Wednesday, November 12, 2008

A Long and Winding Road

It has been busy here at work over the past week or so and I am one of probably five people left who does not have the Internet at home. I know, you cant believe it. Honestly its refreshing... I just got cable and that is bad enough. The last thing I need is 24/7 access to the world wide web. I am blessed to have a job where I have full Internet access and plenty of time to use it. That being said, when Big Bad Boss (who really isn't so bad at all) is in town I have zero time to play. He is now gone, and I now have time to play.

I have finally had time to catch up on blogs and do a little extra reading. I am so grateful for everyone here... I have recently been reading up on every one's stories and I am so humbled and grateful at God's Awesome Power. There have been so many times I have said to myself "my father will never be able to get sober," and maybe he wont but your stories and God's love give me hope. I do not pray for anything other than acceptance and God's will, but I find it amazing to see how God has changed so many of our lives. Whenever I am sad, depressed and feeling pity for myself I will make an effort to remember where I came from and where I am now. So, thank you so much to everyone for sharing your experience, strength and hope.

Some things going on in my life right now. First off, I feel like my posts are just so in eloquent. I usually have so many thoughts swimming around in my head that I am lucky to get them all out never mind make them look and sound pretty and witty. That being said I am trying to be gentle with myself. I am me and me is just fine for today. Please bare with my sometimes disconnected thoughts. There are a few phrases and slogans that have been playing around in my head this week. One being 'My relationship with others' do not define me' and 'Just for today I will not dial pain.' I must say that to myself 100 times a day. I am not always successful either. But, I am more successful than I used to be. Before I pick up the phone or send a text I say to myself "can I deal with the outcome" What a huge success for me. I don't like to give myself credit. If I am not perfect at it 100% of the time, it means I have failed. I am more successful at certain things with certain people.

Here are some areas I would like to give myself credit for. K1 and I have not been spending so much time together. My eyes have been opened to the fact that although he is a good person he is not always healthy for me. K1 brings out many of my Codie traits. Traits I don't particularly like in myself. We talked for the first time in awhile on Monday evening. I have to say that there was a time where I thought we would be best friends and lovers forever- like I needed him in my life and thought what would i do without him. Lately, I haven't felt that way. I still care for him, but through the grace of God I have been able to detach and let go. Back to Monday evening... we talked. I acted completely opposite to how I am talking now. I did my typical manipulative, all about me, love me, selfish self-centered act. As I was doing it, I realized I was doing it and I asked myself why I was doing it because its not how I really feel. It pisses me off that I would act this way but at the same time I am just so happy and grateful that I was able to identify this behavior. Now I can stop myself from doing it again. We made plans for this evening. You know what, I woke up this morning and just had this overwhelming feeling that spending time with K1 tonight is just not healthy for me. The old me would have felt too guilty to cancel. I did it. I told him that I am just not feeling up to going out this evening. I would rather go home, go to the gym and make a healthy dinner. I cant believe I am saying this. The old me would have been fearful of a night alone, wanting someone to stroke my ego and make me feel better about myself. I will not let others define me. I am hanging up on pain today... on that front at least. I need to acknowledge these small triumphs. Creating healthy patterns even when sometimes it can be painful.

Another good thing. I have been struggling with praying and meditation lately. I read the other day that when I am focusing on a problem or painful thought that I should stop and focus on something good for one minute. I have been focusing on the ocean and the waves. Yesterday I purchased a 'Sounds of the Ocean' soundtrack. I started listening to it during my meditation time and it already helping me focus, breath and see the beauty of God in the sound. I know all of these steps are small, but they are more than what I was doing a few months ago. Very slowly one day at a time... with plenty of difficult days in between I am making healthier choices.

Now that I have talked about some of the good things in my life... I would like to bring up a very recurring theme. My relationship with K2. Endless struggle of good vs. evil. Yesterday marked four months to the day that K2 and I broke up- which might I add is almost the same amount of time we dated. Yet, I still find myself entangled in this mess. Do let me fool anyone, I see my part. I am aware... I am all too aware. Awareness with no acceptance. I am always stuck in what could be. What could be, is not and therefore is. He was away on vacation last week in Arizona. No talking to him was easy for me. He was gone... 2,000 miles away. Easy! For my mind that is reasonable. K2 is away, out of sight, out of touch.... doable. I wish he would just move away forever. I wish he told me he hated me and that he never wants to talk to me again. It would make it so much easier. Why do I have to be the strong one? Why do I have to be the one to walk away? It sucks. I hate it. Not being with him is awful, but this "thing" we have right now is awful too. He came home yesterday. He called me from the airport (of course). Why does he do that? I want him to do that. And I don't want him to do that. Can't he read minds? Do I actually have to speak the words out loud? Why is it always just enough? Don't get me wrong... he is a wonderful man. That's why I love him. He is a wonderful Adult Child with severe abandonment issues that has told me he loves me but doesn't know if he sees himself with anyone, never mind me. Oh, but if he does see himself with someone that someone would be me he just doesn't know. Hahaha... I am actually laughing at how ridiculous that and I sound. I was in a much needed midday meeting today and the speaker said, "You don't marry a fixer-upper." That really resonated with me. Is that what I am trying to do? Of course I am trying to control the situation. Of course I know HP is telling me I need to let go. Of course I know that it is God's will and not my own. Today, I am having trouble with that. I know it is not going to all come at once. This is a slow gentle program. I will read what I have written above and be grateful for all the areas where I see change and I will continue to pray for courage, strength and willingness to change in the areas that I am not currently able to.

Today I am grateful for:

Midday meetings
Each new day
Healthy choices
My mom and all of her support in everything I do


Cat said...

Kristin I keep coming back to your blog because its open and honest and what you werite you put youre heart into and I like that kind of writing. Nobody can tell you how to make the blog your blog - only you know what is best for you.



Syd said...

Kristin, your writing today echoes a lot of what I have felt over the years, especially the part about having co-dependent behavior around someone that I love. You captured the feelings so well. It makes me stop and think about a lot of things--healthy choices, acceptance, honesty, fears, and a host of others.