Thursday, November 20, 2008

Bad Day

My warm fuzzy feelings of yesterday have all but disappeared and have been replaced by annoyance and a touch of rage. Like.. mean, nasty, spewing venom rage. It comes and goes. When it comes... watch out!

I didn't sleep well again last night. This is day number 3 or 4 now of waking up in the middle of the night with wacky dreams and nightmares. Last night it was dreams of K2. In my dream we were supposed to meet up to talk at a park in the area. Not the area I live in but in my dream it was all so clear. I think I could still draw a map of it right now. We get to where we are meeting and there are other people there. A few guys I have dated casually in the past. They leave and then K2 disappears. I spend the next (what seems like hours) looking for him. Every time I think I have found him he is gone again. I walked around over and over... until finally I woke up. I have no idea how long this dream lasted, but long enough to interrupt my sleep for the night. It seemed like every time I closed my eyes I was searching again. Finally, I got up and stuck my IPOD head phones in and the sound of the waves lulled me back to sleep... in time to hear my obnoxious alarm going off at 6:27. Ugh!

Wasn't that entire scenario ironic. The dream sums up my relationship... most if not all of my relationships. It left me feeling sad, annoyed, betrayed, angry, and vulnerable. All feelings I truly dislike. All feeling I really am trying to work through.

I sent my mom (whom I am extremely close with) and email this morning. It was as follows:

"I am really struggling today. I am so tired. I was up again half the night with nightmares. I kept dreaming about Kevin. We were supposed to meet to talk in a park and I couldn't find him... I kept walking around and around looking for him. I am tired and grumpy and annoyed."

Her response back was:

"I don't know what to tell's truly a bad place to be and only you can change it. I lived in that state with your father for scared to walk away and too sad to stay...equaled STUCK. I will say prayers for you that you have the strength and wisdom to what's right for YOU! I love you, xo"

Which further annoyed me. I know she meant no harm. And I know she is only trying to help but it seriously irked me. First off, I don't feel like I am stuck. I feel like I am finally UNstuck! The problem now is dealing with my actions. I know only I can change it. That is what I am trying to do. If I wasn't willing to change I would still be participating in the dance. I hate being compared to her in that way... because seriously her relationship with my dad was fucked up. I don't want to hear I am just like her. Which, I am sure is exactly what I need to hear. But seriously mom, I don't want to hear about you and dad. I was the one who took care of the kids because you were too depressed to get out of bed. I was the one who made excuses to family and friends for the reason you weighed 95 pounds. I wasn't the one who took enough pain killers to kill a small horse just to get through the day. I haven't had 10 years of therapy 3 times a week. So give me a fucking break. A girl is allowed to have a bad day. I am allowed to be sad. I am allowed to be annoyed. I don't want to hear "I don't know what to tell you" Don't TELL me anything. Say, yeah it sucks.. I understand. I am totally projecting my anger onto her. That is why I did not email back or call. I will THINK now. Go to a meeting tonight, calm down and then be able to process everything more logically and rationally.

I know everyone is sick of hearing about it. I am sick of hearing about it. I am making baby steps in the right direction. I am "feeling" now. Its just a whole lotta feeling for one day. Anger has always been my defense mechanism. My go to tool. Now that its not really an option anymore I am at a total loss. God, I need some help today.

Today I am grateful for:

Home ACOA meeting
Other people in recovery who understand and who are willing to listen to my complain, vent, cry... just get it all out.
Tomorrow is Friday!



I can remember having that much anger and rage - when I finally "uncorked" all the feelings I had been stuffing all my life. My responses even scared me.

I was like a pendulum that swung from "I can handle anything and not show any emotion" TO "total complete emotion spilling out all over the place". The pendulum eventually settled back to somewhere in the middle between the two extremes.

The types of emotions that you are expressing may look different than mine or someone else's, but the emotional swings we can all identify with.

Just keep going to meetings, sharing what's going on with you, and trust God. It gets better. But it does take time.

I'm sending love and prayers your way,
Prayer Girl

Lou said...

Yeah, it sucks.

The meeting WILL help.

Cat said...

I am not sick of reading what you write, its a process of you figuring out what is going on with you - the you that nobody gets a chance to see - the real beauty of you and your feelings.

Dreams are so odd - I wonder if something under the surface was asking you to pay attention to all the emotions that you need to in order to move past K2. Sorta like grieving takes time.

I dunno just my 2 cents. But find a place to have a good long scream and a cry if need be - then after - make a nice warm cup of tea and enjoy a long bubble bath.



Syd said...

Dreams do that to me too. They can be so real and I'm always searching for something or someone. I have dreams about my wife being drunk again. Those are the tough dreams.

The one thing that I tell myself is that they aren't real. And that the day can be as bad as I feel within it or I can do something to make it a good day. It may take me several hours or days but eventually it all passes and I'm okay again.

I hope that you will process all of your feelings and sort out what is real and what isn't.

big Jenn said...

I like Cat's bubble bath idea. I totally get it. You've got to feel it so you can move on. Not feeling is usually not good. Hang in there. Keep writing. Thanks. jeNN

jiggins said...

I was going to say something similar to Cat.. don't worry that you are writing about the same things, it is the point of the blog - that is the thing you do not have to worry about - VENT if you need to vent, cry if you need to cry, be sad if you need to.

I mean, the dreams are obviously you telling yourself to listen. I think you are listening, but it's getting harder to hear what is being said - because you are being drenched with emotion - rightfully so - So take your time. It is a process.. you will process it and it will become clear. There is no need to rush into a decision that will affect the rest of your life!

It sucks. We learn, we move on, we share so others can learn from it. Thanks for being so honest! See ya on the next post!