4 hours sleep- after a few cocktails the night before and I realize Big Boss isn't going to get his package on time. I call FedEx, all the while praying I was mistaken or perhaps they could perform a miracle. They say call back in an hour and half at 9AM when they open. This really sets me off. At this point I am begging God, reciting The Serenity Prayer over and over and pacing my apartment.

I made a mistake. No other way of getting around it. I could try to lie, but really that is going to get me nowhere. Might I add that there was a time in my life that I would have absolutely lied (coming to realize its a 4th step character defect). But, really promptly admitting my mistake and making amends was my best option. I emailed my boss stating I made a mistake and that I was going to the office to fax/email etc. everything to the other assistant to make sure he had everything he needed for Sunday's meeting. I then got up and went to the office immediately (basically to punish myself for my mistake). I say I was punishing myself because it was 9AM on a Saturday morning and the meeting wasn't until the next day at 2PM. I was faxing the memos to the Virginia office for the assistant to print on Sunday. I could have gone at any point in the day on Saturday but I felt the need to go then. I also felt the need to deny myself any breakfast or coffee. My mind was consumed with the mistake I made and I was unable to do anything else. I feel so much shame and guilt for this mistake I made. I was/still am so afraid of my boss- his reaction, his disappointment, the possibility of him yelling at me, maybe even firing me. I am projecting every bad feeling I have about myself onto this situation. And I am still doing it. I feel like such a failure. I do this kind of stuff. I don't know why. I make mistakes. Why? It doesn't seem like others do. I don't even know why I do it. I compare myself to others. Why am I so non-observant? Why don't I re-check everything again? Mistakes like that shouldn't happen. I disappoint myself. I beat myself up. I have difficulty forgiving myself. I am still fearful that I will be yelled at when Big Boss comes into the office this week. It is absolutely awful. And the worst part is that I have been beating myself up over this incident for two days now, and I still feel guilty.

What a horrible disease this is. I have been fighting off sadness and depression for a week now and this incident has not helped. I pray that by talking about it, going to meetings and trying to be gentle with myself I will be able to let this go and learn from my mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes, right?

Today I am grateful for:

Midday meetings

Alanon slogans

Poke My Eyes Out...

I have been so bored at work all week! I know I shouldn't complain because in these scary financial times I am lucky to even have a job... but sitting in front of the computer 5 days a week for 9 hours a day with nothing to do gets old very quickly. I actually think about sustaining an injury just to get out of the office. But then I always say to myself that if I am going to do that it has to be in the morning so I get to enjoy the entire 9 hours out of work. Problem being that I am not usually so bored in the mornings. It sets in around 2pm. And what good is that? I would only miss 3 hours of torture!

Now that I have my belly aching out of the way I would like to talk a little about my family. Something I haven't really done as of yet. The Original K, my 4 years younger sister lives with her husband in Germany- (Well actually I am the original K but who's really paying attention.) They are both going to grad school there and will be finished next year. OK has been living there for a few years now. She originally went her junior year of college to study and while there met her now husband in week 3 of the trip, living together in week 6, engaged in 12 months and married a little over a year now. I love him. He is wonderful. I love her. She is wonderful. BUT, she is just one ginormous stress ball. ALL of the time. Me, being the oldest growing up in an alcoholic family with a father who was often non-existent took on the role of Mom2 very early in life. Which has never really been relinquished- partly... well I suppose completely of my own accord. I still forget I have choices. I definitely set better boundaries now, but the truth of the matter is when our mom is unavailable they come to me. It would never cross their minds (I have a 9 year younger sister, L as well) to go to my father for anything. I believe I happily took on that role for many years because it fed my need of feeling wanted, important, being in control and needed. It is difficult now to see her so stressed and upset all of the time. Me, OK, L and my mom are all very close- mostly because we had to be. My father was never there, and even when he was he was drunk. He wanted nothing to do with us or my mom half the time so we became all that my mom had. We became all that any of us ever had. Friends come and go but mommy OK and L are forever.

My sister has a lot of health problems (nothing fatal but often chronic) and I can only begin to imagine the pain and frustration she must often feel. It is difficult enough to deal with life, its even more difficult to deal with life when you are always feeling crappy. I look at me just last week when I had a mere cold. Most of her healthy problems are related to allergies, asthma, intestinal issues (the lining of her intestine doesn't shed like everyone else's) and now we have just found out that her body produces an over abundance of yeast which they are afraid has spread to her intestines and stomach. Needless to say the day to day can be a bit challenging.

She called me yesterday very depressed. She has been more depressed and sad lately. And it is difficult to hear her and know that she is so far away. I know this sounds terrible, but sometimes I am thankful that she is far away because it makes it easier for me to set boundaries. I want to help her, but I also know that this is something she needs to figure out for herself. She gets so stressed over everything... even breathing. I have been struggling the last 2 days with wanting to fix things for her. She just recently found an ACOA meeting in Germany where she lives. I am so happy and encourage her to keep going even if she doesn't know why right now. Without taking her inventory I think that she is just beginning to see the effects of growing up in an alcoholic family have had on her and all of us- How unfortunately much of it has manifested in her physical well being. I feel that the more she stresses the more she gets sick and it turns into an endless cycle. I have this overwhelming need to act as her mom. This all get so huge here because my mom has been in and out of Alanon for quite a few years now and although she is currently going to meetings she has a good grasp on the program. As my mom has begun to recover, she has been able to set boundaries with us kids. In turn, OK has transferred the need for my mother to me in a lot of ways. For a long time I didn't know any better so I have enabled her to continue down this path. It scared me and worries me that by setting my own boundaries now that I will lose her.

Today I am trying to step back and realize that I can love her and support her, but I cant fix her. I still struggle with that. I can care for her, but not take care of her. I will say a prayer that her health problems are in God's hands and He knows whats best. At the same time it helps me to be grateful for all the good things in my own life.

Today I am grateful for:

My sister(s) and mom

My health

My ability to try to see the bigger picture

My home ACOA meeting tonight

My bed
Having a job to be bored at

Long distance phone calling

Small gestures

Busy as a Bee

Thank you everyone for your well wishes. It really means a lot to me. Its nice to feel others' love and support. I thought for sure I was feeling much better but alas I have hit a brick wall this afternoon... well maybe more like a mucus wall. I know disgusting. But very true. I seem to be at a crossroads of my mental health and my physical health today. I want badly to go to my ACOA home meeting tonight, but that little voice inside of me is saying it might be smarter to go home and rest. Hopefully the Tylenol I just took will set in and I will feel well enough to head to my meeting after work.

I have a lot going on right now. All kinds of things popping around in this head of mine. I really thank everyone who listens to me and I feel like I gain peace, strength, hope and love from all of you. I have my very own built in 24 hour support group.

As you know, I am not feeling well. When I am not feeling well my patience often runs a bit thin. I have been struggling the past few days with my co-worker, who also happens to be one of my best friends from college. I use the term best lightly... because as of late I have been reexamining what friendship is as a whole. Anyway, it is a very small office (4 people). K3, myself... who is also a K might I add, J and D. D is only in the office a few times a month and J is a very active alcoholic. **** This is a total side note, but have you all noticed how many K's are in my life? It's sorta bazaar. I wonder if there is any cool reasoning behind it.**** Back to point. In the past two days I have found it difficult to deal with K3. She gets stressed at work and tends to take it out on me. I remind myself that she is not doing it to me, she is just doing it. I am sure most of her attitude is her own stress. But its still irks me. It irks me because I let myself be upset by it and it irks me because I am too chicken to say anything to her about it. I don't want her to be mad at me, I don't want the work place to be uncomfortable, I am trying to use my words wisely and calmly instead of raging (quite frankly I'm not so good at it yet) and I know that part of the reason she does it is because we are friends and she is venting. That doesn't make it fair that I feel badly asking her to take a phone call- it is her job after all. I have a "don't shoot the messenger" attitude about it. This has happened before, and last time I handled the situation poorly. I am hoping that this go around I can handle the situation like an adult. I try to be understanding. J's drinking puts a lot of extra responsibility on all of us- particularly K3. It doesn't mean I should be the punching bag though. I am trying to detach and not make any harsh rash decisions. I am trying to understand that we are both not feeling well and I just need to be a little more patient. Whoa... I already feel better.

Okay, next on the list is K2. He came over last night to watch the debate with me. I made dinner and dessert. Apple Crisp! And it was Yummy with a capital Y. K2 brought vanilla ice cream. We had a nice night, and I am doing my very best not to over-analyze and over-think every darn thing. I get so caught up in my head before you know it no one is ever able to live up to my fantasy, including myself. It brought me to thinking about why as humans we feel the need to have an answer for everything. Life is all about the end point for so many of us... at least that's how I have always lived. I am trying to appreciate the journey right now. Today, the journey isn't so bad. Yay! That Tylenol is kicking in. :) Here is a little more background on the K2 situation. He is my mom's boyfriend (of three years who is four years sober) younger brother. We have known each other for about that long, and have been close friends for over a year. Last March we decided we like one another... we still like one another. But... his issues growing up in an alcoholic family and my alcoholic family sometime make it difficult to have a healthy relationship. We dated for five months and broke up in July. The break-up was awful. Some of my most painful darkest hours to date. We didn't speak for about a month and finally got together to talk. After talking we both decided to stay friendly... besides technically we are family and we have no choice. Anyway, we have been talking a few times a week and lately seeing each other at least one a week as well. We have talked about how the two of really care for one another and not seeing each other is awful... a relationship that does not make. He has a huge fear of commitment and I have a huge fear of abandonment. We have decided to just spend time together while working our own programs. This is often extremely painful and difficult, but I am praying to God that it is His will and not my own. I have learned some valuable lessons along this journey. I am learning that you do not have to be with someone everyday or talk to someone everyday in order for them to care about you or for you to care for them. I have always thought that love is obsession. That is certainly not the case. That's all I can really get out right now about the situation.

Lastly, I would like to say out loud (or out written) that I am praying to God about a sponsor. This is on God's time, but I am willing and ready to put the work and faith in to grow in this program. I don't really know how to go about the whole thing, but I figure offering it up to God is a heck of a good start.

Everyone, Have a great night and today I am grateful for:

My voice and my freedom

ACOA/Alanon.

Tylenol.

Comebacks- specifically the Boston Red Sox

My Higher Power

Attitude of Gratitude

Today I am trying my best to have an attitude of gratitude. I learned of an old friend's passing last night. It was someone who used to be like family to me, but have sense lost touch with. I feel sad, angry and grateful all at the same time.

This person is someone I spent a fair share of time with in my early 20's. He was older than me and I felt he was like a brother figure to me during that time in my life. I am the oldest of three girls... so having a positive male role model in my life was something I never fully appreciated until now. Because of family circumstances I had not spoken to this person in almost six years. There was never any specific animosity between us, but there is still much between our families.

I feel grateful today that I have my family with me and that we do not have to endure this horrible tragedy. Life truly is short and I must live everyday like it could be my last. I get so caught up with the small things in life, that often I forget to step back and appreciate all I have around me. How quickly I find fault in others or get upset over petty things. Just for today I want to appreciate with gratitude all the amazing things I have in my life.

On that note I would like to acknowledge something that I struggle with. In the ACOA Laundry list it states "ACOA’s become addicted to excitement and drama, which can give them their fix of adrenaline and the feeling of power which accompanies it. " This is difficult for me to admit, but I find myself wanting to get caught up in the drama surrounding my friend's death. It is so easy to want to stick myself in the middle of something that is really none of my business. I am praying to my HP for peace, acceptance and comfort for not only myself but for his family and friends. I need to acknowledge the tragedy and realize that I am powerless over it. The situation does not need to become a huge drama in my life today.

Today I am grateful for:

My life.

My family.

My HP watching over me and my loved ones.

Alanon/ACOA

Acceptance that just because something terrible happens, I can choose to see the good in it.

The Elephant In the Room

Hope everyone enjoyed the weekend. It was beautiful weather here in the Tri-state area. Sunny and seventies. I am going to soak up what sun there is left... pretty soon it will be dark by 5pm.

I had a difficult weekend. Good and bad all mixed up in one bag. I had some major slips this weekend that have left me feeling sad, guilty and shameful. I am doing my best to take the good with the bad. In the last few months I have been struggling with some of my relationships. Particularly my male relationships, and more specifically two male relationships. Both exes... I am not able to completely let go and I find myself feeling hurt, sad, frustrated, angry, guilty... I have noticed I have a difficult time letting go of anything- especially people.

So, K1 and I dated about a year ago for only a brief amount of time. After the relationship ended we decided to try to be friends. Which we have done, but not without complications- sexual tensions, inappropriate boundaries, and often what feels like relationship drama. I spoke with him about the nature of our relationship and how I feel it needs to change and he agreed. Yet, I find myself in a fight with him over some ridiculous conversation we had and now he is not speaking to me. It is so unhealthy. I can see that it is unhealthy. Yet I constantly go back for more. How many times must I go through this to realize that it is less painful to lose him than to be in this constant rat race. The best part is I find myself apologizing for a situation where I am not even sure what I have done wrong. Why can't I just let go?

K2 is just as bad, if not worst because I fell in love with him and thought we would be married. Now I find myself in a quasi relationship with him... meaning he has fears of commitment so we spend limited time together, usually when it is convenient for him. I am not fooled into thinking I am not part of the problem... I am just scared to death of the solution. I am so afraid of being abandoned that I will put up with ridiculous behavior just to avoid it. And usually that just pushes people away anyway. K2 and I really care for one another, but we are both the adult children of alcoholics. We both have our own severe commitment and abandonment issues. I never know when to detach, how much to detach, how much to let go... so we are constantly in this back and forth. I try to keep telling myself that we both need to work on getting ourselves healthy, but when do you draw the line with your own recovery and trying to mend your relationship together? I mean if I wait until I am healthy to be in a relationship I am going to be single forever.

It is very difficult and painful for me to talk about K2 and I. I usually stare at the blank page not knowing where to begin. I really truly have fallen in love with him, but I am struggling with so many of my own codependency issues that I am not entirely sure where loving him ends and enmeshment begins. I am working hard to set boundaries and to be patient and to not have any expectations but most days I feel like I am failing miserably. We are open and honest with each other about our feelings and our recovery. We both agree that not talking or spending time together is very painful. We also agree that we do not want to go back to the way things were, but at this point I feel like we are in some sort of stand still. And whether the change is good or bad, something needs to happen. I try to be sensitive to his commitment fears, but that doesn't mean never bringing them up. This leaves so many unanswered questions... and they sort of become the elephant in the room. I am afraid that if I bring up the subject I am not going to get the answers I want. I need to trust God and know that he has a plan for me. A better plan than I could ever imagine for myself.

So, what do I do? I know I need to pray... I need to let God take care of this because I am not doing a good job, but it is very difficult. I find myself torn in five directions every day. I want to feel better, but part of me likes this chaos I create for myself. Obviously I am getting something out of it or I wouldn't be doing it anymore. I just repeat... Let go and let God, Let go and let God.

Today I am grateful for:

Lobster dinner tonight
My family
Alanon/ACOA

Fairy Tale Endings

I love my Thursday night ACOA meeting. I always feel connected to the group and I continue to appreciate the diversity it brings. I am also thankful for the fact that the group has many men and women similar age as me. I am constantly hopeful and grateful to hear about members who have been married for years and have found, through Alanon, a sense of happiness with themselves and their significant others...

But, it is also nice to hear other twenty-somethings like myself struggling to balance life, dating, and pondering the question "Is there someone out there for me?" One of my deepest fears is being alone. My qualifier, who is my father constantly left us growing up. He traveled for work often, and had a tendency to disappear for days and for what felt like weeks at a time. I had a wonderful mother who tried her best to make up for the disappearance of my father, but unfortunately the damage had already been done. I am so scared that I am going to die old and alone. I am also scared that the only way I will be able to be with someone is if I give myself one hundred and ten percent. I do not want to continue to lose myself in someone else. I know my HP has a plan for me and it is the best plan possible, but sometimes I lack faith. I want to find the man of my dreams (here in lies the problem) He is just that... my dream. Which means lacking reality- get married, have children, live in the perfect house... happily after. Again with the fantasy.

Growing up I didn't always understand or realize the effect my dad's absence had on me. My mom was always covering up and compensating for where my father lacked. As I get older and healthier I am beginning to see that my mom's behaviors created similar behaviors in me. I pray on a daily basis that I do not hold these behaviors against either of them. I know they did the best they could with what they had. I am trying to understand these behaviors in order to correct them and do things differently now.

My mom created a huge sense of codependency in me. In ways I am only beginning to understand. It is now time for me to accept my part in this situation... and begin to learn how to change the patterns that were so prevalent in my family of origin. I have no clever words, phrases, or funny antic dotes. I have me, turning myself over to my HP and The 12 Step Program.

So, maybe that fairy tale happy ending is possible... just not in its original form.

My goal for today is trust my HP and have faith that He has a plan for me- A much better plan than I could ever think of.

Today I am grateful for:

Another beautiful day
The Boston Red Sox
Apple picking tomorrow
My job
My HP perfect plan for me

Recycling Is Not Relapsing

I had a breakthrough this past weekend. It all started on Thursday evening at my home meeting. I was sharing on awareness and how I feel stuck in seeing the problem but not being able to take action. After I shared I heard someone speak of "The Three A's" in Alanon. Awareness, Acceptance, Action. I soon realized the reason no action was able to occur was because I haven't been doing a whole lot of accepting. Something I find myself only intermittently good at.

On my subway ride home my HP thought a lesson in acceptance would be humbling and important for me. I left my meeting a touch early to meet a friend and was feeling a little anxious over getting there on time. We were about to pull into the station when the train stopped completely. I waited just outside the station for close to 30 minutes. Boy, was I upset at first. I couldn't quite understand why on the one evening I had to be somewhere the train was not working properly. I sat back, said the Serenity Prayer a few times and accepted the fact that there was nothing I could do and that my friend would be okay without me for a few minutes.

What a huge lesson and blessing for me. I truly believe that it gave me the acceptance and power I needed to make a big decision for myself over this past weekend. I have been struggling with a relationship in my life for the past months... but very specifically the past few weeks. I know that it is not healthy for me, but was having difficulty letting go and accepting that it cant stay the way it has been. I had the courage to set boundaries this weekend and explain to the person that things need to change and I refuse to go on with how things have been.

Which brings me to recycling not relapsing. I have been doing a lot of recovery reading lately and I often feel like I am taking one step forward and two steps back. I found a different perspective yesterday. taking one step back is perfectly normal and necessary to help me see where I don't want to go again. Relapse is defined as a slip, or to fall back into a former condition... but to recycle means to recover or to pass through again for a checking or treating. Hearing those words gave me faith that my struggles are not in vain and they are just one important part of my recovery. Sometimes it takes more than one try before I get things right. I have been fighting the fear of letting go, of giving in and seeing that change isn't always bad. Parts of me want to run back to how they used to be... but how they used to be isn't always good, its just what I know. I am realizing that I need to feel the fear, loneliness, anxiety and own it before I can truly move forward.

Today I am grateful for:

Alanon and ACOA

Awareness, Acceptance, Action

My HP

Trusting myself and my HP in the decisions I make

Recycling... it does a body good.