Friday, December 19, 2008

Bump In The Road

I had an Al-Anon slip this morning. Right now I am feeling angry, frustrated and a little guilty. I figured I should right about it to get it out. As most of you know I leave tomorrow for my vacation. I am looking forward to the trip very much. I will be going with Little L, who is 19. She has been a source of stress for me as of late and although she is not an alcoholic I consider her one of my currentl qualifiers due to her ACOA behaviors. Honestly, she reminds me exactly of my father (the alcoholic in my household growing up) and sometimes it is very difficult for me to deal with her. She is the only one in my immediate family that does not have a program which means it requires me to work extra hard at my own program when we are together. - Also, hence the tiny bit of stress about 2 weeks in Germany with her.

She is a sophomore in college living on campus. She recently starting dating a new boyfriend and has found a new group of friends. I am happy for her but with this new life she has basically forgotten about her old life.. including family, responsibility and respect, in my opinion of course. I am doing my best to remember that she is only 19 and when I was that age I did MANY things that I wouldn't dream of doing now. It is difficult because she has always acted much older than her age. She loves to be treated like an adult but does not like the responsibilities and consequences that come with it. More recently she has stopped returning my calls, messages and texts. I have been struggling with this. I have huge issues surrounding the situation and much of it derives back to her/our childhood and my mom's lack of parenting for a time. The story is so long and complicated but basically my sister and I are 9 years apart and in a lot of ways we were raised in two totally different families. I lived with active alcoholism and my sister lived with my dad basically gone from her life. When my mom and dad finally divorced, my mom spent the next 6 years pretending like she had no kids. Unfortunately Little L was still very young and was raised by myself and no one. She spent her entire senior year living alone in our house because my mom would spend weekends at her boyfriends house 100 miles north.

That being said, that doesn't exactly jive well with my control freak co-dependant self! It drives me crazy and I have a very hard time letting go. Especially since she is the youngest and my role has always been a second mother to her. Problem is I am not her mother. And I have no right to tell her what she should and shouldn't do. I struggle A LOT! with this. So currently I have been trying to contact her about our trip to Germany and she has not returned my calls. I wanted to let her know to put money in my sisters German account so we wouldn't have to pay extra fees. (Especially since she, in my opinion used her money unwisely through out the year and now has basically nothing saved for the trip). I have still yet to get her to return my call. And ya hooo tonight we are all having our Christmas dinner. Fun times.

I was talking to my mom about it this morning. Which I need to stop doing because she is not my sponsor and she is obviously too close to the whole situation. And of course I got angry and resentful- my favorite defense tool. And of course my mom took offense which in turn made me more angry. And it turned into this whole big saga. And I was like mom this is not about you. Its about me... of course. Ha! So now I feel badly and I should have just blogged here and avoided the whole big mess. I know this post is full of expectations and judgements... I am not writing to be Al-Anon-ed to death. I am becoming aware of all the moving parts and most importantly my part in the situation. I just need some love, and prayers, support and maybe a few suggestions on how to let this garbage go so that I can enjoy my vacation because really I love my family very much and I am so grateful for all the amazing things in my life.

8 comments:

~Tyra~ said...

Much love and prayers coming your way.

Cat said...

Kristen,

The only thing that has ever helped me in situations like this is : writing and working out. Focussing all of that frustration and energy on myself to accomplish something that is good for me - I like to think of it as 'minding myself'.

At first it feels a bit selfish but really all we should be minding is ourselves right?

I know its so much easier said than done and I am so proud of you for recognizing all the things that play into your reactions to your life. Its a step in self awareness that I think is the first step on the road to change.

(hugs!)

You have a trip to go on - I hope you are able to make it a fun trip for yourself!

Cat

Syd said...

What helps me is to accept that others have their quirks. I can detach with love from them. Their stuff isn't my stuff. So, I would go on the trip, enjoy it, and spend some time by yourself if you need to. No way is your sister going to change. Maybe add her name to your God box before you leave. That helps me symbolically to let go.

Fixinto said...

So...

First thing I would like to say.. is I know I am new to your blog, but I can relate. So here goes me.

You absolutely have the right to say something to little L about how she reacts to her life situations. The key is to be an advisor and not a dictator of her actions. If she has been raised with the way you think is right, and she is used to that plan.. then right now she is using her right as a young adult to rebel a bit. She will return to what it is that is correct. "Sometimes you have to burn before you're mellow..."

Gotta take it as it comes, you know the routine, you were there once. You are strong. I have read some of your posts over the months.. This is just another situation you have dealt with on some level, involving different people. I know there are those that you rely on to get your bearings straight - but take some moments to listen to you. You have the answers here and, as anyone would - you may be projecting emotions a bit. So things feel a bit clouded.

Take the time to relate to little L and breathe through your words, be calm and say what needs to be said - pertaining to your travel plans and life. Try not to drag past issues such as money and things and who she is dating into it - it will all come out of her in the wash if you just take care of yourself first. Looking forward to great posts about your awesome vacation to Germany!

PRAYER GIRL said...

I love passing on love, prayers, and support to another person seeking some "peace of mind" and "serenity" in what is often a chaotic life.

As far as suggestions on how to let the garbage go so you can just enjoy your vacation, maybe if you read the blog I'll be posting for Saturday, it might help. It's titled "Life is short"!

Just for you, I'll add one -
Life is short, enjoy your vacation!

big Jenn said...

Give yourself a small pat on the back for having some awareness around all the issues. Remember that your sister has a God and you're not.
It's the hardest to work on our stuff with family. Sounds like you are willing to start, that's a good thing!jeNN

Annette said...

Putting you, your sister, and your journey into God's big gentle hands to care for and keep safe. Blessings to you! You will figure this out. ((hug))

Lou said...

I'm sorry I missed you! Perhaps some of this stress is behind you as you enjoy wunderbar Deutschland.