Taking a Time Out

I am taking a little time out this morning to breathe and have a few moments of silence. Everythin here is great but the constant flow of people can be a litle stressful. I can tell I have not been to an Al-Anon meeting in a week. This is a little time to focus on me and talk to HP righ now. It is difficult living with 4 people when you are used to living alone. At least now I recognize that it is probably not easy for everyone else either. I recognize when I am feeling stressed and out of control. I notice I start to clean. I cleaned my sister's apartment this morning. Not such a bad outlet for my craziness. The old me would have been miserable... started yelling etc.

I constantly have to remind myself that everyone has there own way of doing and dealing with things and my way is not the right way for THEM. Overall everything here is really wonderful. We have been having a lot of fun and there have been no fights. I think it is important that we all pay attention to our bodies and not try to pack too much in all of the time. We decided to stay home and make pizza last night and I am sure that it was the right decision. We were all able to get a good nights sleep.

Here is what I am struggling with today... I just want to complain for a moment and then move on. OK's husband is slow as mollases and has poor time manangememnt. Drives me crazy. We are always late for everything. I have been doing well (and OK does the same) with just letting him do his own thing. We leave for the train and if he misses it oh well. Its Christmas Eve and I am missing my mom. I am missing my mom anyway. I am missing my apartment and my bed and my schedule. The way I do things. This has really helped with appreciating living alone too. A lot of times I complain about being single... today I am VERY grateful for that. I am hating the weather here and how everyone else in my family has straight hair but me and I feel out of place because it is always misty and rainy and grumpy. This sounds so shallow. But EVERYONE in Germany has straight here but me and I sort of feel like a freak. I just feel a disturbance in "The Force" within myself if you will. I am headng for a shower and will take a few moments to talk to God and sort things out.

Today is going to be a wonderful day and overall I am truly grateful for everything in my life. I am so lucky and today I recognize that. I am happy to be able to recognize gratitude and that I am spending the day with my sisters and her husband. I am grateful that I get to experience a German Christmas. I am grateful that even though I am thousands of miles away from home I still have a network of recovery.

Peace, Serenity and Merry Christmas!!!

It Is a 5 Day Work Week

I didn't sleep well again last night. I am pretty sure I was dreaming but I cant remember the details. I used to sleep so well before K2. He must have rubbed off on me. I woke up this morning annoyed at my alarm. It was so nice not being told what to do for those wonderful four days. Alarm went off. Grumpy me got up. Grumpy me got in the shower. Grumpy me got even grumpier when I realized I would be in work in an hour.

I start having anxiety come about 4PM on Sunday afternoon. I have to put it aside because it gets so bad that sometimes it can ruin my whole evening. I hate Monday anxiety. What a drag. I find whenever I am sad or anxious about something I really have to concentrate my positive energy. Not wanting to go to work can easily turn into missing K2, thoughts of self-hatred, depression etc. How easy those feelings can creep in.

Good news. I can usually stop myself now. I give my hurt and pain a few minutes or hours and then put it in a box. Done.

Today I am grateful for:

The program

My family

My trip to Germany
Christmas

P.S. I went to church yesterday. I will blog more tomorrow :)

Jack-O-Lantern

I carved a pumpkin last night. (I am including some pictures) He is now a Jack-O-Lantern. And he is pretty darn cute. I haven't carved a pumpkin in years. It seems that everyone is always too busy now to get together. K2 and I originally planned on doing it... but it never seemed to happen. I almost didn't do it- trying not to feel resentful for the fact that our pumpkin date didn't work out. But hey, why waste a perfectly good pumpkin just because something didn't work out the way I want it to? Then, of course I was sort of afraid it would bring back memories of my childhood. Alas, it did not- actually it was oodles of fun. Last night me and my puppy (okay just me) carved a Jack-O-Lantern. I must admit Cami (my puppy) very much enjoyed eating up the pumpkin parts I dropped on the floor. Oh, and even more fun was 'Charlie Brown and the Great Pumpkin' was on and I painted a baby pumpkin and a gourd. Lastly... and best of all I made pumpkin seeds. Overall it was a good night and I just wanted to share because usually I am writing about things I am struggling with. Nice to feel my HP working.

Today I feel a little frustrated. Sometimes I wonder what my purpose is. Why am I here? What am I doing? It is very easy for me to look at my life and become frustrated. I am always looking at the negatives instead of focusing on the positives. I am 28 years old, single, living on my own in a job that I don't love, hanging out with my friends who do the same thing week in and week out. As I am writing this I am saying to myself, hey... I have a job that allows me to pay all of my bills and still save some money, I live completely on my own without any help from anyone else, I have friends that care about me, and I have the opportunity every day (with the help of my HP) to make choices that will make me happy.

I think in order to feel better about myself and my life I need to do something good for others without expecting anything in return. I volunteered today for two projects in my area. The first is a mural painting day at one of the local schools and the other is volunteering with kids in a single women's home for mothers getting back on their feet. This isn't the first time I have done this, but usually I cancel at the last minute for some lame reason. This time I really want to make the commitment to help others. Focusing on others helps me appreciate my own life.
I am also thinking about taking a figure drawing or painting class. I went to school for art. I have my degree in Fine Art with a concentration in Graphic Design. It is a very long story that at some point needs to be told, but I have since lost my passion for art. I feel like it is a part of me that I can no longer identify with and that makes me sad. I feel like I have blocked art from being a part of me because of fear and rejection, and I would like to try to rekindle my love for it. I used to be pretty good too. Well, so people tell me. I don't think I ever gave myself enough credit. If I did maybe I would still be doing it. I am saying these things out loud because I tend to have all these great plans and never follow through with them. One of the great joys of an Adult Child.

This time though... I am going to do it. What do I have to lose. Life is about finding what makes me happy. Just recently I have realized I have no idea what that even is.

Today I am grateful for:

My Jack-O-Lantern
Work being over in one hour
Every one's inspiring blog posts
Wanting to be better
Art