Friday, January 30, 2009

The Memory Ball

I wish I were like Dumbledore in Harry Potter. I always have so much swimming around in my head and I can never get it onto paper, or computer fast enough. I need a magic wand that takes all my thoughts and puts them into neat little jars. I feel that I am coming back around slowly but surely. The great thing about this program is that right where I am is where I am supposed to be. I realized this morning that I have not been living the first step recently. I have fallen back into thinking that I have control. SO not the case.

Last night's home ACOA was amazing. Higher Power was working all over the place. The shares were inspiring, sad, heart felt, gut wrenching and exactly what I needed to hear. There are a few of us all around the same age and it is comforting to hear similar stories in regard to living life in the big city... jobs, friendships and specifically dating. Each story could be told by any of us and that is what keeps me coming back. Knowing that there is a place where so many people get exactly one I am saying. There is nothing better than a friendly smile or a knowing head nod when I am sharing.

I have been dating again recently and this has lead me to see some scary truths about myself. I had no idea what an issue I have with commitment until very recently. I probably never noticed it because I was always "committing" to unavailable men. Makes it a lot easier to commit to someone when you know they won't be able to or choose not to commit back. What a slap in the face. I realize that I am the mirror of so many of my exes. I would like to share with myself and everyone a conversation I had this morning with a good friend. It really is helping wrap my brain around some of the historical stuff that is coming up for me. (I am Dimes19 by the way)

Dimes19 (11:36:55 AM): i am just really starting to see how my thinking effects my life and how so much of it comes back to my history

iChrisEsp (11:37:19 AM): ahh

Dimes19 (11:37:21 AM): i have recently been examining things because of dating. I never realized what a commitment-phobe I am

Dimes19 (11:37:47 AM): I am just like all the men I date. That's why I date them

Dimes19 (11:38:12 AM): unavailable is what i do. that way I never have to be available

Dimes19 (11:38:31 AM): its pretty heavy stuff

iChrisEsp (11:38:46 AM): wow

Dimes19 (11:43:58 AM): here's how it works. I date someone who is basically unavailable.. whether he says so or not. That way I already know what the outcome will be. Disappointment. But I'm never truly disappointed because i already know how its going to end. And it always ends. I never have to worry about committing myself because I am always chasing that person, which is good because if they actually stayed put and wanted a commitment i would run the other way

Dimes19 (11:44:33 AM): and the reason i have no problem meeting their friends, family etc.. is because its a way to manipulate the situation and i know that it makes it harder for them to break up with me.

iChrisEsp (11:44:39 AM): i started thinking about all the women I dated and especially the ones i liked

iChrisEsp (11:44:50 AM): and i don't think i deserved any of them

Dimes19 (11:45:00 AM): oh i do that too

Dimes19 (11:45:20 AM): that's the other thing. anytime i do meet someone nice or good i come up with a million reasons why i am not good enough

Dimes19 (11:45:41 AM): and then that helps to drive them away

Dimes19 (11:46:30 AM): best part about all of it is, i think i want the commitment and i get angry and jealous that others have it... yet when its in front of me i am scared to death and want nothing more than to run in the other direction.

iChrisEsp (11:47:13 AM): ahh

Dimes19 (11:48:51 AM): i am a master manipulator. But so are the men i date. So its a power struggle who can do it better and faster. than when we cant manipulate each other anymore... it ends

Honestly this is all I can even get through right now. It brings up so many painful memories and feelings that I can only deal with it in small doses. It feels good to be back and I plan to catch up with everyone next week. Have a wonderful weekend. Enjoy the snow if you have it!

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Back in the saddle again...

I don't know why I haven't written in so long. I have been lazy. I have been lacking in recovery. I have been wrapped up with "the others" Combination of all of it I guess. I am fighting through it. Still going to meetings. Not nearly enough, but still going. I know this too shall pass. I am going to make an effort. Not because I have to but because I want to and its good for me. Thanks to everyone that checked up on me. I am doing well... happy for the most part. Still dealing with the day to day. I am getting better at letting go of somethings and most likely picking up new vices.
One of the key characteristics of an ACOA is the tendency to have a black and white perspective. It's always all or nothing with me. When I do it... I do it 150% and when I am bored of it I move on to the next thing. Balance is something I lack. So, this is my reattempt at balance. Germany got the ball rolling for me. The trip was amazing but the lack of schedule took a toll on me. It was too easy to change patterns that were still so fresh in the making. I have been struggling since I have been home to get back into a routine. I need to say this all out loud because it is easy to ignore if I don't. I have been more social again lately. I started dating again. All good things in moderation, but when any one thing dominates that's where the trouble lies. I know the drill. I haven't been reading my devotionals and my talking to HP is less. I need to get back on the horse.

So much has been going on in my life. Maybe that's part of the problem too. I have so much to say all the time. I never know where to begin. I guess right here would be a good place. For now I am back... just for today.

Today I am grateful for:

People who care about me and my well being
A HP that loves me even when I turn my back
LOST Season 5
Having a job for today
Being self-sufficient
Shrimp Fried Rice

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Playing Catch Up- Part 1

I have so much to write about and so much to catch up on. I am having difficulty finding a place to start. I have a feeling that my next few posts will be long... winding and paraphrasing from Cat.. with some short trips to crazy town. My trip to Germany was wonderful. It was full of fun, love, laughter... a little frustration and acceptance... and gratitude for my family and my home. I find myself happy to be home with a schedule, program and a sense of order.

I am going to post some pictures as well and summary of events for both all of you and myself. I was not as good at journaling as I would have liked to have been while in Europe. Little L. and I left on Saturday December 20, 2008 and arrived in Hamburg, Germany Sunday December 21, 2008. We had no weather delays but sat on the tarmac for two hours prior to our flight due to a broken plane in front of us. My trip over was how shall I say... miserable. We had two children behind us who proceeded to kick the back of our seats for the full seven and half hour flight. All bratty children aside we made it safely and I was more than happy to see my sister and her husband. I would also like to take a moment to say that for us codey's flying really is a brilliant lesson in letting go. I mean talk about the lack of control. I nearly had an anxiety attack waiting for my luggage to come. What an awful feeling that is. Sitting there watching everyone Else's luggage drop out of that little hole. All in all no lost luggage and safe trip to my sisters apartment about an hour away in a town called Bremen, Germany. It is an adorable little city with above ground trams and a river running through it. It is actually the town that Becks Beer is produced. We took a tour of the brewery the second week of our trip. The process is actually pretty cool.

***So that everyone has some clue-- I have curly hair (in most of the pictures) and I am the oldest of the three. OK is middle child and is tan (she goes tanning because its the only way she can deal with the lack of sun in North West Germany) and Little L. is obviously the youngest and the one with the incredible green eyes. Chatzy (which means honey or darling in German- and the nickname that we chose and he cant live down) is basically the only male you will see in all of the pictures. Lucky him ;)

Christmas Markets

I had never seen OK's apartment before, so it was nice to put a visual with all the explanations. They have a cute modern one bedroom about a five minute walk from the city. We had lunch, took a nap and in the evening headed out to the Christmas market. The Christmas markets in Germany are amazing. They start at the end of November and last all the way until Christmas eve. They construct houses filled with food, drink and shops. Each night everyone meets at the market to eat, drink, and enjoy time with friends and family. We spent three nights in total at the markets eating Bratwursts, potato pancakes, fried fish, chocolate and this great wine drink called Gluewhein. You heat red wine and then set flame to sugar cane and pour rum over the cane. Everything melts together to create a hot, sweet, killer of a hangover drink. Little L. and I met many of my sisters friends. A few of them, she teaches English to and they were excited to practice their skills with us. It was a nice treat for me because I was able to actually speak and understand someone. Much of the trip the four of us were only able to communicate with each other. You have no idea how tiring that gets sometimes.
German Christmas

Christmas eve we went to Chatzy's moms house. We started eating at 3PM and didn't finished until almost 10PM. I thought I might pop. It is German custom that you eat dessert first on Christmas Eve. Mama makes this delicious baked apple that she cores and fills with marzipan, raisins, sugar and nuts. There is a picture of it that above. After dessert hour we toast and chat. Then there is the cheese plate and presents. They use real candles on their Christmas trees. It is truly beautiful. The first candles are gold and then red there after. Finally, after presents comes dinner. We enjoyed a spread of Mediterranean food and happily put our traditional new pajamas on... finally crawling into bed after 11PM. Christmas morning brought another spread for brunch and then we rolled ourselves to the car in order to drive home to have our own "American Christmas" with gifts from each other and my mom. We decorated the tree, opened presents in turn, sang Christmas songs, made dinner and opened stockings. We all missed my mom very much, but we made a video of us and will send it to her to watch. It was an especially special Christmas because the three girls were together as adults. I was able to purchase special presents for each of them and it felt good to be able to spend money and not have to worry about bouncing my rent check. I feel grateful that I am finally in a place where I can give to myself and others.
American Christmas

We all chipped in to make Christmas dinner which was lamb, German dumplings, brussel sprouts and salad. We watched 'Friends' together and headed to bed at a reasonable hour because we had to catch a flight to Milan, Italy the next day. I think I will stop there for today. Italy is an interesting adventure and I think best left for another day.

My trip also included an overload on my self-esteem, a struggle to follow program in the midst of two weeks without meetings, tolerance of four adults living in a one bedroom apartment and a whole hell of a lotta time with family. I love my sisters very much, I would die for them, but let me tell you sometimes I really wanna kill them myself. It taught me acceptance and tolerance- and lack there of tolerance at some points. The trip brought out some of my best qualities and some defects that need to be changed. I have come to see that my self-dialogue with and about myself is not really so good. Now it is up to me to try to change that.
Today I am grateful for:
My family
My God
The opportunity to spend time with my sisters and to go to Europe
One day at a time

Monday, January 5, 2009

I'm Baaack!

Hi everyone! I am home safe and sound and just a little jet lagged... I just started reading posts. I think it is going to take me a little while.

I had a wonderful time in Germany and I cant wait to tell you about it... oh and post LOTS of pictures.

Until then Peace and Serenity.