I don't want to dedicate this whole post to K2 but I will say that we talked on Saturday. He was understanding and in agreement. He told me he admires my courage and strength for being the one to let go. Is that what I have done? Let go? Because it certainly doesn't seem like it now. I think about him all of the time. Every day on the way to my apartment I walk up the street and look for his car. The blue Xterra. My mind plays tricks on me sometimes and I think he is there... waiting for me. He never is. I wonder if missing him will ever go away. The pain right now is so acute. Mostly it is this dull ache that is always in my heart, but sometimes when I see or hear something the pain becomes so shocking that I have to take a few deep breaths. The only way I can describe it is its as if someone has knocked the wind out of me. It hurts. I love him. He loves me, he told me as much on Saturday. Something to the effect of I have loved you from the first time I met you. If that doesn't break your heart.
I know. My logical brain gets that he has so much he needs to work on. I have so much I need to work on. God is in control. I can TRUST. My heart says the opposite. My heart questions my decision. My heart says I have abandoned him. My heart says to call him. But can you abandon someone who hasn't made a commitment? I know that they are only feelings at it too shall pass... but it is difficult and I hurt. And I love him. And I need to surrender. Some moments I do.
On the other hand tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I will be spending the day with my mom and her boyfriend and my youngest sister, Little L. My mom and I are making all of the food. There will be only 4 of us with enough food for at least 20. We are Portuguese. We can't help ourselves ;) Dinner menu includes, but is not limited to deviled eggs, stuffed celery, squash soup, pear and blue cheese salad, sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes, brussel sprouts gratin, turkey and gravy, Portuguese stuffing, cranberry sauce, caramelized pearl onions and for dessert homemade apple pie and pumpkin pie with caramel topping. See... told you there would be enough for twenty. I am looking forward to spending time with Little L. I haven't seen her in awhile because she is away at college and has a new boy friend. It should be a peaceful and enjoyable holiday. Little L. is 9 years younger than me and I basically helped raiser her for as long I can remember. She is now 19 years old and I have to realize that she is no longer a child and can make her own decisions (whether I agree with them or not). I am actually looking forward to using the tools of ACOA and Alanon. A lot has changed since last Thanksgiving and I am looking forward to a more peaceful serene Kristen. My middle sister, OK lives in Germany with her husband. I am sad that she will not be here for the Thanksgiving Holiday (it's her favorite) but I am so grateful that we are going to get to spend two weeks with her and her husband in Germany and Italy over the Christmas holidays. It is going to be an amazing experience.
Here are a few pictures of the three of us. Everyone says we have the same smile. The resemblance ends there. Little L and I are totally my dads side of the family. OK is all my mom. I used to tell her she was adopted. Not very nice of me.
I am going to do my best to be grateful for all that God has bestowed upon me. There is so much. Each day it gets a little better and I constantly remind myself that I am allowed to feel my feelings. They are mine. That doesn't mean they have to consume me.
I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving. Peace and Serenity.
Today I am grateful for:
My amazing family
Thanksgiving feast tomorrow
Getting out of work early
Spending time with my family
A loving and trusting God
Everyone here who supports me
A safe surgery and speedy recovery for my sister
My home and everything I have in it