I am taking a little time out this morning to breathe and have a few moments of silence. Everythin here is great but the constant flow of people can be a litle stressful. I can tell I have not been to an Al-Anon meeting in a week. This is a little time to focus on me and talk to HP righ now. It is difficult living with 4 people when you are used to living alone. At least now I recognize that it is probably not easy for everyone else either. I recognize when I am feeling stressed and out of control. I notice I start to clean. I cleaned my sister's apartment this morning. Not such a bad outlet for my craziness. The old me would have been miserable... started yelling etc.
I constantly have to remind myself that everyone has there own way of doing and dealing with things and my way is not the right way for THEM. Overall everything here is really wonderful. We have been having a lot of fun and there have been no fights. I think it is important that we all pay attention to our bodies and not try to pack too much in all of the time. We decided to stay home and make pizza last night and I am sure that it was the right decision. We were all able to get a good nights sleep.
Here is what I am struggling with today... I just want to complain for a moment and then move on. OK's husband is slow as mollases and has poor time manangememnt. Drives me crazy. We are always late for everything. I have been doing well (and OK does the same) with just letting him do his own thing. We leave for the train and if he misses it oh well. Its Christmas Eve and I am missing my mom. I am missing my mom anyway. I am missing my apartment and my bed and my schedule. The way I do things. This has really helped with appreciating living alone too. A lot of times I complain about being single... today I am VERY grateful for that. I am hating the weather here and how everyone else in my family has straight hair but me and I feel out of place because it is always misty and rainy and grumpy. This sounds so shallow. But EVERYONE in Germany has straight here but me and I sort of feel like a freak. I just feel a disturbance in "The Force" within myself if you will. I am headng for a shower and will take a few moments to talk to God and sort things out.
Today is going to be a wonderful day and overall I am truly grateful for everything in my life. I am so lucky and today I recognize that. I am happy to be able to recognize gratitude and that I am spending the day with my sisters and her husband. I am grateful that I get to experience a German Christmas. I am grateful that even though I am thousands of miles away from home I still have a network of recovery.
Greetings from Germany! I just wanted to say thank you for everyone wh said prayers for me. I talked to Little L. and worked everything out. We are having so much fun here. The plane ride was long and not very much fun bu we made it safely. HP had some good lessons in Letting go of what I have no control over. Exampe: broken plane ahead of us that caused us to sit on the tarmac for 2 hours before take off. :)
It has been a wonderful visit so far. We have had very full days and the jet lag is pretty much over with. All we have done is eat good food and drink germain beer and this hot wine drink called gluehwein. It's yummy. We had traditional Bavarian German on Sunday night and last night we had potato pancakes and some yummy meat at the Christmas market. The market is really fun with beautifully contsructed houses selling food, presents and wine. Everyone gather together in the sqaure to enjoy each others company. Today we will go to happy hour in Bremen and then come home and cook dinner and decorate the Christmas tree.
It has been nice to spend time with my sisters and to be able to share with them my experience with ACOA. We read the laundry list this morning for Adult Children. We all laughed at how much we related to everything on the list.
I hope everyone has a peaceful and joyful Holiday. Thanks for all the love and support. I have a lot of Catching up to do on blogs. Peace and Serenity.
Today I am grateful for:
My trip to Germany My family Christmas Good food and drink laughing HP Saying what I mean and meaning what I say (most of the time)
I had an Al-Anon slip this morning. Right now I am feeling angry, frustrated and a little guilty. I figured I should right about it to get it out. As most of you know I leave tomorrow for my vacation. I am looking forward to the trip very much. I will be going with Little L, who is 19. She has been a source of stress for me as of late and although she is not an alcoholic I consider her one of my currentl qualifiers due to her ACOA behaviors. Honestly, she reminds me exactly of my father (the alcoholic in my household growing up) and sometimes it is very difficult for me to deal with her. She is the only one in my immediate family that does not have a program which means it requires me to work extra hard at my own program when we are together. - Also, hence the tiny bit of stress about 2 weeks in Germany with her.
She is a sophomore in college living on campus. She recently starting dating a new boyfriend and has found a new group of friends. I am happy for her but with this new life she has basically forgotten about her old life.. including family, responsibility and respect, in my opinion of course. I am doing my best to remember that she is only 19 and when I was that age I did MANY things that I wouldn't dream of doing now. It is difficult because she has always acted much older than her age. She loves to be treated like an adult but does not like the responsibilities and consequences that come with it. More recently she has stopped returning my calls, messages and texts. I have been struggling with this. I have huge issues surrounding the situation and much of it derives back to her/our childhood and my mom's lack of parenting for a time. The story is so long and complicated but basically my sister and I are 9 years apart and in a lot of ways we were raised in two totally different families. I lived with active alcoholism and my sister lived with my dad basically gone from her life. When my mom and dad finally divorced, my mom spent the next 6 years pretending like she had no kids. Unfortunately Little L was still very young and was raised by myself and no one. She spent her entire senior year living alone in our house because my mom would spend weekends at her boyfriends house 100 miles north.
That being said, that doesn't exactly jive well with my control freak co-dependant self! It drives me crazy and I have a very hard time letting go. Especially since she is the youngest and my role has always been a second mother to her. Problem is I am not her mother. And I have no right to tell her what she should and shouldn't do. I struggle A LOT! with this. So currently I have been trying to contact her about our trip to Germany and she has not returned my calls. I wanted to let her know to put money in my sisters German account so we wouldn't have to pay extra fees. (Especially since she, in my opinion used her money unwisely through out the year and now has basically nothing saved for the trip). I have still yet to get her to return my call. And ya hooo tonight we are all having our Christmas dinner. Fun times.
I was talking to my mom about it this morning. Which I need to stop doing because she is not my sponsor and she is obviously too close to the whole situation. And of course I got angry and resentful- my favorite defense tool. And of course my mom took offense which in turn made me more angry. And it turned into this whole big saga. And I was like mom this is not about you. Its about me... of course. Ha! So now I feel badly and I should have just blogged here and avoided the whole big mess. I know this post is full of expectations and judgements... I am not writing to be Al-Anon-ed to death. I am becoming aware of all the moving parts and most importantly my part in the situation. I just need some love, and prayers, support and maybe a few suggestions on how to let this garbage go so that I can enjoy my vacation because really I love my family very much and I am so grateful for all the amazing things in my life.
Today I am grateful for a busy day at work. It helped to make the time fly by.
Today I am grateful that my mommy's present just arrived via UPS. I was getting a little worried.
Today I am grateful that my co-worker brought in leftover chicken cutlets she made for dinner last night. They were super yummy!
Today I am grateful that it is my home ACOA meeting. I am looking forward to volunteering for service again. And also I am happy that I am able to attend one last meeting before I had overseas.
Today I am grateful for one more day of work before I am lucky enough to have 2 whole weeks off.
Today I am grateful for Christmas right around the corner
Today I am grateful that I am getting better and feeling better. I find myself able to use the program more often than not. And even though sometimes it takes a little time I am able to get out of the funk that used to last for days and sometimes weeks.
Today I am grateful for a loving and all knowing God- who guides me when I let him and who still loves me even when I don't.
Today I am grateful for my friends and family who have taken the time out of their busy schedules to see me before Christmas because I will be away.
Today I am grateful that I am able to make better decisions. I am able to let go of things and give them to my Higher Power.
Today I am grateful to reconnect with old friends from my childhood through the lovely network of facebook.
Today I am grateful that K1 took me to see Neil Young on Tuesday night and it was like a spiritual experience. It was an amazing concert and brought me back so many times to my childhood. He was great and he ended his encore with a Tom Waits song and then The Beatles, A Day In the Life. Pretty rad!
Today I am grateful for all my blogging friends- for their love and support and caring.
Today I am grateful that I actually take the time to be grateful. Because for a long time I just thought the world was always supposed to revolve around me (although sometimes I still do)
Hi Everyone! I have so much catching up to do. I have been super busy preparing for my trip to Germany. There is so much to get in order before Saturday. I have been cleaning, Christmas shopping, wrapping and catching up with friends before I leave on my two week journey. Everything here is great with me. I can't remember the last time I have said that. I feel such a peace and serenity the last week or two. It's not that I don't still have problems, but my overall attitude, practice of the program and relationship with HP has been helping me with gratitude.
Some quick updates. I had a wonderful day with my mom on Saturday. We went to the Christmas market in Union Square in NYC. We shopped and had lunch. We talked and laughed and caught up. I told her about my program and she talked about hers and what helped her in Al-Anon. We talked about family and K2. She said she has noticed that I seem to be in a better place about the situation. I agreed. I see how completely powerless I am with the situation. It makes it all easier to let go of that way. I spent Sunday home giving my puppy a hair cut and cleaning my apartment. I have noticed that I don't mind spending time along anymore. I went to church on Sunday and made a big pot of chili in the afternoon. I am starting to do things I like instead of always worrying about everyone else.
I am finished shopping and I am just waiting for the rest of my on-line purchases to show up. I started wrapping presents last night and need to think about the mountain of laundry that needs to be done in order for me to pack. I have something to do each night in order to have everything squared away for Saturday.
I helped chair a meeting yesterday afternoon and was asked to qualify when I return from Germany. I have my business meeting on Thursday at my home ACOA and plan to volunteer again for service. I am making connections in meetings and writing out my Christmas cards. Dinner tomorrow with a good friend and celebrating Christmas with my mom, her boyfriend and my youngest sister on Friday night.
God is helping me to see all the amazing things in my life and everything I have to be grateful for. Oh, and it's been snowing her in NY today. :)
Today I am grateful for:
My gratitude HP Holiday season Germany- 4 days! Everyone here in the blogo-sphere Steps 1,2,3 SNOW Oh, and maybe free tickets to Neil Young tonight! He has been my favorite singer since I was like 5 years old
This is the good part. Where I finally come around. I wake up and smell the coffee if you will. I hope I didn't offend anyone with part 1. Like I said before, this is uniquely my experience. I do not claim that any church/religion is bad. Certain ones just weren't for me. That is my official disclaimer.
Since returning to Al-Anon I have been struggling to redefine my relationship with HP, as I call Him... God. I grew up in the Christian vain and at this point I do continue to believe in many of those principals. I believe God is forgiving and loving and is not the harsh punisher that I have been taught he is. I struggle with the idea that if you are gay, lesbian, Jewish etc.. you will not go to heaven. I believe that it is between me and God or you and God or whoever and God to work things out when the time comes. I know how I feel and that's all that I can control. I have a hard time with communion and the body and blood of Christ... do you get my point? I still have many questions. BUT, if I continue to pray and grow in my relationship with God all answers will come in time.
This brings me to my new Episcopal church that I have been testing out. It is only a few blocks away and they have many outreach programs in the area. I vote there and I have attended some book fairs and art shows in the space. Almost three weeks ago I gave it a go. It was a little nerve racking because I sometimes get uncomfortable when strangers come up to me and start a conversation. But, it wasn't so bad. The church has a bad, not just a choir, which I think is great because I love to sing at church. I believe that church should be fun. I like to sing, dance, clap hands. The pastor of the church is a woman. I have never heard a woman pastor speak before and it was amazing. I felt connected in a way I have never felt before. There was such an acute understanding. In her sermon she referenced art, literature, architecture and I thought that was great. I consider myself and artist (though on a long hiatus) and her connection were brilliant. Her sermon was about walking through life asleep. How many of us sleep through most of our lives and wake up one day to see how much time has been wasted. She said that there are many reasons why we sleep through life. Fear, addiction, anger etc. She referenced Alcoholism more than once and I really felt that God was speaking through her directly to me. I mean what church talks about alcoholism and drug addiction? No church I attended before. She spoke how important it is for us to be awake, to face our fears and live each day to the best of our ability. I was so moved by the sermon that last week I showed up again.
I talked to some more people and felt a little more comfortable. Her sermon this past week was about John the Baptist. According to the bible Jesus said that John the Baptist is basically as good as it gets. He was and amazing man of God, and that is because he knew two things. 1. he knew that there was a light, and that light was not him. 2. That John the Baptist knew that there was a power greater than himself. Okay, at this point I am freaking out because obviously the pastor knows all about me and wrote this sermon just for me. I was amazed. She was speaking the program to me through Gods word. Now, I am a firm believer that there are many ways to a relationship with a Higher Power. All I am saying is that for ME this was just a miracle. I spoke with the pastor after church to express my gratitude. In our talking I mentioned how I felt that the sermon was meant for me and that I am in Al-Anon etc... and she said to me, that's great. I am in Al-Anon too! How amazing is that? My pastor is in Al-Anon. And she brought me over and introduced me to some other women in the Program. What a miracle. God truly works in amazing ways when I let him.
Obviously that sealed the deal for me. I plan on attending the church regularly. I may have questions but I am certain if I continue to grow in my relationship with God and trust him all of those questions will be answered.
This is my cool coming back to church story. I will preface it with a very short version... okay a not so very short version of why I left. Have any of you notice I like to talk a lot. People tell me that.. hmm.. I have been Catholic, Agnostic, Baptist, Non-Denominational, Evangelical and now apparently Episcopalian. Who knew? My mom grew up evangelical... holy hands, speaking in tongues the holy spirit etc. As you all may know my mom was married very young (15) and dad (17). When she and my dad moved on their own they decided, well I guess my mom decided that it is important not to force children to go to church and practice any specific religion. I think, due to childhood experiences on my mom's part she had(s) certain issues with the church, doctrines etc. -Although that is my mom's story, so I will let her tell it. I went to catholic school from the time I was in kindergarten to 6th grade. It was the best schooling in my town. Of course I wanted to fit in with the other children so I went through the act of baptism and I think even confirmation. After 6th grade I attended public school and Catholicism went out the window. In my teenage years I refuted the mere existence of God and took to exploring many spiritual beliefs. My aunt is how do I say... eccentric to say the least. She introduced me to Buddhism, Hinduism, Witchcraft, Native American Spiritualism just to name a few. Nothing fit.
When I was a junior in High School my parents were going through the toughest time in their marriage. This eventually led to divorce and one of the most difficult times in my life. My mom started participating in a non-denominational church and I met a group of kids from our local Baptist church with a really great youth group. This was a very dark time in my life and and their promise of happiness and salvation intrigued me. I dove in head first to the Baptist church. It wasn't long before I was accepting Jesus into my heart, going to church 4 times a week and preaching the good word to all that would listen. Jump to senior year of HS and my acceptance into the Art Institute of Boston (Great school if any of you know about art) and my deposit for Fall 1998. Hold the phone. This is me forfeiting my deposit and applying to Liberty University because it is not Godly for me to go to a secular school. Actually, it is not Godly for me to be an artist because it is too much of the secular world and not God's will. Fall 1998. I am now in Lynchburg, VA signing away my life for the next year. No rated R movies, no cursing of any kind, no holding hands on campus, no pants, no art...This list goes on! I have always felt that church, faith etc. is the foundation of who I am. Everything I learned as a child/teenager has prepared me to make good moral decisions in my adulthood. I had a very difficult time with the idea of taking away all of our choices right at the time we should be putting the teachings of God to practical use.
I do not wish to offend anyone, I truly believe that everyone is on their own journey, but (come on you knew there was a but) in my experience this year of my life was terrible. I feel like I was in a cult... I was not allowed to express my own feelings. I felt the hypocrisy ran rampant. God's people failed me time and time again. I felt abandoned, judged, abused, beaten and hurt. All in all the experience turned me away from not only the church, but from God. It sealed the deal on religion for me. I wanted no part of God, spirituality, a communion of people.
It is now 2008. Wow, 10 long years! 6 months ago I started going to ACOA. I have been in and out of the rooms over the years, but have never stayed long. When I came back to the Program in July I finally realized how unmanageable my life had become. I am no longer in my early 20's and can not blame my mess on just being young. I am almost 29 years old and I finally realize that its time to make some changes, time to like myself, and time to give this God thing another try. It has been a long and difficult road. Over the last several months I have taken a new perspective on God, on my spirituality... on the bible, and Jesus, and church and all the things I thought I believed. I have come to see that I was not angry at God... I was angry at the people. And people are only human. They do the best they can. With this revelation my ability to trust in God continues to grow. Three weeks ago I decided to check out the church down the street. It is Episcopalian. Although I don't agree with everything I am taking the "take what you like and leave the rest" approach. My relationship with my HP is growing and He will take care of the rest.
Okay, so I want to take some time and gather my thoughts about my new found faith. to be continued...
Today I am grateful for:
Home ACOA meeting
The opportunity to use my Graphic Design skills at work today.
Spending Christmas with my sisters
The Christmas gift I bought my sister. She is going to love it
Prayer and Mantras that get me through the days
My mom's patience with me
Yummy tuna salad... I made some last night for dinner and had leftover today. I could eat it for wa week straight
I am feeling unsettled and a little grumpy at the moment so I thought this would be as good a time as any to write about all the good things going on in my life right now. I read my devotional this morning in 'One Day At a Time in Al-Anon' and it talked about learning to see everything with a "fresh eye." I am so quick to point out the negatives in my life that often times I don't stop to appreciate all the happiness.
The most exciting thing going on for me right now is my trip to Europe in less than two weeks. My middle sister lives in Germany with her husband and my youngest sister and I will be flying out there in less than two weeks to visit them. We are going for two whole weeks!!! I am so excited. I have not had this much time off since college. I think it is going to be a really great trip. We leave on the 20th and don't get back until January 3rd. During the middle weekend of our vacation we are flying to Milan, Italy for four days. I have never been to Italy. It is going to be so great. I will be sure to take thousands of pictures to bore you all with when I get back. I am happy that the three of us will be together for the holiday. I am a little sad as well because this will be the first Christmas I have ever spent without my mom and I am 28 years old. I think she is sad too, but happy that the three of us will be together. My mom has her boyfriend and his family to spend the holidays with so I know she will not be alone. We will be spending Christmas eve at my sister's husbands families house. Christmas eve is the big event in Germany. We will decorate the tree, open presents and have a wonderful meal together. German tradition is to have dessert first before any other course. I thought that was silly at first but the change of pace is a lot of fun. There is a great Christmas market (P.S. that picture above is the market, cool huh) in the town my sister lives in and we will get to enjoy that for three days. We will have our own Christmas dinner the next day with just the four of us where will will exchange our own presents. We leave the day after Christmas for Italy. OK and Chatz live in North West Germany so it will be pretty cold there. I always ask her why she couldn't have chosen someplace tropical. Oh well. I am hoping to check out some museums, see some great architecture, eat some great food and drink some yummy beer. Becks is brewed in the town my sister lives. I am very much looking forward to the trip and spending time with my sisters. We are all so different, but yet in our adulthood have really (for the most part) come to accept, understand and love one another.
Another good thing, which I mentioned the other day is my fantasy football league. There are 12 of us in total and I am now in round 3 of the play offs and the only woman left. I totally love football... like don't miss a game, glued to the TV, every man's dream love football. My team name is 'Livin On A Prayer' which seems appropriate because every week I should lose but my team manages to pull it out in the end. I am a huge NE Patriots fan oh and Boston Red Sox. (I am sure I just made tons of enemies right here). But like it or not I was born and raised in NE. This is my first fantasy league and I'm pretty stoked at how well I have done and how much I have learned. I like being able to talk intelligently about the game. I really find it annoying when chics pretend to like the game in order to get a guys attention. No time for that nonsense.
Lastly, and I am almost afraid to jinx it... I have been feeling much better about K2. I still miss him, but this week has not been consumed with thoughts of him and us and what I want to be. We talked last Wednesday for awhile and I think I finally heard him for the first time. I am always so quick to hear the 'I love you' and disregard the BUT that comes after it. I finally hear the BUT and realized how absolutely powerless I am over the whole thing. That has helped immensely over the last week. I have made it my mantra for the last week to say and do steps 1,2,3 every day. Today I am powerless over alcohol, over K2, over anyone but myself. If I try to exert power over them my life will be unmanageable. Today I believe that my HP, God can restore me to sanity. Today I make the decision to turn my life and will over to you, God. I repeat this over and over whenever I need to.
And lastly, I have started going to church again. I have a really amazing HP is totally in control story about church but this post is already too long and I know a lot of you are skimming through (not that I ever do that **big grin**) Church has been good. I am taking the "take what you like and leave the rest approach" right now. It seems to be working.
Today I am grateful for:
Feeling better about my rotten mood after pointing out all the good in my life
My upcoming vacation
Having money to Christmas shop this year.. actually having money to pay all of my bills on time and not having to worry about checks bouncing
'Six Feet Under'- its totally one of the best shows ever and I can totally relate program to it all of the time
I have fallen behind on my blogging and reading. I will catch up soon. I have missed everyone. So here goes. Thank you Syd for the honesty award.
Here are the rules:
I have to list 10 honest things about myself, and then pass the award on to 7 bloggers.
So here it is:
1. I have to admit that I like girly pop music- Britney Spears, Kelly Clarkson, Mandy Moore and oh yes even Paris Hilton (don't judge me).
2. I have honestly thought and considered hurting myself (without the intent of death) in order to gain some one's attention and love.
3. When I was a kid I used to think my stuffed animals had feelings. I took turns sleeping with all of them because I didn't want anyone to feel bad.
4. I was born in Riverside, RI and lived in the same house my mom was raised in from the time she was 7. We moved to Tabernacle, NJ when I was 15 and a freshman in High school. I hated my parents for taking me away from everything and everyone I loved. Today, I believe it was one of the best decisions my parents made for me.
5. I am allergic to artificial red coloring. When I was 17 I ate a red freeze pop and had an anaphylactic reaction. I was rushed to the hospital and almost went into shock. I no longer eat anything with red dye and I am supposed to always carry an eppy-pen.
6. I still look for K2's blue SUV when I am walking up my street.
7. I have webbed toes!
8. I was afraid to drive as a teenager. I did not get my licence until I was almost 19 years old. My mom made me.
9. I am not a big sweets person. Most people want dessert after a meal. I almost never crave chocolate. I would much prefer a big bowl of pasta or a plate of rice and beans.
10. I honestly believe that my father will drink until the day he dies.
Okay, I think almost everyone has received this award by now, but there may be a few of you left...
Alright, I think that is all of you. Thanks so much again to everyone here. I don't think I can express in words how much all of you help me. It is so nice to know that I have so many people caring and praying for me. As you may be able to tell I am in much better spirits over the last few days. More about that tomorrow.
Today I am grateful for:
Steps 1,2,3- Daily
I am the only girl left in my fantasy football league. I am seriously kicking some butt!
Busy work days
Less than two weeks until Germany and the holidays!
Warmer weather here in NY
Knowing that this too shall pass... peace and acceptance
Here is a great big thank you to Syd for the honesty award. That is huge for me and means I am doing something right. It is almost time for me to go but I will work on my 10 honest things over the weekend. This will be fun!
In the mean time just a thank you for everyone who has been supporting me. I feel like I have been on a seesaw this week.. and not a fun one. It means so much to me. I would like to say a great big TGIF! to everyone. Have a wonderful weekend... its gonna be brrrrrrr here in NYC this weekend. Here is a very happy and very humble and very grateful gratitude list to start my weekend.
Today I am grateful for:
My HP, whom I chose to call God
Home ACOA meeting- its like my very own miracle once a week
Connecting with friends
Knowing... really knowing that I have people in my life who love and care for me
Friday! It is my favorite day of the week
Knowing that "this too shall pass"
Learning new lessons
The opportunity to spend my Christmas holiday in Germany with my two sisters
For my job (even when its boring)- and the fact that they are letting me take two whole weeks off over the holidays to go play in Europe
My family, particularly my mom and sisters. They are my heart and soul
The holiday season even if that means annoying tourists in my city
A better tomorrow
Working at it
All my new blogger friends who have reached out and accepted me just he way I am today
Thank you everyone for your love and support even when and most importantly when I don't want to hear it. It can be quite difficult to face your demons. I know I have a lot of character defects I need to work on, but for today I am proud of myself for at least speaking them out loud. There was a time where I would have never recognized my need for change. Today everything seems just a little brighter. I am happy to be getting my feelings out there... working through them and actually paying attention to my feelings and thoughts. Sometimes I feel that I am complaining or that I am obsessing (usually I am). I realized it doesn't matter though. Writing in this blog is for me... and I can say whatever I damn well please. I don't need to worry about being boring, ugly, unfunny, annoying or any of the other million bad things that can pop into my head. This blog is for me and my healing. That being said I certainly hope that I am able to reach others, help others and I certainly appreciate the love and support. It is just important for me to acknowledge that I am doing this for me and my recovery.
I have never really told my story and I don't much have the patience for it today. Steve-O-roni was asking if I was AA. I am not... although that does not make me a stranger to the many members. I consider myself ACOA, Al anon-er and newly recovering (certainly not newly realized) Cody. My father is my main qualifier. He still actively drinks. My mom was my codependant inspiration. Boy, was a good learner! I have since been involved with and befriended many other alcoholics, addicts and adult children. I am only just now in the last (almost 6 months) beginning to unravel my past and begin the recovery process.
Too warn down to discuss in detail my conversation with K2 last night. All I can say is that it is bringing me one step further in the recovery process. Yesterday was bad, today is a lot better. I could not see the light at the end of the tunnel yesterday... today I can. I will go to my home ACOA meeting tonight and keep plugging along one day at a time.
I haven't been to a meeting in over a week. I went to church Sunday and thought that would do the trick. It did not. I haven't been avoiding a meeting... life has just sort of gotten in the way of things this past week. The holiday, busy at work. And now it's Wednesday. Tomorrow is my home ACOA. I will not miss that. It's really amazing how fast I slip when I am not constantly surrounding myself with recovery. I need to find a sponsor. I have been dragging my feet on this. Just showing up is no longer enough.
Now I really need to tell on myself. I have been avoiding this now and its painful to write. As you all well know I continue to struggle with my relationship with K2. It is this constant source of confusion for me. Almost two weeks ago I ended communication between us. You can read "Moving Forward". Well two nights ago, in a moment of weakness I sent him a text message telling that I am not as strong as he thinks because I miss him and all of this isn't going away. I shouldn't have done it. I should have called someone (here's where sponsor would have come in handy). I should have slept on it. I didn't. He didn't text me back... Of course I was hurt I didn't hear from him and sad that he didn't immediately validate my feelings. A small part of me appreciated the fact that he was being the strong one. Well... he called last night. I was out to dinner and missed the call. As soon as I heard the missed call something inside me knew it was him. He left a message. He asked me to call him back. He said he would be busy for the next few hours and if I missed him he would call me tomorrow.
I opened a can of worms. I want to take his call. I have to go through all of this all over again now. I failed. I just don't get it. I know the drill... I know I have to let go. I know I need to accept things for the way they are... blah blah blah. I don't think anyone can say anything I don't know or haven't heard. Why do I fight it so much? I made this big declaration of moving on and moving forward and not even two weeks later I find myself in a very familiar place. I like here. I must. If I didn't I wouldn't keep coming back. Sometimes I feel like this is all so trivial. Like I have no right to be so involved in this because so many people have bigger problems than me. But I love him. I am in love with him and I just have so much pain associated with our relationship because I thought we would get married and having a loving committed relationship together. I have been in love twice in my life. My first long term boyfriend lasted 4 years. 3 years and about 360 days too long. When he broke up with me I was devastated, but I knew for sure that it was the right thing. He broke up with me because I didn't have the strength to do it myself. I don't feel that way with K2. It feels so wrong. Like its not supposed to happen this way. Ha ha... listen to me. Who am I to say what should happen. God is in control... not me. I need to get that through my thick head.
It doesn't change how I feel. I want to tell him I love you. I am in love with you. I don't want to abandon you. I am in it for the long haul. I don't want to fix you (well sometimes I do, but I'm getting better). I want to love you and be your friend. I want the same from you. I don't want you to make things better. I want you to love me. I want you to be my friend. I want you to support me in healthy ways. I want you to take care of yourself. I want to take care of myself. And I want to lovingly and appropriately take care of each other. I want you to know my true feelings about us... I don't want to be strong. I don't want to be afraid to tell you these things because of fear of rejection. I want to say that loving oneself and loving someone else is a lifelong process. You don't need to be alone until you get there. I want to cry. I miss you. I miss telling you things. I miss not having to say anything. I miss the unspoken understanding. I want you to be able to say today I need my space. And I want to trust you and give you that space. I want to accept you for who you are. I want to know that it is okay to have appropriate expectations of love, honesty and respect. That doesn't mean each of always needing to be right. It doesn't mean a ring on my finger. It doesn't mean needing you to always hold my hand. I support you. I respect your boundaries. I respect that people don't change but if there is a real desire they can compromise. I want happiness. I want happiness for you. I want for us to be able to be happy together.
I would like to acknowledge my anger and resentment today. They are two of my most common symptoms of this awful disease. The feelings and behaviors often creep in without me even realizing it. I have always chosen to do things the hard way. I have the attitude that I can do anything... I can do it on my own... and I can most likely do it better than you. You meaning everyone. It has always been that way.
I am the oldest of three. My father is still actively drinking and has been since I can remember. My mom was the perfect co-dependant. My mom and father were married very young. My mom was 15 and my dad was 17. They were married for 23 years. He drank for 21 of those years. Little L and I are 9 years apart. my mom was sexually molested as a child. My father is the child of an alcoholic. It is the perfect breeding ground for dysfunction. in my adult (and not so adult life) dated my own alcoholics or adult children. It truly is a vicious cycle.
Back to anger and resentment. Anger was usually my only form of communication. It played in nicely as I hit teenage-dom and associated myself as a weird-artsy-feminist-liberal-granola-bitch type. I fit nicely into the role of outcast. It allowed me to hurt without really being noticed. I have always held so much anger towards men, my father in particular. I suppose much of it has spilled out into other areas of my life. I saw my mom constantly making excuses for my father all of the time and ended up just like her. Funny how that works.
I have an overwhelming need to take care of people. If I take care of you, then maybe you will love me. But when I take care of you... I also resent you. Resent having to care take. Resent people not being able to take care of themselves. I hate asking for help. I always have. I would rather die trying than actually admit I can't do something on my own. And I resent people who can't do anything. I resent people who can actually ask for help. My mind tells me that I deserve to do everything the hard way. Punishment of sorts. I think I am always right. My way is always the best way, right? When someone doesn't do things the way that I want then it makes me angry. Anger for me is my most comfortable form of expression. Maybe its because no matter how angry I got my father never cared. He never raised his voice. He never argued. He would just sit there. He never cared. My mom used to yell a lot. Never did any good. Maybe that's why I am so comfortable with anger. I can count the times on one hand I ever saw anyone in my family cry. It just didn't happen. And when it did, it was behind closed doors. People crying still makes me uncomfortable to this day. After everything that K2 and I have been through over the last 8 months. I never once cried in front of him. I couldn't. I cried after he was gone. It has always been a sign of weakness.
My mom and I were on the phone today. We were talking about Little L. I forget how young she is sometimes. I know I was a wretch at her age. She is 19. In so many ways she is so much older than that. I have to remember what it was like to be 19. I was upset with some of her behaviors over the holiday weekend and I was discussing them with my mom. She told me that I need to be mindful of my anger and resentment. I can't expect everyone to be like me. I cant everyone to act the way I think is appropriate. I can't be resentful towards the fact that I am a care taker and Little L isn't. We are many years apart and we had very different childhoods. I shouldn't do things for others if I cant have a good attitude about it.
It upsets me that I have this anger and resentment inside of me. It upsets me that I act inappropriate sometimes. But. There is a silver lining to all of this. I didn't freak out on my mom today. I listened to her. I agreed with much of what she had to say. I acknowledged the behavior and I was able to see my part in it. I might not be able to change it all at once but at least I am not denying it. A few months ago I would have freaked out on my mom and cursed her up and down. Today I can see that this is something I need to work on... something I need to be mindful of. This is all really hard. Really really hard.
Today I am grateful for:
Being able to see someone else's side
Healing old wounds
20 minutes left in the day
Dinner with my boss last night and his reassurance about my job
I didn't sleep well again last night. I am pretty sure I was dreaming but I cant remember the details. I used to sleep so well before K2. He must have rubbed off on me. I woke up this morning annoyed at my alarm. It was so nice not being told what to do for those wonderful four days. Alarm went off. Grumpy me got up. Grumpy me got in the shower. Grumpy me got even grumpier when I realized I would be in work in an hour.
I start having anxiety come about 4PM on Sunday afternoon. I have to put it aside because it gets so bad that sometimes it can ruin my whole evening. I hate Monday anxiety. What a drag. I find whenever I am sad or anxious about something I really have to concentrate my positive energy. Not wanting to go to work can easily turn into missing K2, thoughts of self-hatred, depression etc. How easy those feelings can creep in.
Good news. I can usually stop myself now. I give my hurt and pain a few minutes or hours and then put it in a box. Done.
Today I am grateful for:
My trip to Germany Christmas
P.S. I went to church yesterday. I will blog more tomorrow :)