Lots of Gratitude

Today I am grateful for a busy day at work. It helped to make the time fly by.

Today I am grateful that my mommy's present just arrived via UPS. I was getting a little worried.

Today I am grateful that my co-worker brought in leftover chicken cutlets she made for dinner last night. They were super yummy!

Today I am grateful that it is my home ACOA meeting. I am looking forward to volunteering for service again. And also I am happy that I am able to attend one last meeting before I had overseas.

Today I am grateful for one more day of work before I am lucky enough to have 2 whole weeks off.

Today I am grateful for Christmas right around the corner

Today I am grateful that I am getting better and feeling better. I find myself able to use the program more often than not. And even though sometimes it takes a little time I am able to get out of the funk that used to last for days and sometimes weeks.

Today I am grateful for a loving and all knowing God- who guides me when I let him and who still loves me even when I don't.

Today I am grateful for my friends and family who have taken the time out of their busy schedules to see me before Christmas because I will be away.

Today I am grateful that I am able to make better decisions. I am able to let go of things and give them to my Higher Power.

Today I am grateful to reconnect with old friends from my childhood through the lovely network of facebook.

Today I am grateful that K1 took me to see Neil Young on Tuesday night and it was like a spiritual experience. It was an amazing concert and brought me back so many times to my childhood. He was great and he ended his encore with a Tom Waits song and then The Beatles, A Day In the Life. Pretty rad!

Today I am grateful for all my blogging friends- for their love and support and caring.

Today I am grateful that I actually take the time to be grateful. Because for a long time I just thought the world was always supposed to revolve around me (although sometimes I still do)

My Faith Part II

This is the good part. Where I finally come around. I wake up and smell the coffee if you will. I hope I didn't offend anyone with part 1. Like I said before, this is uniquely my experience. I do not claim that any church/religion is bad. Certain ones just weren't for me. That is my official disclaimer.

Since returning to Al-Anon I have been struggling to redefine my relationship with HP, as I call Him... God. I grew up in the Christian vain and at this point I do continue to believe in many of those principals. I believe God is forgiving and loving and is not the harsh punisher that I have been taught he is. I struggle with the idea that if you are gay, lesbian, Jewish etc.. you will not go to heaven. I believe that it is between me and God or you and God or whoever and God to work things out when the time comes. I know how I feel and that's all that I can control. I have a hard time with communion and the body and blood of Christ... do you get my point? I still have many questions. BUT, if I continue to pray and grow in my relationship with God all answers will come in time.

This brings me to my new Episcopal church that I have been testing out. It is only a few blocks away and they have many outreach programs in the area. I vote there and I have attended some book fairs and art shows in the space. Almost three weeks ago I gave it a go. It was a little nerve racking because I sometimes get uncomfortable when strangers come up to me and start a conversation. But, it wasn't so bad. The church has a bad, not just a choir, which I think is great because I love to sing at church. I believe that church should be fun. I like to sing, dance, clap hands. The pastor of the church is a woman. I have never heard a woman pastor speak before and it was amazing. I felt connected in a way I have never felt before. There was such an acute understanding. In her sermon she referenced art, literature, architecture and I thought that was great. I consider myself and artist (though on a long hiatus) and her connection were brilliant. Her sermon was about walking through life asleep. How many of us sleep through most of our lives and wake up one day to see how much time has been wasted. She said that there are many reasons why we sleep through life. Fear, addiction, anger etc. She referenced Alcoholism more than once and I really felt that God was speaking through her directly to me. I mean what church talks about alcoholism and drug addiction? No church I attended before. She spoke how important it is for us to be awake, to face our fears and live each day to the best of our ability. I was so moved by the sermon that last week I showed up again.

I talked to some more people and felt a little more comfortable. Her sermon this past week was about John the Baptist. According to the bible Jesus said that John the Baptist is basically as good as it gets. He was and amazing man of God, and that is because he knew two things. 1. he knew that there was a light, and that light was not him. 2. That John the Baptist knew that there was a power greater than himself. Okay, at this point I am freaking out because obviously the pastor knows all about me and wrote this sermon just for me. I was amazed. She was speaking the program to me through Gods word. Now, I am a firm believer that there are many ways to a relationship with a Higher Power. All I am saying is that for ME this was just a miracle. I spoke with the pastor after church to express my gratitude. In our talking I mentioned how I felt that the sermon was meant for me and that I am in Al-Anon etc... and she said to me, that's great. I am in Al-Anon too! How amazing is that? My pastor is in Al-Anon. And she brought me over and introduced me to some other women in the Program. What a miracle. God truly works in amazing ways when I let him.

Obviously that sealed the deal for me. I plan on attending the church regularly. I may have questions but I am certain if I continue to grow in my relationship with God and trust him all of those questions will be answered.

Today I am grateful for:

FRIDAY!

Eight days until Germany

HP

Steps 1,2,3

Miracles

My Faith Part I

This is my cool coming back to church story. I will preface it with a very short version... okay a not so very short version of why I left. Have any of you notice I like to talk a lot. People tell me that.. hmm.. I have been Catholic, Agnostic, Baptist, Non-Denominational, Evangelical and now apparently Episcopalian. Who knew? My mom grew up evangelical... holy hands, speaking in tongues the holy spirit etc. As you all may know my mom was married very young (15) and dad (17). When she and my dad moved on their own they decided, well I guess my mom decided that it is important not to force children to go to church and practice any specific religion. I think, due to childhood experiences on my mom's part she had(s) certain issues with the church, doctrines etc. -Although that is my mom's story, so I will let her tell it. I went to catholic school from the time I was in kindergarten to 6th grade. It was the best schooling in my town. Of course I wanted to fit in with the other children so I went through the act of baptism and I think even confirmation. After 6th grade I attended public school and Catholicism went out the window. In my teenage years I refuted the mere existence of God and took to exploring many spiritual beliefs. My aunt is how do I say... eccentric to say the least. She introduced me to Buddhism, Hinduism, Witchcraft, Native American Spiritualism just to name a few. Nothing fit.

When I was a junior in High School my parents were going through the toughest time in their marriage. This eventually led to divorce and one of the most difficult times in my life. My mom started participating in a non-denominational church and I met a group of kids from our local Baptist church with a really great youth group. This was a very dark time in my life and and their promise of happiness and salvation intrigued me. I dove in head first to the Baptist church. It wasn't long before I was accepting Jesus into my heart, going to church 4 times a week and preaching the good word to all that would listen. Jump to senior year of HS and my acceptance into the Art Institute of Boston (Great school if any of you know about art) and my deposit for Fall 1998. Hold the phone. This is me forfeiting my deposit and applying to Liberty University because it is not Godly for me to go to a secular school. Actually, it is not Godly for me to be an artist because it is too much of the secular world and not God's will. Fall 1998. I am now in Lynchburg, VA signing away my life for the next year. No rated R movies, no cursing of any kind, no holding hands on campus, no pants, no art...This list goes on! I have always felt that church, faith etc. is the foundation of who I am. Everything I learned as a child/teenager has prepared me to make good moral decisions in my adulthood. I had a very difficult time with the idea of taking away all of our choices right at the time we should be putting the teachings of God to practical use.

I do not wish to offend anyone, I truly believe that everyone is on their own journey, but (come on you knew there was a but) in my experience this year of my life was terrible. I feel like I was in a cult... I was not allowed to express my own feelings. I felt the hypocrisy ran rampant. God's people failed me time and time again. I felt abandoned, judged, abused, beaten and hurt. All in all the experience turned me away from not only the church, but from God. It sealed the deal on religion for me. I wanted no part of God, spirituality, a communion of people.

It is now 2008. Wow, 10 long years! 6 months ago I started going to ACOA. I have been in and out of the rooms over the years, but have never stayed long. When I came back to the Program in July I finally realized how unmanageable my life had become. I am no longer in my early 20's and can not blame my mess on just being young. I am almost 29 years old and I finally realize that its time to make some changes, time to like myself, and time to give this God thing another try. It has been a long and difficult road. Over the last several months I have taken a new perspective on God, on my spirituality... on the bible, and Jesus, and church and all the things I thought I believed. I have come to see that I was not angry at God... I was angry at the people. And people are only human. They do the best they can. With this revelation my ability to trust in God continues to grow. Three weeks ago I decided to check out the church down the street. It is Episcopalian. Although I don't agree with everything I am taking the "take what you like and leave the rest" approach. My relationship with my HP is growing and He will take care of the rest.

Okay, so I want to take some time and gather my thoughts about my new found faith. to be continued...

Today I am grateful for:

Home ACOA meeting

HP

Steps 1,2,3

The opportunity to use my Graphic Design skills at work today.

Spending Christmas with my sisters

The Christmas gift I bought my sister. She is going to love it

Prayer and Mantras that get me through the days

My mom's patience with me

Yummy tuna salad... I made some last night for dinner and had leftover today. I could eat it for wa week straight

Feeling genuinely happy this afternoon.

A Pocket Full of Goodness

I am feeling unsettled and a little grumpy at the moment so I thought this would be as good a time as any to write about all the good things going on in my life right now. I read my devotional this morning in 'One Day At a Time in Al-Anon' and it talked about learning to see everything with a "fresh eye." I am so quick to point out the negatives in my life that often times I don't stop to appreciate all the happiness.

The most exciting thing going on for me right now is my trip to Europe in less than two weeks. My middle sister lives in Germany with her husband and my youngest sister and I will be flying out there in less than two weeks to visit them. We are going for two whole weeks!!! I am so excited. I have not had this much time off since college. I think it is going to be a really great trip. We leave on the 20th and don't get back until January 3rd. During the middle weekend of our vacation we are flying to Milan, Italy for four days. I have never been to Italy. It is going to be so great. I will be sure to take thousands of pictures to bore you all with when I get back. I am happy that the three of us will be together for the holiday. I am a little sad as well because this will be the first Christmas I have ever spent without my mom and I am 28 years old. I think she is sad too, but happy that the three of us will be together. My mom has her boyfriend and his family to spend the holidays with so I know she will not be alone. We will be spending Christmas eve at my sister's husbands families house. Christmas eve is the big event in Germany. We will decorate the tree, open presents and have a wonderful meal together. German tradition is to have dessert first before any other course. I thought that was silly at first but the change of pace is a lot of fun. There is a great Christmas market (P.S. that picture above is the market, cool huh) in the town my sister lives in and we will get to enjoy that for three days. We will have our own Christmas dinner the next day with just the four of us where will will exchange our own presents. We leave the day after Christmas for Italy. OK and Chatz live in North West Germany so it will be pretty cold there. I always ask her why she couldn't have chosen someplace tropical. Oh well. I am hoping to check out some museums, see some great architecture, eat some great food and drink some yummy beer. Becks is brewed in the town my sister lives. I am very much looking forward to the trip and spending time with my sisters. We are all so different, but yet in our adulthood have really (for the most part) come to accept, understand and love one another.

Another good thing, which I mentioned the other day is my fantasy football league. There are 12 of us in total and I am now in round 3 of the play offs and the only woman left. I totally love football... like don't miss a game, glued to the TV, every man's dream love football. My team name is 'Livin On A Prayer' which seems appropriate because every week I should lose but my team manages to pull it out in the end. I am a huge NE Patriots fan oh and Boston Red Sox. (I am sure I just made tons of enemies right here). But like it or not I was born and raised in NE. This is my first fantasy league and I'm pretty stoked at how well I have done and how much I have learned. I like being able to talk intelligently about the game. I really find it annoying when chics pretend to like the game in order to get a guys attention. No time for that nonsense.

Lastly, and I am almost afraid to jinx it... I have been feeling much better about K2. I still miss him, but this week has not been consumed with thoughts of him and us and what I want to be. We talked last Wednesday for awhile and I think I finally heard him for the first time. I am always so quick to hear the 'I love you' and disregard the BUT that comes after it. I finally hear the BUT and realized how absolutely powerless I am over the whole thing. That has helped immensely over the last week. I have made it my mantra for the last week to say and do steps 1,2,3 every day. Today I am powerless over alcohol, over K2, over anyone but myself. If I try to exert power over them my life will be unmanageable. Today I believe that my HP, God can restore me to sanity. Today I make the decision to turn my life and will over to you, God. I repeat this over and over whenever I need to.

And lastly, I have started going to church again. I have a really amazing HP is totally in control story about church but this post is already too long and I know a lot of you are skimming through (not that I ever do that **big grin**) Church has been good. I am taking the "take what you like and leave the rest approach" right now. It seems to be working.

Today I am grateful for:

Feeling better about my rotten mood after pointing out all the good in my life

Steps 1,2,3

HP

My upcoming vacation

Program

Having money to Christmas shop this year.. actually having money to pay all of my bills on time and not having to worry about checks bouncing

'Six Feet Under'- its totally one of the best shows ever and I can totally relate program to it all of the time

Hump day

This lovely warm weather in NYC. Lovin' it!

Today I will be okay

Here is a great big thank you to Syd for the honesty award. That is huge for me and means I am doing something right. It is almost time for me to go but I will work on my 10 honest things over the weekend. This will be fun!

In the mean time just a thank you for everyone who has been supporting me. I feel like I have been on a seesaw this week.. and not a fun one. It means so much to me. I would like to say a great big TGIF! to everyone. Have a wonderful weekend... its gonna be brrrrrrr here in NYC this weekend. Here is a very happy and very humble and very grateful gratitude list to start my weekend.

Today I am grateful for:

Powerlessness

My HP, whom I chose to call God

Home ACOA meeting- its like my very own miracle once a week

Connecting with friends

Knowing... really knowing that I have people in my life who love and care for me

Friday! It is my favorite day of the week

Knowing that "this too shall pass"

Learning new lessons

The opportunity to spend my Christmas holiday in Germany with my two sisters

For my job (even when its boring)- and the fact that they are letting me take two whole weeks off over the holidays to go play in Europe

My family, particularly my mom and sisters. They are my heart and soul

The holiday season even if that means annoying tourists in my city

Friends

A better tomorrow

12 Steps

Working at it

All my new blogger friends who have reached out and accepted me just he way I am today

Moving Forward

TGIF! It's amazing what a meeting, a decent night's sleep and some praying will do for you. I feel SO much better today. Thanks everyone for your love and support. Yesterday certainly wasn't one of my best days. It is almost time for me to start my weekend. Yay!


I text K2 yesterday evening asking him when he was available to talk. He is going to call tomorrow morning and stop by my apartment. I cant imagine it will take long, but after everything we have been through in the last months (and the fact that he is my mom's BF brother) I feel like it is important that we take the time to talk face to face. Basically, tomorrow I have to tell him that although I love him and care for him very much I cant see him anymore. It is over. I accept him for who he is, but that doesn't mean I have to accept his behaviors for my own. I can no longer be a part of this little dance. I am done looking at what could be, and I am accepting what is. With that acceptance I realize I can no longer spend time with him. I will not heal if I do. I am scared as hell to do this. Men usually break up with me. And then I let it drag on forever. Actually standing up for myself, speaking my feelings and being the one to end things scares me half to death. It will really be over. No going back. I am trusting in God. He knows what is best and I know he will help me through this difficult time. This is truly God helping me break an unhealthy pattern in my life... and although I am sad and fearful.. I have hope because I know it is truly the right thing to do.

Please send your prayers and thoughts in my direction. I am going to need them. Have a wonderful weekend and enjoy the very chilly weather (if you live in the North East).

Today I am grateful for:

Faith in my HP.
The weekend and sleeping in a bit.
Doing what I know is right.
Spending Sunday with my mom cooking and preparing for Thanksgiving.
Relaxing Friday evenings
Lots of heat in my apartment
Hope

Light At the End of the Tunnel

It's Wednesday already. Where has the time gone? When I was a child time used to stand still. I would complain and my mom would always tell me to wait until I got older... you will be begging for time to stand still. How true. I suppose it is in the same vain as not wanting to go to bed at night and the excitement over the mail. Today, my mail consists of bills and if I could got to bed at 7PM every night I would be happy.

I had a breakthrough this weekend. Well actually I complete act of God. K2 and I are finished. There was no drama, no excitement... just a simple decision (100% through trust in my HP). I can not see him or talk to him. It needs to be over. I am letting go and letting God. I have not shared this insight with him. God has given me a gift. It seems that our time together and our interaction with one another has slowly dwindled over the last two weeks. Originally I had wanted to have a conversation with him. Asking him to please give us another chance, but as the days have gone by I have come to a quiet acceptance within myself. I truly believe it is God taking care of me. Even saying these words out loud before were impossible. I have known for quite some time now that this was what I need to do. I have not been ready. It has been too painful. It came to a head this weekend. K2 was on vacation in Arizona for a week and when he came home we were supposed to get together. I don't want to sit here and point fingers and take his inventory, all I will say is that since his has been home it has become clear to me that I am not on his short list of priorities- and well he isn't so much on mine anymore either. We spoke last on Saturday evening. We were supposed to get together... he decided to head off for a night of drinking with his buddies and I went to a meeting. Best thing I ever did. In the meeting it all became so clear to me. I am trying to explain this but its really not coming out right. I have been so torn up about this for so long and all of a sudden the answer came to me so naturally. I cant describe it, although I don't need to because I know you all can relate. Its like God was just just there. For the first time I get it... this God thing works. I mean I know He has a plan for me. I never really believed that before.

We have not talked since that night. We did not leave things badly. We left the conversation with we would try to get together sometime this week. Its been four days now and I have not heard from him and I have not called him. This too is God working. He knows I don't have the strength to take his calls right now... its almost like K2 knows it too. We will talk at some point and hopefully even become friends. Right now I cant do that. I need time to heal and move on.

I am left with my feelings now. All the residual "stuff" that is left over from the end of this relationship. I have felt lonely, fearful, sad, angry, abandoned, hurt, resentful, disappointed in the last few days. I have also felt calm, peaceful, serene, hopeful, content and happy. I know that it is time to feel these things... and deal with them. I know it will pass and that is completely normal to mourn a death whether it is in the form of a person or a relationship. It is my job to think of one day at a time... keep myself healthy and to mind my own business. I can not let the doubt and hurt creep in. K2 doesn't matter- what matters is me and the actions I take to get better.

This is all really hard... but I finally see a light at the end of the tunnel. It is beautiful.

Today I am grateful for:

A warm home, jacket and clothes and all the sustenance I need during these cold days.

My HP, who I choose to call God.

Trust, faith, strength and courage.

Breaking old patterns and wanting to do things differently.

Sitting with my feelings, the silence and at times the pain.

The Three C's

I didn't cause it, I cant control it, and I cant cure it. This is my mantra for the day. What a blessing from God. I see many blessings from God lately. I am making a point to be more observant of that... seeing the glass as half full instead of empty. I called K2 today just to say hello and he was just in a very bad space. I actually thought for a minute something was really wrong (like life and death wrong-he is a detective). I was happy to hear that it was just emotional/work stuff. As soon as I heard him my first reaction was to try to fix it- do something, say something to make it better. Great news! Nothing I can do about it. If he is sad, upset etc. that is his responsibility. It has nothing to do with me. I didn't cause it, I cant control it and I certainly cant cure it. I suggested he might feel better after a meeting and I invited him out to watch the football game with us tonight and then I hung up. I didn't beg him to tell me what was wrong, I didn't ask him if it was because of me, I didn't try to make him feel better. I told him I can relate. I told him yesterday was a hard day for me so I went to a noon meeting and afterward I felt much better. I told him that I would like his company tonight. And then I told him to have a good day and I would talk to him later. That is a huge Yay! for me.

I still had the same initial thoughts. I still wanted to text him something nice and sappy after we hung up. I still had a few moments of feeling like it was all about me. But I was able to hang up on pain today. I feel much better. I will have a fun time tonight and recognize that everyone has their own feelings and everyone has a bad day(s). It is not my responsibility to step in and make everything better.

I also talked to my sister today. OK has recently started attending Adult Child meetings in Germany where she is living. It has been such a blessing. She has been feeling so much better and I can already see a difference in how she handles her daily life. I am so appreciative because it is allowing us to really understand one other on a whole new level. Areas where the both of us never could see eye to eye have now brought us closer together. I am so grateful for a family where recovery is talked about and encouraged. I am thankful for the tools of this program... and I am so happy that I am able to share them with my mom and sisters. Thank God for this program.

Today I am thankful for:

My HP

My home ACOA meeting

My sister and the continued growth of our relationship and understanding of one another.

Getting together tonight with my friends to watch the Patriots play the Jets.

One day at a time

Improvements... even if they are small

A Long and Winding Road

It has been busy here at work over the past week or so and I am one of probably five people left who does not have the Internet at home. I know, you cant believe it. Honestly its refreshing... I just got cable and that is bad enough. The last thing I need is 24/7 access to the world wide web. I am blessed to have a job where I have full Internet access and plenty of time to use it. That being said, when Big Bad Boss (who really isn't so bad at all) is in town I have zero time to play. He is now gone, and I now have time to play.

I have finally had time to catch up on blogs and do a little extra reading. I am so grateful for everyone here... I have recently been reading up on every one's stories and I am so humbled and grateful at God's Awesome Power. There have been so many times I have said to myself "my father will never be able to get sober," and maybe he wont but your stories and God's love give me hope. I do not pray for anything other than acceptance and God's will, but I find it amazing to see how God has changed so many of our lives. Whenever I am sad, depressed and feeling pity for myself I will make an effort to remember where I came from and where I am now. So, thank you so much to everyone for sharing your experience, strength and hope.

Some things going on in my life right now. First off, I feel like my posts are just so in eloquent. I usually have so many thoughts swimming around in my head that I am lucky to get them all out never mind make them look and sound pretty and witty. That being said I am trying to be gentle with myself. I am me and me is just fine for today. Please bare with my sometimes disconnected thoughts. There are a few phrases and slogans that have been playing around in my head this week. One being 'My relationship with others' do not define me' and 'Just for today I will not dial pain.' I must say that to myself 100 times a day. I am not always successful either. But, I am more successful than I used to be. Before I pick up the phone or send a text I say to myself "can I deal with the outcome" What a huge success for me. I don't like to give myself credit. If I am not perfect at it 100% of the time, it means I have failed. I am more successful at certain things with certain people.

Here are some areas I would like to give myself credit for. K1 and I have not been spending so much time together. My eyes have been opened to the fact that although he is a good person he is not always healthy for me. K1 brings out many of my Codie traits. Traits I don't particularly like in myself. We talked for the first time in awhile on Monday evening. I have to say that there was a time where I thought we would be best friends and lovers forever- like I needed him in my life and thought what would i do without him. Lately, I haven't felt that way. I still care for him, but through the grace of God I have been able to detach and let go. Back to Monday evening... we talked. I acted completely opposite to how I am talking now. I did my typical manipulative, all about me, love me, selfish self-centered act. As I was doing it, I realized I was doing it and I asked myself why I was doing it because its not how I really feel. It pisses me off that I would act this way but at the same time I am just so happy and grateful that I was able to identify this behavior. Now I can stop myself from doing it again. We made plans for this evening. You know what, I woke up this morning and just had this overwhelming feeling that spending time with K1 tonight is just not healthy for me. The old me would have felt too guilty to cancel. I did it. I told him that I am just not feeling up to going out this evening. I would rather go home, go to the gym and make a healthy dinner. I cant believe I am saying this. The old me would have been fearful of a night alone, wanting someone to stroke my ego and make me feel better about myself. I will not let others define me. I am hanging up on pain today... on that front at least. I need to acknowledge these small triumphs. Creating healthy patterns even when sometimes it can be painful.

Another good thing. I have been struggling with praying and meditation lately. I read the other day that when I am focusing on a problem or painful thought that I should stop and focus on something good for one minute. I have been focusing on the ocean and the waves. Yesterday I purchased a 'Sounds of the Ocean' soundtrack. I started listening to it during my meditation time and it already helping me focus, breath and see the beauty of God in the sound. I know all of these steps are small, but they are more than what I was doing a few months ago. Very slowly one day at a time... with plenty of difficult days in between I am making healthier choices.

Now that I have talked about some of the good things in my life... I would like to bring up a very recurring theme. My relationship with K2. Endless struggle of good vs. evil. Yesterday marked four months to the day that K2 and I broke up- which might I add is almost the same amount of time we dated. Yet, I still find myself entangled in this mess. Do let me fool anyone, I see my part. I am aware... I am all too aware. Awareness with no acceptance. I am always stuck in what could be. What could be, is not and therefore is. He was away on vacation last week in Arizona. No talking to him was easy for me. He was gone... 2,000 miles away. Easy! For my mind that is reasonable. K2 is away, out of sight, out of touch.... doable. I wish he would just move away forever. I wish he told me he hated me and that he never wants to talk to me again. It would make it so much easier. Why do I have to be the strong one? Why do I have to be the one to walk away? It sucks. I hate it. Not being with him is awful, but this "thing" we have right now is awful too. He came home yesterday. He called me from the airport (of course). Why does he do that? I want him to do that. And I don't want him to do that. Can't he read minds? Do I actually have to speak the words out loud? Why is it always just enough? Don't get me wrong... he is a wonderful man. That's why I love him. He is a wonderful Adult Child with severe abandonment issues that has told me he loves me but doesn't know if he sees himself with anyone, never mind me. Oh, but if he does see himself with someone that someone would be me he just doesn't know. Hahaha... I am actually laughing at how ridiculous that and I sound. I was in a much needed midday meeting today and the speaker said, "You don't marry a fixer-upper." That really resonated with me. Is that what I am trying to do? Of course I am trying to control the situation. Of course I know HP is telling me I need to let go. Of course I know that it is God's will and not my own. Today, I am having trouble with that. I know it is not going to all come at once. This is a slow gentle program. I will read what I have written above and be grateful for all the areas where I see change and I will continue to pray for courage, strength and willingness to change in the areas that I am not currently able to.

Today I am grateful for:

Midday meetings

Each new day

My HP

Healthy choices

My mom and all of her support in everything I do

Enjoy The Ride...

I am not entirely sure I made the right decision, but Barack Obama is now our new President of the United States. I pray that as a Nation we are able to come together and move forward. I am putting my trust in my HP, in our new president and in the people of the United States. I am proud that I was able to vote in the election yesterday and I am thankful that I do not have to fight for that right nor fear for my life by performing that simple task.

Congratulations to Obama and buckle your seat belts and enjoy the ride...

Today I am grateful for:

Change

My feelings

My new found motivation for the gym

A good home cooked meal

A lazy night in front of the television

To be an American

My sister

Choices

Acceptance Is Key

I voted this morning before work. And although I have my opinions on whom I think will do the best job, I feel that it is most important that American perform the act of voting. It is our right, our duty as American Citizens. Too many people have fought and continue to fight for me to have this right.

This brings me to my younger sister, Little L. She is 19 years old and this will be her first presidential election. It is no secret that Little L and I don't entirely see eye to eye politically, but I have always felt that above all else it is most important that she gets out there and does it. Honestly, throughout most of this election process I have been undecided. It wasn't until fairly recently I made up my mind. Little L made it very clear she is an Obama fan. Which is perfectly fine, but to say our conversations were heated would be an under statement.

So, Little L and I have dinner on Saturday evening. I say to her, "are you excited to be able to vote for the first time?" Her response, "I'm not voting." Honestly I was shocked and well... not very nice either. I couldn't believe that after all the conversations we have had and how important this is she would just decide not to vote. Little L says she didn't get a absentee ballot and she doesn't feel like traveling home from school. I was so disappointed. It really threw me. I had to really step back and use the program. The old me would have ridiculed her and scolded her and yelled at her for not doing it. The new me- well still had to put my two cents in but, I was able to let it go and enjoy the rest of our time together. I expressed to her how important I think it is and then let it rest. This is SO difficult for me. I always know whats best for everyone, right? That has always been my role. Learning to accept things for how they are isn't always easy.

In other news. I am having dinner with K2 this evening in his town. This is something I have not done since we broke up. I am a little nervous and anxious about the whole thing. I am taking baby steps every day towards what I know I have to do in regard to our relationship. It makes me sad and I am just not ready yet. Please keep me in your prayers- my HP will give me the strength to do what I need to do.

Today I am grateful for:

The right to vote.

To me an American Citizen

Yummy dinner

The seasonable weather

HP always knowing whats best

Jack-O-Lantern

I carved a pumpkin last night. (I am including some pictures) He is now a Jack-O-Lantern. And he is pretty darn cute. I haven't carved a pumpkin in years. It seems that everyone is always too busy now to get together. K2 and I originally planned on doing it... but it never seemed to happen. I almost didn't do it- trying not to feel resentful for the fact that our pumpkin date didn't work out. But hey, why waste a perfectly good pumpkin just because something didn't work out the way I want it to? Then, of course I was sort of afraid it would bring back memories of my childhood. Alas, it did not- actually it was oodles of fun. Last night me and my puppy (okay just me) carved a Jack-O-Lantern. I must admit Cami (my puppy) very much enjoyed eating up the pumpkin parts I dropped on the floor. Oh, and even more fun was 'Charlie Brown and the Great Pumpkin' was on and I painted a baby pumpkin and a gourd. Lastly... and best of all I made pumpkin seeds. Overall it was a good night and I just wanted to share because usually I am writing about things I am struggling with. Nice to feel my HP working.

Today I feel a little frustrated. Sometimes I wonder what my purpose is. Why am I here? What am I doing? It is very easy for me to look at my life and become frustrated. I am always looking at the negatives instead of focusing on the positives. I am 28 years old, single, living on my own in a job that I don't love, hanging out with my friends who do the same thing week in and week out. As I am writing this I am saying to myself, hey... I have a job that allows me to pay all of my bills and still save some money, I live completely on my own without any help from anyone else, I have friends that care about me, and I have the opportunity every day (with the help of my HP) to make choices that will make me happy.

I think in order to feel better about myself and my life I need to do something good for others without expecting anything in return. I volunteered today for two projects in my area. The first is a mural painting day at one of the local schools and the other is volunteering with kids in a single women's home for mothers getting back on their feet. This isn't the first time I have done this, but usually I cancel at the last minute for some lame reason. This time I really want to make the commitment to help others. Focusing on others helps me appreciate my own life.
I am also thinking about taking a figure drawing or painting class. I went to school for art. I have my degree in Fine Art with a concentration in Graphic Design. It is a very long story that at some point needs to be told, but I have since lost my passion for art. I feel like it is a part of me that I can no longer identify with and that makes me sad. I feel like I have blocked art from being a part of me because of fear and rejection, and I would like to try to rekindle my love for it. I used to be pretty good too. Well, so people tell me. I don't think I ever gave myself enough credit. If I did maybe I would still be doing it. I am saying these things out loud because I tend to have all these great plans and never follow through with them. One of the great joys of an Adult Child.

This time though... I am going to do it. What do I have to lose. Life is about finding what makes me happy. Just recently I have realized I have no idea what that even is.

Today I am grateful for:

My Jack-O-Lantern
Work being over in one hour
Every one's inspiring blog posts
Wanting to be better
Art

Love Doesn't Mean Leaning

I am lazy about writing today. I think it's mostly because I cant decide on what I want to say... there seems to be so much too say. I didn't write yesterday because I was feverishly reading the last 200 pages in 'A Thousand Splendid Suns,' which is a beautifully sad and inspiring novel by Khaled Hoseinni. If you have not yet read it, I absolutely recommend it.

I would first like to say I had an uncomfortable experience last night at an Alanon meeting. It was only the second time I have been to this particular meeting and it is a Beginners meeting. There was a lovely woman who qualified and then it was a pitch meeting. The gentleman chairing the meeting never asked for a spiritual time keeper. The qualifier was then left to her own devices for timing/not timing herself... and after the meeting turned to a pitch. This left me feeling awkward and a bit uncomfortable. I always get nervous about being scolded for what would be considered cross talk so I did not speak up to suggest that there be a spiritual time keeper. One of the things I love about the 12 Step Program is it's format, and I had to work hard throughout the rest of the meeting not to be distracted essentially by the rules not being followed. Looking now I see that it was a great lesson in acceptance, but at the time I have to admit it stressed me a little bit.

Onto other news... It seems that most of my recovery comes in the form of my relationships... specifically romantic relationships. I believe this is the area I have the most trouble in. I have become fairly decent with setting boundaries with my family and I feel that I am now able to set healthy boundaries in regard to my father... but my romantic life has a direct correlation with my self image, my need to please and my need to be loved. I had dinner with K2 last night. What a wonderful evening. We went for Italian and sat in a comfy little corner at the back of the restaurant. The weather here is getting chilly and it was nice to be in a warm restaurant with good food, a glass of wine and great company. K2 and I always have a great time together. I am not naive enough to think of him as my other half, but in many way the comfortable space between the two of us is something I am really coming to appreciate more and more. I think this might be one of God's lessons in this situation. I am not sure that I have ever known real intimacy with a man. I have always been quick to use my feminine prowess to get what I want. T he physical connection has always become very important to me (and although I feel physically and sexually attracted to K2) it is nice that I am not able to use that as a form of intimacy. Does that make sense? I am not sure. When K2 and I started spending time together again we both decided that a physical relationship would not be healthy for either one of us at this point. There is some hand holding and a kiss hello and goodbye but there is no longer intense physical contact between us. At times this is difficult for me. I feel that because we are not sexually intimate he must not care about me, but I am beginning to see that the lack of physical is enabling us to have true real intimacy. Maybe tomorrow everything will change and we wont be together, but for right now I am trying to learn and understand myself through the interactions with K2. I never realized how strongly I counted on these behaviors until I started changing them. We are able to talk and laugh, really listen to what each other has to say. I sometimes still think that because he does not spend the night with me he doesn't care about me and he is abandoning me. But he keeps coming back, and we keep enjoying our time together. I pray the trust continues to grow and that I am able to let go of those fears... realizing love doesn't mean obsession and consumption. It means giving myself and the other person enough room to grow and blossom, it means taking care of myself, it means caring but not taking care of....

I see the same woman on the train almost every day... and every day I cant help but stare are her huge diamond ring. And as I stare at it, I think... that's never going to happen for me. And then I have to tell myself maybe it wont. But if it doesn't... God must have something even better planned for me.

God, please help me to trust you. Please help me to listen when you speak.

Today I am grateful for:

Dinner with K2 last night

My HP

Letting go

Every day is a new day

Not always knowing the answers... not usually knowing the answers

The sun

Movie night tonight

My pumpkin :)
The fact that I don't wake up in the morning wondering if today is the day I am going to die because of wars, bombs, sickness, beating. I am free to make choices and to live my life how I want... not under tyrannical rules that only bring hate and hurt to others.

Today... I Will Live In The Day

I had a nice weekend. The weather was chilly, but beautiful. It's funny to me how things work out if I just let go...

I am finally feeling better. Thanks to everyone for all the well wishes and good vibes. Friday evening I decided to stay home and recuperate from my cold over the week. I was enjoying the quiet, laying on my couch with my puppy (I recently got cable and have been sort of enthralled for the last week or so) but at the same time was also looking forward to my Saturday evening plans with K1. God wanted to gently teach me a lesson in letting go. K1 called me Friday night to tell me that plans changed and he had to work Saturday night. It almost immediately put me into a tail spin. The thought of spending my entire weekend alone in my apartment almost got the better of me. It is actually a physical reaction... my body starts in on a panic attack. I stopped, took a few breathes and said to myself "K, just for today you will live in the day and not worry about tomorrow." I constantly tell myself One Day At A Time... but rarely listen to my own mantras. It worked by golly. I refused to allow myself to stress about tomorrow's plans. It made for a much more pleasant evening.

Best part was... I ended up getting together with K1 after all. We just switched things around a little and I was able to get all my laundry done on top of it. Score! I refused to make plans ahead of time and everything worked out just fine. I am one of those people that on Wednesday I am already making plans for the weekend because I am scared to death to be alone. I am learning that living one day at a time is a lot less stressful and a lot more fun. I am learning to trust God a little bit more every day. When I am constantly worrying about whats coming next I am missing out on what is in front of me.

I am also learning that my disease is never going to go away. The behaviors that took 28 years to manifest don't disappear over night. It is up to me to change the pattern. My initial reaction might be one of panic, stress and worry but I can choose trust, faith and hope in God. I am pretty sure that makes for a healthier happier life.

Today I am grateful for:

My mom

My HP

Living one day a time

Trust

Choices

A new way of life

Busy as a Bee

Thank you everyone for your well wishes. It really means a lot to me. Its nice to feel others' love and support. I thought for sure I was feeling much better but alas I have hit a brick wall this afternoon... well maybe more like a mucus wall. I know disgusting. But very true. I seem to be at a crossroads of my mental health and my physical health today. I want badly to go to my ACOA home meeting tonight, but that little voice inside of me is saying it might be smarter to go home and rest. Hopefully the Tylenol I just took will set in and I will feel well enough to head to my meeting after work.

I have a lot going on right now. All kinds of things popping around in this head of mine. I really thank everyone who listens to me and I feel like I gain peace, strength, hope and love from all of you. I have my very own built in 24 hour support group.

As you know, I am not feeling well. When I am not feeling well my patience often runs a bit thin. I have been struggling the past few days with my co-worker, who also happens to be one of my best friends from college. I use the term best lightly... because as of late I have been reexamining what friendship is as a whole. Anyway, it is a very small office (4 people). K3, myself... who is also a K might I add, J and D. D is only in the office a few times a month and J is a very active alcoholic. **** This is a total side note, but have you all noticed how many K's are in my life? It's sorta bazaar. I wonder if there is any cool reasoning behind it.**** Back to point. In the past two days I have found it difficult to deal with K3. She gets stressed at work and tends to take it out on me. I remind myself that she is not doing it to me, she is just doing it. I am sure most of her attitude is her own stress. But its still irks me. It irks me because I let myself be upset by it and it irks me because I am too chicken to say anything to her about it. I don't want her to be mad at me, I don't want the work place to be uncomfortable, I am trying to use my words wisely and calmly instead of raging (quite frankly I'm not so good at it yet) and I know that part of the reason she does it is because we are friends and she is venting. That doesn't make it fair that I feel badly asking her to take a phone call- it is her job after all. I have a "don't shoot the messenger" attitude about it. This has happened before, and last time I handled the situation poorly. I am hoping that this go around I can handle the situation like an adult. I try to be understanding. J's drinking puts a lot of extra responsibility on all of us- particularly K3. It doesn't mean I should be the punching bag though. I am trying to detach and not make any harsh rash decisions. I am trying to understand that we are both not feeling well and I just need to be a little more patient. Whoa... I already feel better.

Okay, next on the list is K2. He came over last night to watch the debate with me. I made dinner and dessert. Apple Crisp! And it was Yummy with a capital Y. K2 brought vanilla ice cream. We had a nice night, and I am doing my very best not to over-analyze and over-think every darn thing. I get so caught up in my head before you know it no one is ever able to live up to my fantasy, including myself. It brought me to thinking about why as humans we feel the need to have an answer for everything. Life is all about the end point for so many of us... at least that's how I have always lived. I am trying to appreciate the journey right now. Today, the journey isn't so bad. Yay! That Tylenol is kicking in. :) Here is a little more background on the K2 situation. He is my mom's boyfriend (of three years who is four years sober) younger brother. We have known each other for about that long, and have been close friends for over a year. Last March we decided we like one another... we still like one another. But... his issues growing up in an alcoholic family and my alcoholic family sometime make it difficult to have a healthy relationship. We dated for five months and broke up in July. The break-up was awful. Some of my most painful darkest hours to date. We didn't speak for about a month and finally got together to talk. After talking we both decided to stay friendly... besides technically we are family and we have no choice. Anyway, we have been talking a few times a week and lately seeing each other at least one a week as well. We have talked about how the two of really care for one another and not seeing each other is awful... a relationship that does not make. He has a huge fear of commitment and I have a huge fear of abandonment. We have decided to just spend time together while working our own programs. This is often extremely painful and difficult, but I am praying to God that it is His will and not my own. I have learned some valuable lessons along this journey. I am learning that you do not have to be with someone everyday or talk to someone everyday in order for them to care about you or for you to care for them. I have always thought that love is obsession. That is certainly not the case. That's all I can really get out right now about the situation.

Lastly, I would like to say out loud (or out written) that I am praying to God about a sponsor. This is on God's time, but I am willing and ready to put the work and faith in to grow in this program. I don't really know how to go about the whole thing, but I figure offering it up to God is a heck of a good start.

Everyone, Have a great night and today I am grateful for:

My voice and my freedom

ACOA/Alanon.

Tylenol.

Comebacks- specifically the Boston Red Sox

My Higher Power

Fairy Tale Endings

I love my Thursday night ACOA meeting. I always feel connected to the group and I continue to appreciate the diversity it brings. I am also thankful for the fact that the group has many men and women similar age as me. I am constantly hopeful and grateful to hear about members who have been married for years and have found, through Alanon, a sense of happiness with themselves and their significant others...

But, it is also nice to hear other twenty-somethings like myself struggling to balance life, dating, and pondering the question "Is there someone out there for me?" One of my deepest fears is being alone. My qualifier, who is my father constantly left us growing up. He traveled for work often, and had a tendency to disappear for days and for what felt like weeks at a time. I had a wonderful mother who tried her best to make up for the disappearance of my father, but unfortunately the damage had already been done. I am so scared that I am going to die old and alone. I am also scared that the only way I will be able to be with someone is if I give myself one hundred and ten percent. I do not want to continue to lose myself in someone else. I know my HP has a plan for me and it is the best plan possible, but sometimes I lack faith. I want to find the man of my dreams (here in lies the problem) He is just that... my dream. Which means lacking reality- get married, have children, live in the perfect house... happily after. Again with the fantasy.

Growing up I didn't always understand or realize the effect my dad's absence had on me. My mom was always covering up and compensating for where my father lacked. As I get older and healthier I am beginning to see that my mom's behaviors created similar behaviors in me. I pray on a daily basis that I do not hold these behaviors against either of them. I know they did the best they could with what they had. I am trying to understand these behaviors in order to correct them and do things differently now.

My mom created a huge sense of codependency in me. In ways I am only beginning to understand. It is now time for me to accept my part in this situation... and begin to learn how to change the patterns that were so prevalent in my family of origin. I have no clever words, phrases, or funny antic dotes. I have me, turning myself over to my HP and The 12 Step Program.

So, maybe that fairy tale happy ending is possible... just not in its original form.

My goal for today is trust my HP and have faith that He has a plan for me- A much better plan than I could ever think of.

Today I am grateful for:

Another beautiful day
The Boston Red Sox
Apple picking tomorrow
My job
My HP perfect plan for me

Recycling Is Not Relapsing

I had a breakthrough this past weekend. It all started on Thursday evening at my home meeting. I was sharing on awareness and how I feel stuck in seeing the problem but not being able to take action. After I shared I heard someone speak of "The Three A's" in Alanon. Awareness, Acceptance, Action. I soon realized the reason no action was able to occur was because I haven't been doing a whole lot of accepting. Something I find myself only intermittently good at.

On my subway ride home my HP thought a lesson in acceptance would be humbling and important for me. I left my meeting a touch early to meet a friend and was feeling a little anxious over getting there on time. We were about to pull into the station when the train stopped completely. I waited just outside the station for close to 30 minutes. Boy, was I upset at first. I couldn't quite understand why on the one evening I had to be somewhere the train was not working properly. I sat back, said the Serenity Prayer a few times and accepted the fact that there was nothing I could do and that my friend would be okay without me for a few minutes.

What a huge lesson and blessing for me. I truly believe that it gave me the acceptance and power I needed to make a big decision for myself over this past weekend. I have been struggling with a relationship in my life for the past months... but very specifically the past few weeks. I know that it is not healthy for me, but was having difficulty letting go and accepting that it cant stay the way it has been. I had the courage to set boundaries this weekend and explain to the person that things need to change and I refuse to go on with how things have been.

Which brings me to recycling not relapsing. I have been doing a lot of recovery reading lately and I often feel like I am taking one step forward and two steps back. I found a different perspective yesterday. taking one step back is perfectly normal and necessary to help me see where I don't want to go again. Relapse is defined as a slip, or to fall back into a former condition... but to recycle means to recover or to pass through again for a checking or treating. Hearing those words gave me faith that my struggles are not in vain and they are just one important part of my recovery. Sometimes it takes more than one try before I get things right. I have been fighting the fear of letting go, of giving in and seeing that change isn't always bad. Parts of me want to run back to how they used to be... but how they used to be isn't always good, its just what I know. I am realizing that I need to feel the fear, loneliness, anxiety and own it before I can truly move forward.

Today I am grateful for:

Alanon and ACOA

Awareness, Acceptance, Action

My HP

Trusting myself and my HP in the decisions I make

Recycling... it does a body good.