Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Tattle Tale

I haven't been to a meeting in over a week. I went to church Sunday and thought that would do the trick. It did not. I haven't been avoiding a meeting... life has just sort of gotten in the way of things this past week. The holiday, busy at work. And now it's Wednesday. Tomorrow is my home ACOA. I will not miss that. It's really amazing how fast I slip when I am not constantly surrounding myself with recovery. I need to find a sponsor. I have been dragging my feet on this. Just showing up is no longer enough.

Now I really need to tell on myself. I have been avoiding this now and its painful to write. As you all well know I continue to struggle with my relationship with K2. It is this constant source of confusion for me. Almost two weeks ago I ended communication between us. You can read "Moving Forward". Well two nights ago, in a moment of weakness I sent him a text message telling that I am not as strong as he thinks because I miss him and all of this isn't going away. I shouldn't have done it. I should have called someone (here's where sponsor would have come in handy). I should have slept on it. I didn't. He didn't text me back... Of course I was hurt I didn't hear from him and sad that he didn't immediately validate my feelings. A small part of me appreciated the fact that he was being the strong one. Well... he called last night. I was out to dinner and missed the call. As soon as I heard the missed call something inside me knew it was him. He left a message. He asked me to call him back. He said he would be busy for the next few hours and if I missed him he would call me tomorrow.

I opened a can of worms. I want to take his call. I have to go through all of this all over again now. I failed. I just don't get it. I know the drill... I know I have to let go. I know I need to accept things for the way they are... blah blah blah. I don't think anyone can say anything I don't know or haven't heard. Why do I fight it so much? I made this big declaration of moving on and moving forward and not even two weeks later I find myself in a very familiar place. I like here. I must. If I didn't I wouldn't keep coming back. Sometimes I feel like this is all so trivial. Like I have no right to be so involved in this because so many people have bigger problems than me. But I love him. I am in love with him and I just have so much pain associated with our relationship because I thought we would get married and having a loving committed relationship together. I have been in love twice in my life. My first long term boyfriend lasted 4 years. 3 years and about 360 days too long. When he broke up with me I was devastated, but I knew for sure that it was the right thing. He broke up with me because I didn't have the strength to do it myself. I don't feel that way with K2. It feels so wrong. Like its not supposed to happen this way. Ha ha... listen to me. Who am I to say what should happen. God is in control... not me. I need to get that through my thick head.

It doesn't change how I feel. I want to tell him I love you. I am in love with you. I don't want to abandon you. I am in it for the long haul. I don't want to fix you (well sometimes I do, but I'm getting better). I want to love you and be your friend. I want the same from you. I don't want you to make things better. I want you to love me. I want you to be my friend. I want you to support me in healthy ways. I want you to take care of yourself. I want to take care of myself. And I want to lovingly and appropriately take care of each other. I want you to know my true feelings about us... I don't want to be strong. I don't want to be afraid to tell you these things because of fear of rejection. I want to say that loving oneself and loving someone else is a lifelong process. You don't need to be alone until you get there. I want to cry. I miss you. I miss telling you things. I miss not having to say anything. I miss the unspoken understanding. I want you to be able to say today I need my space. And I want to trust you and give you that space. I want to accept you for who you are. I want to know that it is okay to have appropriate expectations of love, honesty and respect. That doesn't mean each of always needing to be right. It doesn't mean a ring on my finger. It doesn't mean needing you to always hold my hand. I support you. I respect your boundaries. I respect that people don't change but if there is a real desire they can compromise. I want happiness. I want happiness for you. I want for us to be able to be happy together.

Today I am grateful for:

Getting through the day


big Jenn said...

I'll tell you about me and then you can tell me to shut up. I DID NOT know a damn thing about what I wanted or needed in my life until I was sober for a long time. It took a ton of work. I made relationships my higher power and it is a miricle I didn't use. Just sayin' jeNN

Progress, Not Perfection said...

Oh, I hear ya Jenn. Like I said... nothing my brain doesnt already know. Isn't there a happy medium though. Being able to have a loving relationship with yourself and someone else?

Cat said...

I really think all relationships ebb and flow - seriously. If I look at my relationships with my husband, my old boy friends prior to hubs and or my parents and siblings each and every one of them have this ebb and flow thing to them.

I say don't overthink the conversation. If it helps to talk to him then talk to him. but I do think you would benefit from having someone else to reach out to instead.

Asking someone to sponser you is hard - trust me I know - I have yet to get myself to do it, I figure in time, when i am really ready.

So if your heart says you need closure with this guy - then figure out what it will take and work on it. I wish you did not have to go through the pain I know it sucks so badly wanting to call them or talk - wanting them but not really them - the idea of them, only better.

I have so been there. One suggestion: dont cure the pain with ice cream - it does not work!

Much love


big Jenn said...

Not until you're taking care of you!jeNN

Anonymous said...

Honestly? IMO, it's not been possible for me to have a HEALTHY relationship without the support of my group and a lot of prayers along the way. I'm a long way from being where I think that I want to be, but I'm learning to accept the fact that God really is in control.

You're doing the best that you can. Don't beat yourself up on this...please? LOL I love ya!

steveroni said...

At the risk of getting into deep-sh*t trouble here, I'll let you know first...I BEEN THERE, where you are!

You said, "I opened a can of worms." Kristen, (I know your name now, ISN'T I smart?), I have asked myself and my sponsor the question, "WHY do some alcoholics--when everything is starting to go good--WHY do we continue to seek that chaos, from which we have been relieved?

I'm just NEVER satisfied, always want MORE. More of whatever, more of everything, especially that which is not good for me.

And my biggest problem in this regard is Pride! Pride or Ego, from which all other wrongs emanate,
is my greatest defect, the one I still have left, the one I hate to be completely willing to have God remove.

I do not know how far along you are in the steps, or if you are even alcoholic, Kristen, but in any case I hope you'll understand what I'm so
trying to feebly convey here.

That is, what we are talking about is the result of a debilitating disease. In my case it is alcoholism, which no longer has anything to do with drinking (since I do not drink anymore!) but has to do with LIVING. And not just living, but living HAPPILY, (and occasionally even stress-free!!).

And I try to f*** it up every time, or so it seems. This time (34 years sober) it seems to be working, but I continue to work AT it, daily, listening to God speak to me--which He does mainly through people at Alcoholics Anonymous meetings.

Jes' sayin'--
steveroni aka preach-a-roni????

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

Tough stuff. You know, just getting through the day when you're struggling really is a lot to be grateful for.

Pam said...

For me: Relationship breakups were about the "death of the dream" not the "real stuff".
It was always the "real stuff" that made it clear we should not be together.
It was the "dream" that made me figure out ways to make the unworkable work.
Mainly-I'm just sorry you are in pain sugar.

~Tyra~ said...

Take care of yourself.