Friday, January 30, 2009

The Memory Ball

I wish I were like Dumbledore in Harry Potter. I always have so much swimming around in my head and I can never get it onto paper, or computer fast enough. I need a magic wand that takes all my thoughts and puts them into neat little jars. I feel that I am coming back around slowly but surely. The great thing about this program is that right where I am is where I am supposed to be. I realized this morning that I have not been living the first step recently. I have fallen back into thinking that I have control. SO not the case.

Last night's home ACOA was amazing. Higher Power was working all over the place. The shares were inspiring, sad, heart felt, gut wrenching and exactly what I needed to hear. There are a few of us all around the same age and it is comforting to hear similar stories in regard to living life in the big city... jobs, friendships and specifically dating. Each story could be told by any of us and that is what keeps me coming back. Knowing that there is a place where so many people get exactly one I am saying. There is nothing better than a friendly smile or a knowing head nod when I am sharing.

I have been dating again recently and this has lead me to see some scary truths about myself. I had no idea what an issue I have with commitment until very recently. I probably never noticed it because I was always "committing" to unavailable men. Makes it a lot easier to commit to someone when you know they won't be able to or choose not to commit back. What a slap in the face. I realize that I am the mirror of so many of my exes. I would like to share with myself and everyone a conversation I had this morning with a good friend. It really is helping wrap my brain around some of the historical stuff that is coming up for me. (I am Dimes19 by the way)

Dimes19 (11:36:55 AM): i am just really starting to see how my thinking effects my life and how so much of it comes back to my history

iChrisEsp (11:37:19 AM): ahh

Dimes19 (11:37:21 AM): i have recently been examining things because of dating. I never realized what a commitment-phobe I am

Dimes19 (11:37:47 AM): I am just like all the men I date. That's why I date them

Dimes19 (11:38:12 AM): unavailable is what i do. that way I never have to be available

Dimes19 (11:38:31 AM): its pretty heavy stuff

iChrisEsp (11:38:46 AM): wow

Dimes19 (11:43:58 AM): here's how it works. I date someone who is basically unavailable.. whether he says so or not. That way I already know what the outcome will be. Disappointment. But I'm never truly disappointed because i already know how its going to end. And it always ends. I never have to worry about committing myself because I am always chasing that person, which is good because if they actually stayed put and wanted a commitment i would run the other way

Dimes19 (11:44:33 AM): and the reason i have no problem meeting their friends, family etc.. is because its a way to manipulate the situation and i know that it makes it harder for them to break up with me.

iChrisEsp (11:44:39 AM): i started thinking about all the women I dated and especially the ones i liked

iChrisEsp (11:44:50 AM): and i don't think i deserved any of them

Dimes19 (11:45:00 AM): oh i do that too

Dimes19 (11:45:20 AM): that's the other thing. anytime i do meet someone nice or good i come up with a million reasons why i am not good enough

Dimes19 (11:45:41 AM): and then that helps to drive them away

Dimes19 (11:46:30 AM): best part about all of it is, i think i want the commitment and i get angry and jealous that others have it... yet when its in front of me i am scared to death and want nothing more than to run in the other direction.

iChrisEsp (11:47:13 AM): ahh

Dimes19 (11:48:51 AM): i am a master manipulator. But so are the men i date. So its a power struggle who can do it better and faster. than when we cant manipulate each other anymore... it ends

Honestly this is all I can even get through right now. It brings up so many painful memories and feelings that I can only deal with it in small doses. It feels good to be back and I plan to catch up with everyone next week. Have a wonderful weekend. Enjoy the snow if you have it!


Syd said...

I find this fascinating. I want to hear more about this. I believe I have a good friend who is a commitment phobe. He will like someone a lot but then get bored and want to have a relationship with someone else. Then he regrets losing the one that he liked. I don't get this type of behavior. But maybe you can help explain it.

Anonymous said...

Wow, this was a definitely a Higher Power working tonight for me. I have not been working a program for about 3yrs now and recently have been heading down a very bad path which is bringing back to where I need to be in recovery. Tonight I did a Google search on Al-Anon Slogans and somehow made it here to your blog just from following links from other pages. As I was reading your blog it was as if I was having the same conversation with a friend. Your words could easily have been my own only my awareness wasn't quite there yet for me. I too do the unavailable commitment game to myself for the same reasons that you talked about only I wasn't completely aware of it until reading your blog. Thank you for sharing so that it could reach me all the way in Ohio.

Anonymous said...

This is going to be incredibly strange.

Brain Memory

Cat said...

Its all about the process and however you work it for you - I want it to work well.


Cat said...

Oh and your letter is S.


have fun with it!

Sophie in the Moonlight said...

This is the shit I LOVE about recovery when recovery is really working: you got inside your own head with a flashlight and a crowbar and dug up the floorboards to see what was underneath. The result? You will never look at any of your relationships the same way again. Never. You can't. You just changed your world view. You didn't solve all of your issues, but you started asking some pretty awesome questions of yourself. The right questions are life-changing, at least IHMO.

Tres Cool!!!!!

Happy weekend right back at ya'

Anonymous said...

It's kind of funny to look at my blog and then look at your blog. They look very similar, but yours leans to the left, while mine leans to the right.