I had a breakthrough this past weekend. It all started on Thursday evening at my home meeting. I was sharing on awareness and how I feel stuck in seeing the problem but not being able to take action. After I shared I heard someone speak of "The Three A's" in Alanon. Awareness, Acceptance, Action. I soon realized the reason no action was able to occur was because I haven't been doing a whole lot of accepting. Something I find myself only intermittently good at.
On my subway ride home my HP thought a lesson in acceptance would be humbling and important for me. I left my meeting a touch early to meet a friend and was feeling a little anxious over getting there on time. We were about to pull into the station when the train stopped completely. I waited just outside the station for close to 30 minutes. Boy, was I upset at first. I couldn't quite understand why on the one evening I had to be somewhere the train was not working properly. I sat back, said the Serenity Prayer a few times and accepted the fact that there was nothing I could do and that my friend would be okay without me for a few minutes.
What a huge lesson and blessing for me. I truly believe that it gave me the acceptance and power I needed to make a big decision for myself over this past weekend. I have been struggling with a relationship in my life for the past months... but very specifically the past few weeks. I know that it is not healthy for me, but was having difficulty letting go and accepting that it cant stay the way it has been. I had the courage to set boundaries this weekend and explain to the person that things need to change and I refuse to go on with how things have been.
Which brings me to recycling not relapsing. I have been doing a lot of recovery reading lately and I often feel like I am taking one step forward and two steps back. I found a different perspective yesterday. taking one step back is perfectly normal and necessary to help me see where I don't want to go again. Relapse is defined as a slip, or to fall back into a former condition... but to recycle means to recover or to pass through again for a checking or treating. Hearing those words gave me faith that my struggles are not in vain and they are just one important part of my recovery. Sometimes it takes more than one try before I get things right. I have been fighting the fear of letting go, of giving in and seeing that change isn't always bad. Parts of me want to run back to how they used to be... but how they used to be isn't always good, its just what I know. I am realizing that I need to feel the fear, loneliness, anxiety and own it before I can truly move forward.
Today I am grateful for:
Alanon and ACOA
Awareness, Acceptance, Action
Trusting myself and my HP in the decisions I make
Recycling... it does a body good.