Friday, October 10, 2008

Fairy Tale Endings

I love my Thursday night ACOA meeting. I always feel connected to the group and I continue to appreciate the diversity it brings. I am also thankful for the fact that the group has many men and women similar age as me. I am constantly hopeful and grateful to hear about members who have been married for years and have found, through Alanon, a sense of happiness with themselves and their significant others...

But, it is also nice to hear other twenty-somethings like myself struggling to balance life, dating, and pondering the question "Is there someone out there for me?" One of my deepest fears is being alone. My qualifier, who is my father constantly left us growing up. He traveled for work often, and had a tendency to disappear for days and for what felt like weeks at a time. I had a wonderful mother who tried her best to make up for the disappearance of my father, but unfortunately the damage had already been done. I am so scared that I am going to die old and alone. I am also scared that the only way I will be able to be with someone is if I give myself one hundred and ten percent. I do not want to continue to lose myself in someone else. I know my HP has a plan for me and it is the best plan possible, but sometimes I lack faith. I want to find the man of my dreams (here in lies the problem) He is just that... my dream. Which means lacking reality- get married, have children, live in the perfect house... happily after. Again with the fantasy.

Growing up I didn't always understand or realize the effect my dad's absence had on me. My mom was always covering up and compensating for where my father lacked. As I get older and healthier I am beginning to see that my mom's behaviors created similar behaviors in me. I pray on a daily basis that I do not hold these behaviors against either of them. I know they did the best they could with what they had. I am trying to understand these behaviors in order to correct them and do things differently now.

My mom created a huge sense of codependency in me. In ways I am only beginning to understand. It is now time for me to accept my part in this situation... and begin to learn how to change the patterns that were so prevalent in my family of origin. I have no clever words, phrases, or funny antic dotes. I have me, turning myself over to my HP and The 12 Step Program.

So, maybe that fairy tale happy ending is possible... just not in its original form.

My goal for today is trust my HP and have faith that He has a plan for me- A much better plan than I could ever think of.

Today I am grateful for:

Another beautiful day
The Boston Red Sox
Apple picking tomorrow
My job
My HP perfect plan for me

2 comments:

Cat said...

I am so glad you enabled comments on your post's!

We are all afraid of the same things - ebing alone in life is HUGE. Once you begin to look at what you fear you are able to let go a bit and live a little easier - its all about today.

Chandra said...

Interesting to know.