Friday, October 24, 2008

All Things In Good Time

I feel sad and lonely today. Can't seem to shake it. I don't have any particular reason to feel this way... nothing specifically has happened in the last 24 hours to trigger these feelings. I think it started last night after I got home from my meeting. I usually feel great after my Thursday night home ACOA meeting. I am thinking that maybe it was triggered by the music I was listening to. I used to love 'Coldplay'- still do really. It was my longer than life ex and I's favorite band. After we broke up and he moved out I lost all the electronics in what I term "the divorce." Although we were not legally married, we lived together for four years and everything including our bank accounts (dumb move) were joint. For a long time afterward I couldn't even hear their music without bursting into tears. For awhile now I have been just fine hearing Coldplay's music... so yesterday afternoon one of my friends uploaded all the Coldplay albums to my Itunes and last night on my way home from the meeting I was listening to them. I think it put me into a funk. It still brings me right back there. It frustrates me because I really like the band, and I don't want longer than life ex to still effect my life. Maybe I just need to be gentle with myself. All things in good time.

It's funny too because when it brings me back there most of me is incredibly grateful that the relationship is over and that I have come so far. I also find it interesting that as time passes my mind hazes over all the bad stuff and seems to jump towards the good. Maybe that is called healing. I know longer miss him in the way of wanting to be together. He could come to me right now and say... I'm sober, I'm sorry, I'm a millionaire and I still wouldn't go back. One of my biggest problems is not giving myself a break. I think that when I try something I need to be perfect at it, and if I'm not than its just not worth it at all. This program is teaching me to be gentle with myself. Everyone makes mistakes... Progress, Not Perfection.
Today I am grateful for:

Friday!!!!
Sleeping late tomorrow morning
Spending time with friends tonight
my pretty new nail polish color
2 hours left of work
Choices

5 comments:

Cat said...

That whole having to be perfect thing I finally understood was me comparing myself to others - and it is just bad all the way around when we do that - otherwise whose standard are you setting being perfect to?

Try not to be so hard on yourself - its a process and its one day at a time and some days are good and some are not so good. The thing is you are feeling it all unmedicated and it is life at its best for the moment.

I wish you wonderful Zzz's tomnight and late into tomorrow morning!

Cat

PRAYER GIRL said...

I'm sober, have admitted complete defeat where alcohol is concerned, and my God and I have conquered the alcohol problem. BUT, the ghost of alcohol can still come back to haunt the house - that is why I must always be spiritually fit - maintaining my spiritual condition.

I believe the same can be true about past relationships like you describe here. Even though they have been dealt with - the ghost can come to haunt the house. I have to call on God to help.

Patty said...

Yes, be gentle with yourself. We are all imperfect human beings.

Syd said...

It's good for me to be easy on myself. I still long for perfection but won't ever achieve it. So I lighten up and don't take myself so seriously. I can laugh at my mistakes most days.

The guy who writes here said...

Hey-

I've been feeling pretty shitty too. And confused about it. It comes and go though I guess. In the long run, maybe it won't affect you as much now that you have ACA to help along the way. That's the way I look at it.

Anyway, hope you got some sleep on Friday.

Peace