Moving Forward

TGIF! It's amazing what a meeting, a decent night's sleep and some praying will do for you. I feel SO much better today. Thanks everyone for your love and support. Yesterday certainly wasn't one of my best days. It is almost time for me to start my weekend. Yay!


I text K2 yesterday evening asking him when he was available to talk. He is going to call tomorrow morning and stop by my apartment. I cant imagine it will take long, but after everything we have been through in the last months (and the fact that he is my mom's BF brother) I feel like it is important that we take the time to talk face to face. Basically, tomorrow I have to tell him that although I love him and care for him very much I cant see him anymore. It is over. I accept him for who he is, but that doesn't mean I have to accept his behaviors for my own. I can no longer be a part of this little dance. I am done looking at what could be, and I am accepting what is. With that acceptance I realize I can no longer spend time with him. I will not heal if I do. I am scared as hell to do this. Men usually break up with me. And then I let it drag on forever. Actually standing up for myself, speaking my feelings and being the one to end things scares me half to death. It will really be over. No going back. I am trusting in God. He knows what is best and I know he will help me through this difficult time. This is truly God helping me break an unhealthy pattern in my life... and although I am sad and fearful.. I have hope because I know it is truly the right thing to do.

Please send your prayers and thoughts in my direction. I am going to need them. Have a wonderful weekend and enjoy the very chilly weather (if you live in the North East).

Today I am grateful for:

Faith in my HP.
The weekend and sleeping in a bit.
Doing what I know is right.
Spending Sunday with my mom cooking and preparing for Thanksgiving.
Relaxing Friday evenings
Lots of heat in my apartment
Hope

I Made a Boo Boo

I had a bad work experience this weekend. I am still not over it in my head. Talk about not being able to let things go. It seems better to me in my head to continue to punish myself for mistakes. Talk about a good lesson in the The Serenity Prayer.

I am an Executive Assistant for the EVP of a very large company. (So not my cup of tea if you know me at all- I have always been really artsy and lack that great attention to detail that seems to be oh so necessary when taking care of someone that basically can't even feed themselves). It was my duty to send a FedEx First overnight delivery to Big Boss's house for Saturday delivery on Friday. I do all the work- print the memos, make the packets etc., and create the FedEx slip online. All good to go. Nope! Me lacking the attention to detail I mentioned above got so stuck on the 1st over night thing that I didn't realize that 1st over night isn't available for Saturday delivery. I leave thinking everything is okay. Go out for Halloween with friends (which was lots of fun- thanks everyone for the well wishes) and didn't get home until 2AM. Saturday morning comes around and I wake up around 7AM to use the bathroom and I see on my Blackberry that there is no delivery status email. I then go straight into a panic attack and play back yesterday's events in my head. Come to think of it I never clicked the "Saturday delivery" option. Crap! Now its 7AM I have had 4 hours sleep- after a few cocktails the night before and I realize Big Boss isn't going to get his package on time. I call FedEx, all the while praying I was mistaken or perhaps they could perform a miracle. They say call back in an hour and half at 9AM when they open. This really sets me off. At this point I am begging God, reciting The Serenity Prayer over and over and pacing my apartment.

I made a mistake. No other way of getting around it. I could try to lie, but really that is going to get me nowhere. Might I add that there was a time in my life that I would have absolutely lied (coming to realize its a 4th step character defect). But, really promptly admitting my mistake and making amends was my best option. I emailed my boss stating I made a mistake and that I was going to the office to fax/email etc. everything to the other assistant to make sure he had everything he needed for Sunday's meeting. I then got up and went to the office immediately (basically to punish myself for my mistake). I say I was punishing myself because it was 9AM on a Saturday morning and the meeting wasn't until the next day at 2PM. I was faxing the memos to the Virginia office for the assistant to print on Sunday. I could have gone at any point in the day on Saturday but I felt the need to go then. I also felt the need to deny myself any breakfast or coffee. My mind was consumed with the mistake I made and I was unable to do anything else. I feel so much shame and guilt for this mistake I made. I was/still am so afraid of my boss- his reaction, his disappointment, the possibility of him yelling at me, maybe even firing me. I am projecting every bad feeling I have about myself onto this situation. And I am still doing it. I feel like such a failure. I do this kind of stuff. I don't know why. I make mistakes. Why? It doesn't seem like others do. I don't even know why I do it. I compare myself to others. Why am I so non-observant? Why don't I re-check everything again? Mistakes like that shouldn't happen. I disappoint myself. I beat myself up. I have difficulty forgiving myself. I am still fearful that I will be yelled at when Big Boss comes into the office this week. It is absolutely awful. And the worst part is that I have been beating myself up over this incident for two days now, and I still feel guilty.

What a horrible disease this is. I have been fighting off sadness and depression for a week now and this incident has not helped. I pray that by talking about it, going to meetings and trying to be gentle with myself I will be able to let this go and learn from my mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes, right?

Today I am grateful for:

Midday meetings

Alanon slogans

Jack-O-Lantern

I carved a pumpkin last night. (I am including some pictures) He is now a Jack-O-Lantern. And he is pretty darn cute. I haven't carved a pumpkin in years. It seems that everyone is always too busy now to get together. K2 and I originally planned on doing it... but it never seemed to happen. I almost didn't do it- trying not to feel resentful for the fact that our pumpkin date didn't work out. But hey, why waste a perfectly good pumpkin just because something didn't work out the way I want it to? Then, of course I was sort of afraid it would bring back memories of my childhood. Alas, it did not- actually it was oodles of fun. Last night me and my puppy (okay just me) carved a Jack-O-Lantern. I must admit Cami (my puppy) very much enjoyed eating up the pumpkin parts I dropped on the floor. Oh, and even more fun was 'Charlie Brown and the Great Pumpkin' was on and I painted a baby pumpkin and a gourd. Lastly... and best of all I made pumpkin seeds. Overall it was a good night and I just wanted to share because usually I am writing about things I am struggling with. Nice to feel my HP working.

Today I feel a little frustrated. Sometimes I wonder what my purpose is. Why am I here? What am I doing? It is very easy for me to look at my life and become frustrated. I am always looking at the negatives instead of focusing on the positives. I am 28 years old, single, living on my own in a job that I don't love, hanging out with my friends who do the same thing week in and week out. As I am writing this I am saying to myself, hey... I have a job that allows me to pay all of my bills and still save some money, I live completely on my own without any help from anyone else, I have friends that care about me, and I have the opportunity every day (with the help of my HP) to make choices that will make me happy.

I think in order to feel better about myself and my life I need to do something good for others without expecting anything in return. I volunteered today for two projects in my area. The first is a mural painting day at one of the local schools and the other is volunteering with kids in a single women's home for mothers getting back on their feet. This isn't the first time I have done this, but usually I cancel at the last minute for some lame reason. This time I really want to make the commitment to help others. Focusing on others helps me appreciate my own life.
I am also thinking about taking a figure drawing or painting class. I went to school for art. I have my degree in Fine Art with a concentration in Graphic Design. It is a very long story that at some point needs to be told, but I have since lost my passion for art. I feel like it is a part of me that I can no longer identify with and that makes me sad. I feel like I have blocked art from being a part of me because of fear and rejection, and I would like to try to rekindle my love for it. I used to be pretty good too. Well, so people tell me. I don't think I ever gave myself enough credit. If I did maybe I would still be doing it. I am saying these things out loud because I tend to have all these great plans and never follow through with them. One of the great joys of an Adult Child.

This time though... I am going to do it. What do I have to lose. Life is about finding what makes me happy. Just recently I have realized I have no idea what that even is.

Today I am grateful for:

My Jack-O-Lantern
Work being over in one hour
Every one's inspiring blog posts
Wanting to be better
Art