Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Light At the End of the Tunnel

It's Wednesday already. Where has the time gone? When I was a child time used to stand still. I would complain and my mom would always tell me to wait until I got older... you will be begging for time to stand still. How true. I suppose it is in the same vain as not wanting to go to bed at night and the excitement over the mail. Today, my mail consists of bills and if I could got to bed at 7PM every night I would be happy.

I had a breakthrough this weekend. Well actually I complete act of God. K2 and I are finished. There was no drama, no excitement... just a simple decision (100% through trust in my HP). I can not see him or talk to him. It needs to be over. I am letting go and letting God. I have not shared this insight with him. God has given me a gift. It seems that our time together and our interaction with one another has slowly dwindled over the last two weeks. Originally I had wanted to have a conversation with him. Asking him to please give us another chance, but as the days have gone by I have come to a quiet acceptance within myself. I truly believe it is God taking care of me. Even saying these words out loud before were impossible. I have known for quite some time now that this was what I need to do. I have not been ready. It has been too painful. It came to a head this weekend. K2 was on vacation in Arizona for a week and when he came home we were supposed to get together. I don't want to sit here and point fingers and take his inventory, all I will say is that since his has been home it has become clear to me that I am not on his short list of priorities- and well he isn't so much on mine anymore either. We spoke last on Saturday evening. We were supposed to get together... he decided to head off for a night of drinking with his buddies and I went to a meeting. Best thing I ever did. In the meeting it all became so clear to me. I am trying to explain this but its really not coming out right. I have been so torn up about this for so long and all of a sudden the answer came to me so naturally. I cant describe it, although I don't need to because I know you all can relate. Its like God was just just there. For the first time I get it... this God thing works. I mean I know He has a plan for me. I never really believed that before.

We have not talked since that night. We did not leave things badly. We left the conversation with we would try to get together sometime this week. Its been four days now and I have not heard from him and I have not called him. This too is God working. He knows I don't have the strength to take his calls right now... its almost like K2 knows it too. We will talk at some point and hopefully even become friends. Right now I cant do that. I need time to heal and move on.

I am left with my feelings now. All the residual "stuff" that is left over from the end of this relationship. I have felt lonely, fearful, sad, angry, abandoned, hurt, resentful, disappointed in the last few days. I have also felt calm, peaceful, serene, hopeful, content and happy. I know that it is time to feel these things... and deal with them. I know it will pass and that is completely normal to mourn a death whether it is in the form of a person or a relationship. It is my job to think of one day at a time... keep myself healthy and to mind my own business. I can not let the doubt and hurt creep in. K2 doesn't matter- what matters is me and the actions I take to get better.

This is all really hard... but I finally see a light at the end of the tunnel. It is beautiful.
Today I am grateful for:
A warm home, jacket and clothes and all the sustenance I need during these cold days.
My HP, who I choose to call God.
Trust, faith, strength and courage.
Breaking old patterns and wanting to do things differently.
Sitting with my feelings, the silence and at times the pain.


big Jenn said...

Thank you. The end of a relationship is very hard, but it sounds like you are doing what you need to do, feel! jeNN

jiggins said...

When you let go..and let God - it can be very easy to second-guess yourSELF. When you allow the higher power to come through you, and you listen to it.. it can feel as though you are being forced. When we are in situations like this - and we have had a hard time in the past with control issues - as I have and maybe you have .. we feel that we are not making the decision on our own. When in fact, the complete antitheses is true - we are in teh hands of The Creator and all that is us.. can be conveyed through us. This is not meant to be religious, only a relation to your spirit and a communication that you are on a path that others have experienced. Thanks for sharing it. It helps others more than you know! :)See you on the next post!

Cat said...

You know sometimes if I wait long enough the answer does come to me like that - and its so amazing when it happens becaues somehow the timing is always perfect.


Lou said...

Sounds like a break through. Hope the silence & pain are not so long lasting.

Your blog title says it all. Take care.

Gabriella Moonlight said...

In the BB there's a part where it says "We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us." I can't find the page right now, but this is something that has happened in my life too, where I had to do things, make what I felt were large decisions and each time when I just surrendered, it always worked out better than I could have ever imagined. Thank you for this great post!!!