I am the oldest of three. My father is still actively drinking and has been since I can remember. My mom was the perfect co-dependant. My mom and father were married very young. My mom was 15 and my dad was 17. They were married for 23 years. He drank for 21 of those years. Little L and I are 9 years apart. my mom was sexually molested as a child. My father is the child of an alcoholic. It is the perfect breeding ground for dysfunction. in my adult (and not so adult life) dated my own alcoholics or adult children. It truly is a vicious cycle.
Back to anger and resentment. Anger was usually my only form of communication. It played in nicely as I hit teenage-dom and associated myself as a weird-artsy-feminist-liberal-granola-bitch type. I fit nicely into the role of outcast. It allowed me to hurt without really being noticed. I have always held so much anger towards men, my father in particular. I suppose much of it has spilled out into other areas of my life. I saw my mom constantly making excuses for my father all of the time and ended up just like her. Funny how that works.
I have an overwhelming need to take care of people. If I take care of you, then maybe you will love me. But when I take care of you... I also resent you. Resent having to care take. Resent people not being able to take care of themselves. I hate asking for help. I always have. I would rather die trying than actually admit I can't do something on my own. And I resent people who can't do anything. I resent people who can actually ask for help. My mind tells me that I deserve to do everything the hard way. Punishment of sorts. I think I am always right. My way is always the best way, right? When someone doesn't do things the way that I want then it makes me angry. Anger for me is my most comfortable form of expression. Maybe its because no matter how angry I got my father never cared. He never raised his voice. He never argued. He would just sit there. He never cared. My mom used to yell a lot. Never did any good. Maybe that's why I am so comfortable with anger. I can count the times on one hand I ever saw anyone in my family cry. It just didn't happen. And when it did, it was behind closed doors. People crying still makes me uncomfortable to this day. After everything that K2 and I have been through over the last 8 months. I never once cried in front of him. I couldn't. I cried after he was gone. It has always been a sign of weakness.
My mom and I were on the phone today. We were talking about Little L. I forget how young she is sometimes. I know I was a wretch at her age. She is 19. In so many ways she is so much older than that. I have to remember what it was like to be 19. I was upset with some of her behaviors over the holiday weekend and I was discussing them with my mom. She told me that I need to be mindful of my anger and resentment. I can't expect everyone to be like me. I cant everyone to act the way I think is appropriate. I can't be resentful towards the fact that I am a care taker and Little L isn't. We are many years apart and we had very different childhoods. I shouldn't do things for others if I cant have a good attitude about it.
It upsets me that I have this anger and resentment inside of me. It upsets me that I act inappropriate sometimes. But. There is a silver lining to all of this. I didn't freak out on my mom today. I listened to her. I agreed with much of what she had to say. I acknowledged the behavior and I was able to see my part in it. I might not be able to change it all at once but at least I am not denying it. A few months ago I would have freaked out on my mom and cursed her up and down. Today I can see that this is something I need to work on... something I need to be mindful of. This is all really hard. Really really hard.
Today I am grateful for:
Being able to see someone else's side
Healing old wounds
20 minutes left in the day
Dinner with my boss last night and his reassurance about my job
Accepting my mistakes and moving on